Friday, October 16, 2009
If you were anything like the rest of humanity yesterday, you were probably glued to your TV or Twitter or high powered telescope by Falcon Heene, whom shall henceforth forever be referred to as Balloon Boy. No, not because he swallowed rubber bladders of heroin as a drug mule or because he's a fatty fat fat, but because he climbed into a giant floating Jiffy Pop and nearly died thousands of feet above Colorado. Or, that is to say, no.
In what was breathlessly being billed all day by the 24 hour news networks as an awesome hybrid of Baby Jessica, the slow speed O.J. Chase, and the Hindenburg disaster, 6 year old Heene supposedly climbed into of an "experimental craft" in his family's backyard that accidentally become untethered. Rescue teams chased the helium and boy filled craft for 50 miles until it safely touched down in a field. Hooray!
Except Falcon was never in the balloon.
Except he was hiding in the attic the entire time.
Except his family has no qualms about being on TV and has appeared on "Wife Swap"...twice.
Except, before calling police after apparently discovering his child had floated away in an aluminum muffin, father Richard Heene first called the local news.
Except Richard Heene slathers his children in goo so that they resemble human feces and makes them sit in a toilet so he can make this video...
Except the video of the balloon "accidentally" launching (a craft which Richard Heene is touting as a commuter vehicle so people can float to and from work...seriously) looks suspiciously staged...
Except Richard Heene believes we as a species are descended from extra terrestrials and is maybe-not-so-ironically a conspiracy theorist...
Richard Heene Speculates The Moon Landing Was A Hoax
The stench of fish here is so overpowering that I'm about to have the same reaction as Falcon himself...
Falcon Heene Barfs On Live Television
By the way, I'm still trying to track down the footage of Richard Heene melting down on "Wife Swap." If anyone knows where I can find the clip of him busting out a harmonica mid-argument and calling his swapped wife a "jackhammer," please post below.
UPDATE! I found the clip on "The Soup" and did a super-ghetto capture job directly off my TV. You like that DVR bar at the bottom? Of course you do.
And per Matt's suggestion, here's the infamous interview on CNN where Falcon admits "we did this for the show." It's since been revealed that Richard Heene was interested in drumming up publicity for a proposed reality series about his family. The jig, as they say (and perhaps they say as a play on words involving the Disney film about a boy carried away by balloons if they're too cute by half), is up. As of today, the Larimer County Sheriff is seeking felony charges against the Heenes for conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, making a false report to authorities and attempting to influence a public servant.