Nation doomed by Missouri

I’m River City Jules, and I approved this message:

According to Missouri campaign ads, the good people of our neighboring state have selected two complete incompetents to run for the U.S. Senate. The candidates, to whom I will simply refer as Candidate B and Candidate C, each charge that the other will single-handedly destroy our country if elected, leaving every one of us without water, shelter or access to wireless Internet.

My friends, we are doomed. And it is all Missouri’s fault.

Given Missouri’s recent history, this comes as no surprise. After all, these are the same people who, in 2006, forced its television viewing areas to endure a Senate campaign that focused on embryonic stem cell research and nursing home violations. Ad after ad assured us our country’s future would rest in the hands of a heartless villain, as Missouri had seemingly pitted an incumbent who hated Michael J. Fox against a challenger who hated the elderly.

In the end, Missourians chose to save Michael J. Fox. And no one has survived past the age of 80 in Missouri ever since.

And now our neighbors are looking to replace their outgoing senator, whom I imagine looks forward to spending retirement waterboarding — er, swimming — at Table Rock Lake.

Unsuccessful attempts to woo Jon Hamm or Brad Pitt back to their home state for a run at the U.S. Senate have necessitated that Missouri resort to its far less sexy backup plan, one that has devolved into a smearfest of all-too typical proportions.

Candidate B puts out for bankers.

Candidate C won’t rest until we’re all jobless.

Candidate B doesn’t like polar bears.

Candidate C doesn’t like America.

Candidate B wants to shut down Facebook.

Candidate C broke up the Beatles.

Candidate B eats puppies for breakfast.

Candidate C wears pajamas made of panda fur.

I do not know which candidate is Team Donkey and which is Team Elephant. I considered Googling it, but then I remembered that I do not care.

Now before you get all indignant, Missouri, know I am well aware of the fact that Kansas has plenty of dirt-thirsty candidates of its own with an affinity for those pointless robocalls that never fail to come the moment I step into the shower. It’s just that you are far more fun to taunt.

(At least we aren’t Delaware though, which, in all honesty, I had forgotten was a state until their primary ended with the nomination of someone who promises, among other things, that she is not a witch.)

But even Delaware hasn’t hijacked our local airwaves like Missouri has. We still have 15 days to go before Missourians finally select one of these two evils to send to Washington to pillage our natural resources, maim our financial institutions and unravel our nation. Until then, stay classy, Missouri. We’re counting on you.

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