Michael Jackson, Just the Weird Bits

Daily Dose

Oh, Michael Jackson...we hardly knew you. That is, if by "hardly knew you," we meant "knew way too much about you including the crap about the monkeys and the blotches on your 'Tiny Tito.'" Although there's really nothing left to say, let's say a little more and milk this morbid cow for all it's worth!

We'll leave the hagiogrophies to Ann Curry and Billy Bush, however. They are masters of the form and can barely contain their faux grief boners, what with McMahon AND Fawcett AND Jackson all in the same week. No one does funeral humping better than those guys, so why even try? By the way, sucks to be anyone who is not Michael Jackson that planned on dying this week. Sorry, protesters in Iran! Even though you're waging a street battle for the future of the Middle East and are courageous martyrs for freedom, you didn't record "Thriller." Bad timing, guys.

Anyway, instead of regurgitating the same tribute reels and canned eulogies, here's a compilation of Michael at his most Howard Hughes. We will miss your invaluable contributions to the lexicon of crazy, Gloved One.

Remember "Captain EO"? That 3-D movie directed by Francis Ford Coppola that was only shown at Disney theme parks? No? Suppressed the memory to the point where mental fragments only emerge when you're either in a sensory deprivation tank or tripping balls on cough syrup? Still have a latent fear of puppets and Angelica Huston dressed up as an H.R. Giger dominatrix but can't figure out why? Watch this and it'll all come flooding back to you in a primal scream.

Here's a clip from the "Moonwalker" video game. I actually used to play the arcade version of this at the ShopKo in Lincoln, NE. For some reason, I really enjoyed killing mobsters with glitter kicks and defeating my enemies with choreography. No, I wasn't good at sports. And, yes, hearing children scream "Michael!" has a very sinister undertone to it these days.

This is the trailer for "The Wiz," in which Jackson played the Scarecrow. I can't quite put my finger on it, but this film really creeps me out. Maybe it's because Michael grew up to be an evil Bizarro version of Diana Ross.

Michael Jackson, trailblazer that he was, should also be credited with pioneering the upstanding Hollywood tradition of sneaking off to Japan and making commercials you hope no one finds out about back in the States. Michael and his original nose are seen here shilling for Suzuki. It's more than a pitch for scooters, though. It's a call to universal harmony. Love is his message. So back the eff up with your charges of selling out, you hipster purist emo grinchy grinches!

Lastly, here's a strangely poignant commercial I assume he did for Coke. He sings a duet with his younger self. It's a heartbreaking allegory for lost childhood and the isolation that comes with unfathomable fame and fortune. Very unexpectedly, this commercial humanizes a man who had become an inscrutable icon. Michael Jackson's life was in many ways our generation's "Citizen Kane." Well, you know..."Citizen Kane" with pedophilia charges and stuff.

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