Have you ever been cooped up for so long you start hallucinating? Ever suffer from a bout of cabin fever so severe you start behaving like a ketamine addict on an airplane?

I think I’ve hit that wall. Thanks to this winter hell-scape, my house has become an icy tomb. Haven’t stepped outside in weeks. I’m climbing up the walls. Literally. I’ve become so paranoid that I’ve strapped myself to the ceiling like a watchful salamander, lying in wait for the yetis. How am I typing this right now? Velcro on my laptop and the ceiling. Duh.

Beware, gentle reader. This tragic fate could also befall you. If you don’t get enough sunlight and its sanity salvaging Vitamin D, you too will start seeing things that aren’t there. Like Nicolas Cage. You’ll see his face everywhere. It’s a common psychosis, well documented by the website Nic Cage As Everyone.

So if you start seeing an Academy Award winning nephew of Francis Ford Coppola in places you know are irrational, seek help…the yetis will soon be at your door.

Master from Master Blaster

Amelia Earhart

Gandalf the White

Arnold Jackson

Pennywise

John "Bluto" Blutarsky

Al Swearengen

Dr. Who

Tiger Woods

The Wicked Witch of the West

Pamela Anderson

Paula Deen

Zac Efron

Sarah Palin

Jesse James

Amy Winehouse

Abraham Lincoln

Kanye West

Mona Lisa

The Burger King

John Mayer

Michael Myers

Ralphie Parker