Better Know Your Balloon Boy

Daily Dose

photo

Sorry, Swine Flu Paranoia, but you're going to have to take a backseat for the next news cycle.

If you were anything like the rest of humanity yesterday, you were probably glued to your TV or Twitter or high powered telescope by Falcon Heene, whom shall henceforth forever be referred to as Balloon Boy. No, not because he swallowed rubber bladders of heroin as a drug mule or because he's a fatty fat fat, but because he climbed into a giant floating Jiffy Pop and nearly died thousands of feet above Colorado. Or, that is to say, no.

In what was breathlessly being billed all day by the 24 hour news networks as an awesome hybrid of Baby Jessica, the slow speed O.J. Chase, and the Hindenburg disaster, 6 year old Heene supposedly climbed into of an "experimental craft" in his family's backyard that accidentally become untethered. Rescue teams chased the helium and boy filled craft for 50 miles until it safely touched down in a field. Hooray!

Except Falcon was never in the balloon.

Except he was hiding in the attic the entire time.

Except his family has no qualms about being on TV and has appeared on "Wife Swap"...twice.

Except, before calling police after apparently discovering his child had floated away in an aluminum muffin, father Richard Heene first called the local news.

Except Richard Heene slathers his children in goo so that they resemble human feces and makes them sit in a toilet so he can make this video...

Pussification

Except the video of the balloon "accidentally" launching (a craft which Richard Heene is touting as a commuter vehicle so people can float to and from work...seriously) looks suspiciously staged...

Liftoff

Except Richard Heene believes we as a species are descended from extra terrestrials and is maybe-not-so-ironically a conspiracy theorist...

Richard Heene Speculates The Moon Landing Was A Hoax

The stench of fish here is so overpowering that I'm about to have the same reaction as Falcon himself...

Falcon Heene Barfs On Live Television

By the way, I'm still trying to track down the footage of Richard Heene melting down on "Wife Swap." If anyone knows where I can find the clip of him busting out a harmonica mid-argument and calling his swapped wife a "jackhammer," please post below.

UPDATE! I found the clip on "The Soup" and did a super-ghetto capture job directly off my TV. You like that DVR bar at the bottom? Of course you do.

And per Matt's suggestion, here's the infamous interview on CNN where Falcon admits "we did this for the show." It's since been revealed that Richard Heene was interested in drumming up publicity for a proposed reality series about his family. The jig, as they say (and perhaps they say as a play on words involving the Disney film about a boy carried away by balloons if they're too cute by half), is up. As of today, the Larimer County Sheriff is seeking felony charges against the Heenes for conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, making a false report to authorities and attempting to influence a public servant.

Comments

matt 10 years, 7 months ago

And except for Falcon busting the parents on CNN for telling him to "do it for the show". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wI6UON...

cakefever 10 years, 7 months ago

Can't wait for the obligatory South Park episode.

Diana Lee 10 years, 7 months ago

The dad's freak out was on The Soup last night. Holy shit, that was total insanity. That man lives in crazy town.

Aufbrezeln Eschaton 10 years, 7 months ago

But . . . but . . . he taught his five-year-old to scream "Pussified" and "Fuck that rule!" for entertainment value! He has to be a great guy, right? One who would never, ever do something just for attention.

gavon 10 years, 7 months ago

Updated with the freakout and Falcon's on-air admission! Thank you lawyerlee for pointing me towards "The Soup" and thank you to Matt for highlighting the CNN interview!

Commenting has been disabled for this item.