Serendipity

By Misty Nuckolls

Monday, June 23, 2008

5:15 pm, Sunday June 22nd

So. Right now I am fairly inebriated, and in about two hours I must sober up to have the most difficult discussion with my child that I can imagine. No, scratch that, I most certainly can imagine one more difficult, but we’ll get to that soon enough.

Terse recitation of facts has worked well for me so far, so here goes: A close friend of mine had a daughter, Chloe, about a year ago. Chloe was born with several massive heart defects, but was plugging along as best she could. Chloe and my daughter Penny were very close, despite the age difference.

This past week Chloe underwent open-heart surgery at Children’s Mercy to correct said defects. She and her family were staying with me and mine when they weren’t at the hospital. Chloe came out of surgery perfectly fine; ten hours later she suffered a massive stroke. About thirty-six excruciating hours after that, she was declared brain dead. Very soon thereafter, she was placed in her parents’ arms and the respirator was removed. Watching that was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and she wasn’t even my baby.

Here’s another terse recitation of facts for you: The universe is not fair. The universe, in fact, can suck my balls. There is no fucking sense to anything at all. Be careful when you pray, because if you ask to take a measure of someone’s pain on yourself just to spare them, then G-d might decide to take your melodramatic ass up on that offer. And finally, if G-d exists, He is one inscrutable, fucked-up bastard, and there’s not much He can do to me that would be worse than living as a human on this earth truly believing that He’s petty enough to both create pain like this AND hold all the names I've been calling Him lately against me. Cocksucking sonofabitch.

All of that aside, this is what I found when I logged onto PostSecret this morning, the first Chloe-free morning that’s been since she was born:

My second-fondest wish in the world, right now, is for that to be true.

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Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on June 23, 2008 at 1:42 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Sorry about that. The image should be fixed by our lovely homies/staff shortly.

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on June 23, 2008 at 6:34 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Posted by smerdyakov (anonymous) on June 24, 2008 at 10:17 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I hope your wish is realized sooner than later...

Here's another: “I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.”

Posted by duplenty (anonymous) on June 24, 2008 at 11:15 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Sincere condolences to you and Chloe's family and friends.

Posted by beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) on June 26, 2008 at 8:43 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Just catching up on Lawrence.com and am heartbroken to read this. There's a lot of fucked up shit in this world, but nothing gets me like the death of a child. I cannot even begin to comprehend what her parents are going through (and selfishly hope I never have to). I'm not going to sit here and preach that God has a plan and all is well in the world. It just doesn't make sense! But, even though he angers me sometimes, I do believe in God and will pray/am praying for Chloe's family.

How did Penny take the news? It's so difficult for the youngin's to grasp the concept and finality of death.

Anyway, *hugs* to you. Your friend is going to need tons of support in the coming months and she's blessed to have you as a close friend.

Posted by justthefacts (anonymous) on June 26, 2008 at 1:06 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I believe there cannot hardly be anything much worse then the loss of a child. But I have to believe that may be because I am not fully informed or aware of the other options. I do believe that good can come from pain and sadness, in time. I've seen it happen quite often - so hang in there and pay attention. Meanwhile, I hope your baby girl and all concerned survive this horrific pain & loss without it doing too much serious or permanent damage to anything vitally important.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on June 26, 2008 at 5:15 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Thanks, all. I just got back into town last night and have recovered from the four-day orgy of drunken grief enough to come on and read all these.

Penny took it well--so far. She's only three, though (almost four) so it's a hard concept for her to grasp. She's starting to realize what "dead" means, though, and seems to sense how much comfort and cuddling Mommy needs right now. Or maybe she's just seeming so extra-sweet because she's extra-precious to me right now.

Serendipity

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