Chair Lifted

Actual News Nugs*

photo

A police sketch of the suspected wheelchair thief.

The stolen wheelchair of a disabled Lawrence man was recovered Thursday morning by police, only to have been found broken in two. Pat Helbert’s motorized wheelchair went missing Monday afternoon and was found dumped in a nearby residential neighborhood, the seat removed. Officers are working to track down the wheelchair thieves. Anyone with information is asked to call Crimestoppers, at 843-8477 (TIPS) or Lawrence police at 832-7509.

*...Investigators suspect the crime was inspired by recent video game release, "Grand Theft Asshole: Twat Town." Other copycat crimes inspired by the game include beating up pandas, setting Muppets on fire, making Natasha Richardson jokes, and being Bernie Madoff.

Sentencing for such crimes includes a maximum penalty of watching this movie on a constant loop for 150 years:

*...based on actual news

Comments

gavon 10 years, 8 months ago

Oooh, let's turn this into a game! "If you did this, you deserve to _."

If you did this, you deserve to get hemorrhoids infected with hook worms. Or be forced to eat at Carlos O' Kelly's every day for the rest of your life.

Next?

Aufbrezeln Eschaton 10 years, 8 months ago

If you did this, you deserve to die of a particularly nasty strain of flesh-eating gonorrhea, and then have it named after you.

Oooh, I like this game!!

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