Great Depression II: Depress Harder

Actual News Nugs*

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The East Coast was pummeled by severe weather this week, with New York City getting buried in more than a foot of stock brokers.

In yet more grim financial news this week, the Dow Jones industrial index closed below 7,000 for the first time since 1996, 50% lower than the market's all-time high from a year and a half ago. The markets were concerned by still faltering banks and insurance giant AIG posting a $62 billion loss, the largest single quarter decline in U.S. corporate history. The government announced this week a restructuring of the bailout plan for AIG, extending another $30 billion in aid to the company.*...AIG executives promptly spent the $30 billion on stock options in their competitors, saying "only a chump would invest in AIG. Our stock is more worthless than Jimmy Fallon hosting "Late Night." Thanks, American taxpayers!" New York City officials, in response to the cratering stock market, are distributing complimentary steel umbrellas to shield pedestrians from falling brokers.

The Treasury Department released this video to try and cheer up the markets:

*...based on actual news

Comments

smerdyakov 10 years, 8 months ago

Thank you Treasury Department! I am now cheered up.

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