Townie Guide to... surviving Sebelius withdrawal

Monday, March 2, 2009


Katie Kramer

Katie Kramer, veterinary assistant, office whipping girl, graphic design student, cat wrangler

Now that Kathleen Sebelius is leaving, who will fill the vacuum as the most prominent Democrat in Kansas? Maybe Dennis Moore in a silver wig and red dress? He looks smashing in pearls, by the by…

“Well, I see Dennis as more of an Autumn, I'm not sure red is his color. Pearls, definitely, but maybe a gown in the burgundy or burnt orange family. Seriously, though, I do see D-Money taking the helm as most prominent Dem in Kansas. Now that Kath is out of his way, watch out!”

What advice do you have for hyperventilating Kansas Democrats who think the party will now collapse faster than Chris Brown's career?

“Well, I'm not sure I can give them anything but a paper sack and a hug. Maybe I'll share my inhaler with them when my own anxiety-triggered asthma attack is under control.”

What do you think will derail the Sebelius nomination first—tax problems or steroid scandal?

“She's clearly on the juice. I mean, c'mon—she's ripped. It's just not natural. It’ll catch up with her eventually. She'll be the next A-Rod.”

Do you think Sebelius will get health care reform passed? Does she have the ovarian fortitude to tackle the special interests?

“If she's got anything, it’s a huge pair. She has everything in her favor to get the job done. I think her time as Insurance Commissioner and two terms as governor will help her serve Obama well. He’ll need a lot of assistance to get his plan into gear.”

With the addition of Sebelius to the Obama Administration, exactly how foxy is this White House?

“Pretty darn foxy! ‘Silver Fox’ Sebelius is icing on top of the already good-looking administration cake. I can just see her now, taking her morning jog amongst the cherry blossoms—oh, Kath…”

Who would you rather have as governor—Phill Kline or Rod Blagojevich?

“Hands down, no question, 100% Blagojevich. I mean, when you break it down, he was really just trying to make a buck in these tough economic times. It's called ingenuity. Oh, and just for the record, I hate that guy. It's just that I cannot fathom a situation where I would vote for Phil Kline. Also, if it were a based on hair style—which is pretty much how I decide my vote—Blagojevich is the clear front runner.”