Daily Dose

There's this pretty sweet apparel company called The Mountain and they make t-shirts. Not just any old t-shirt, mind you, but the finest t-shirts with animals on them ever printed and sold on the internet. Thanks to an enthusiastic Amazon.com user review for one of their Wolf t-shirts, their sales have jumped 2,300%. Enjoy a sampling of their high quality merchandise and the fulsome praise they have rightfully earned.

Dual Function Design, November 10, 2008

By B. Govern "Bee-Dot-Govern" (New Jersey, USA)

"This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women

Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."

If dragons could wear t-shirts, this is the one they would wear., May 20, 2009

By O. de Frias

"This is, without a doubt, the best black shirt with an angry monochrome dragon perched on two natural pillars on a cliff that I have ever seen. I know that when I get married, this is the undershirt I'll wear. The amount of awesome displayed on your chest canvas while wearing this shirt, obviously a shirt given to man by Zeus himself, is currently impossible to calculate using our current mathematical constructs. We actually need to devise a new form of mathematics which we should call Wurm Theory in order to parse the data.

I'm going to explain to you what it's like wearing this shirt. Each separate occasion merits a new stage of awesomeness being unlocked.

First wearing - You hear Sean Connery's voice command you to be the greatest. Whether you want to or not, while this shirt is on your back you will comply.

Second wearing - The best theme song of all time is instantly created for you and sung by the dragon on your shirt which, contrary to what you would assume, has an awe-inspiring singing voice.

Third wearing - You ascend to a higher level of consciousness.

Fourth wearing - The "what came first, the chicken or the egg" riddle is conclusively solved.

Fifth wearing - Zeus reveals his master plan and the meaning of life.

Sixth wearing - You get like, $0.20 off all your Starbucks purchases, and some places even let you take the cup you used the day before and knock an additional $0.05 if you use that.

PROS: Dragon on your shirt, Sean Connery finally gets some steady work again

CONS: Some of the independently-owned Starbucks don't let you do the used cup thing."

I now keep this shirt locked in a gun safe, May 22, 2009

By vondehl "rick"

"I bought this shirt 3 weeks ago and am just now able to eat solid food since my jaw has been unwired. I made the mistake of wearing this incredible article of 100% cotton ferociousness to a sportsbar/nightclub in North Phoenix. Of course I got in free because the bouncer was so intimidated by the burning crimson eyes of my Grizzly shirt, he simply averted his own weak, brown eyes and stepped aside.

As I strode in, several sad excuses for men screamed, dropped their Bud Light Limes and dove under the tables, thinking it was a real man-eating bear. Their women knew better than to be so easily frightened. They could smell the testosterone wafting off of the freshly printed design on the front, and one look at the shoulder-to-shoulder tape and my seamless collar had them fighting amongst themselves for the chance to be mauled on the dance floor.

I chose the blondest of them, and with her eyes half lidded, hungrily devouring the awesome image on my chest, she breathed, "How heavy is it?" I grunted my reply, "5.6 oz, with double needle construction throughout", and with one flick of my wrist, spun her out on the dance floor.

The problem was that I didn't see the guy already out there in his Three Wolf shirt, as he had his back to me, dancing all girly. As I planted my feet majestically in the middle of the floor, letting my new blonde prize begin her Dance of Bruin Seduction, this joker that dared to wear a Three Wolf shirt to the same club as me turned around, and with a sudden crack of lightning, his triple Canis Lupus locked graphic eyes with my singular Ursus Horribilis and all H.E. double hockey sticks broke loose.

I hate to say that since this was the first time I wore this shirt out in public, I just couldn't control it for longer than a few horrific seconds. It broke my jaw, lacerated my arms and dislocated my shoulder, but that poor s.o.b. barely had time to realize he brought only three wolves to a bear fight before his ego was chewed to metaphorical ribbons right in front of every awestruck desert hillbilly in the Arrowhead shopping district.

If you dare to buy these bloodthirsty threads, I recommend you take some cage-fighting lessons or only go to off-season craft shows until you think you can handle the terrible responsibility of knowing what might happen if you cross paths with some fool in a lesser shirt."

Comments

campblood 13 years, 4 months ago

...and I had thought that the ironic truck stop t-shirt fad had died along with the hats. damn you Bret from Flight of the Conchords. really though, let this one go. i recently saw some asshole in the style scout section wearing one these... really?

gavon 13 years, 4 months ago

Now, now, campblood...not everyone is a bleeding edge online savant like you and I.

alm77 13 years, 4 months ago

I've never really understood this whole "ironic" thing. What is the irony exactly? Because the only way I can get it to be "ironic" is that you are SO cool you would never wear that, right? But you do, so it's ironic. Which would inherently require the wear-er to not only be a certain level of cool, but for others to be able to recognize that. I mean, doesn't wearing something ironically mean that you expect other people to know that you're wearing it ironically? What if they don't know that? Wouldn't that just make you a dork?

gavon 13 years, 4 months ago

alm, your frustration is given form at this website:

http://www.latfh.com/

(for the curious, "latfh" stands for "Look at this f*cking hipster")

alm77 13 years, 4 months ago

I'm not so much 'frustrated' as genuinely confused. Here's my biggest worry: I think some hipster fashions look hot. What does that make me??

pistachio 13 years, 4 months ago

"Cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed" - best product review comment in the history of product reviews. It exposes a latent defect in printed t-shirts that most of us probably never think about. I myself cannot see the "Kansas" logo on a favorite t-shirt when I have a blanket pulled up to my armpits. Definitely a "con" in my book.

cakefever 13 years, 4 months ago

This article gave me super powers. PRO: I am awesome. CON: I am too awesome.

Chris Tackett 13 years, 4 months ago

alm77, you shouldn't worry about liking hipster fashion. much of it is just things that were or are fashionable on their own. It's the snotty attitude that often accompanies those fashions that people tend to dislike.

I enjoyed this piece on "blipsters" or black hipsters. http://theroot.com/views/rise-black-hipster I think it does a good job of explaining the motives behind outsider fashion.

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