Friday, September 25, 2009
I am proud of the fact I have no tattoos.
I often think back to what would have happened if I’d gained some ink during any of the various stages of my life.
High school would have likely left me marked with the logo of the band Rush or a “Clockwork Orange” poster.
College could have stuck me sporting a Jayhawk mascot. Worse, I might have gotten a Kansas City Royals emblem.
The 1990s — my wife’s name?
The 2000s — Angelina Jolie’s name?
Safe to say I have few regrets about my non-tattooed agenda. Add in the fact that I have no piercings — never even got an earring in the ’80s — so I possess a corpse that should be mighty hard to identify.
To really hammer home the wisdom of a lifetime ban from body modifications, all I have to do is take a look at Ugliest Tattoos.
Dubbed “A Gallery of Regrets,” the site isn’t just a collection of poorly rendered work or garish images. No, these are monumentally catastrophic junk piles.
“The butterfly tramp stamps, NASCAR emblems and ‘Star Trek’ commemorative plate-style back pieces that walk this earth are an assault on the eyes and an affront to all who encounter them,” justifies the site, which launched in May.
Look no further than this week’s lead tat that features the late David Carradine on some poor freak’s appendage. Only this has the actor’s head on the body of a grasshopper — which was his character’s nickname on the TV series “Kung Fu.” And, in reference to his recent death allegedly by auto-erotic asphyxiation, Carradine is also depicted with a rope around his neck and genitals.
The tattoo seems equal parts tasteless AND reverential.
Want more? Ah, so many to choose from.
How about one showing a dolphin ... sitting in a recliner ... smoking a bong ... with smoke coming out his blow hole.
You know how I can tell it’s a dolphin and not a porpoise? The shape of the dorsal fin, silly.
Other winners include a leg tattoo of a possessed Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.” (If this dude ever gets a really bad knee injury, then he could simulate the head-spinning scene.) A thigh tattoo of Judge Judy with the words “Only Judy can judge me.” There’s even one of that “Chocolate Rain” guy with the tagline “I move away from the mic to breath in.”
Who says Internet fame is fleeting?
On the truly inexplicable side, check out the dude who flaunts a cartoon hamburger with eyes and tennis shoes on his right foot, and a similarly drawn hot dog on his left. A word balloon on the burger says “No pickles!” The dog says “No ketchup!”
When the feet are placed together the two foods give each other high-fives.
No pickles. No ketchup. No class. No clue.
— Entertainment editor Jon Niccum explores facets of pop culture that have established a unique niche on the Internet in Net Worth. He can be reached at 832-7178.