The Geocities-izer

Daily Dose

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

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These hamsters dance on GeoCities' grave (except in Japan, where it's still available for some reason).

Everything old and crappy will eventually be recycled by our intellectually bankrupt culture into something new and still crappy. Just look at Wayne Newton’s face. Actually, best not look at Wayne Newton’s face. The slightest change in air pressure caused by your eyeball shifting towards Wayne Newton’s face might cause the taut skin to snap, hurtling Wayne Newton’s face like a slingshot to the dark side of his skull.

It’s called “retro,” and it’s about time Web 1.0 had its chance at the revolving door of reconstituted pop pablum. Thanks to the Geocities-izer, that dream is about to come true!

This miracle of online devolution will bust down virtually any modern site to a painful ocular irritation filled with spinning floppy disks and bubble wallpaper. As the engine advertises, Geocities-izer will “make any webpage look it was made by a 13 year-old in 1996.

Check out the front page of this very site:


If you ask me, I think I prefer the more rustic approach. Especially with a MIDI version of Oasis’ “Wonderwall” playing in a constant loop. Pure, simple elegance.


And here’s our sister site, LJWorld.com:


I think the Bill Gates with devil horns adds a certain playful insouciance to the web design. The microchips in the background convey, “Hey, we’re on the world wide web of computers. Come play in our 56k wonderland!”


And here’s The Huffington Post:


The faux-populist editorial slant and tabloid packaging go down a whole lot smoother with both a bleeding rose AND a TIE fighter shooting lasers.


Lastly, The New York Times:


The Old Gray Lady is now a Young Canary Yellow Sass Factory. And if your tiny analog brain is confused by the Netscape-powered information-alanche, there are very helpful fingers pointing towards things you should look at.

So what are you waiting for? Jazz up your awful Tumblr that no one reads with the Geocities-izer! Web Kidz will be cyber-surfing your way faster than you can say “America Online walled garden community”!