Monday, November 26, 2007
"Two roads diverged in a mall, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that's why your gift is so bad ass."
-Robert Frost, "Why Your Christmas Gift Is So Bad Ass" (a parody of the poet's actual work "The Road Not Taken," 1915)
lawrence.com holiday commercial, scene one, take one
Scene: Woman in business casual navigates tiny, rodeo-clown car through shopping mall best she can, bumping into a throng of clone-like shoppers (choice of car is for comedic effect). Irritating Christmas music blares (think Mannheim Steamroller).
Voiceover (tired, exasperated voice): "I don't know what to buy." Woman passes Helzberg Diamonds, Foot Locker, Macy's, etc., all with lines of shoppers-each burdened with tons of bags (all labeled "SHOP")-snaking out the doors. Creepy salesman-types with dollar signs for eyes can be seen in the stores hovering over cowering shoppers. She is about to give up.
Then, at the very end of the mall, she catches a glimpse of the lawrence.com store.
Bad ass music (think the new Radiohead or Kanye-definitely not Christmas music) is piped in over the speakers, creating an upbeat yet mellow vibe. Everybody inside seems to be enjoying themselves. Some mingle and talk. Each has a shopping cart with one-of-a kind items inside.
"Alright," the woman says. She hops off the rodeo-clown car, and rips off her business casual suit, exposing a vintage Truckstop Honeymoon T-shirt. Words flash across the screen as music surges: "lawrence.com's wacky and whack (and wiggity-wiggity-whack) holiday gift guide, 2007 edition. Very choice."
Lawrence love
You love Lawrence, we assume. The parks, the people, the cafes, the nightlife, etc. It's splendid, right? Yes, splendid is the word we would use, too. Why not share with your loved ones the fruits of our town:
The Lawrence-wear gift pack.
"Where'd you get that 'Free State Beer' shirt?" "I don't know, I think it's American Eagle. Where'd you get that 'Love Garden' shirt?" "I don't know, my cousin gave it to me. I think it's Abercrombie or something."
Assembling the gift pack is as easy as macaroni. Just go to your favorite local stores and buy T-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, all the crap they cheaply print their logos onto, wrap it with string, and viola, you've got yourself a Lawrence-wear gift pack. Congratulations.
Local art
Lawrence, as you know, is home to 7,423 artists, some of whom are very talented. If you buy something from them, not only are you being a patriot by pumping money into the local economy, you're also buying yourself a fancy title: Patron of the Arts. (You may want to print a card and tape it to the back of the piece: "Courtesy of Lawrencian X, Patron of the Arts.")
This very week presents a few convenient chances to buy you some art: On Saturday, Dec. 1, the Lawrence Art Guild is holding a Holiday Art Fair at the Lawrence Arts Center. Then on Sunday, Dec. 2, Ladies of Lawrence Artwork (LOLA) is holding a Holiday Show and Sale at The Green Room Salon. Also Justin Marable's latest opening, at Signs of Life is a top-shelf option for holiday shoppers. Trust us, you aren't going to get his amazing work for anything less than it costs now-which is, considering the caliber of his work-quite affordable.
Artists' websites and other places to find local art are available following this story. Posting other local artists' websites, as well as your own gift ideas is highly encouraged...please use the comment section below..
Two exotic getaways
Tired of your vapid, crummy life? Don't worry, so are your comrades, lovers and kin. That's why you should buy them one of these two "exotic getaways."
Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas Convention.
Yes, it's back! The world's largest Santa Claus trade organization is hosting its second international convention, July 8-13, and the party's going down mere miles away in exciting Overland Park. If your loved one wants to grow a beard, dye it white, and pay the union dues, that's all it takes to qualify. Mrs. Clauses and elves are welcome, although the conference is mostly geared toward the jolly fat man.
Float the Kaw
Buy your pal an all-expenses-paid trip down the Kaw River for spring. Perfect for the person who wants to go on a float trip but doesn't want to drive clear down to the Ozarks. Canoes can be rented from the Kansas River Canoe Co. by calling Tom Farris at 842-3877, from Friends of the Kaw and elsewhere.
Impressive gift packs
In addition to the highly recommended Lawrence-wear gift pack, here are some more pack-type gifts. Always boss.
Bad movie gift pack
Recommended: Gigli, Cool as Ice (starring Vanilla Ice. Tagline: "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice."), Battlefield Earth, Reefer Madness, The Master of Disguise.
Booze pack (give responsibly)
The ideal booze pack would include something for every occasion, from Grey Goose Vodka to a Free State growler. Or you could buy an assortment of 40s: Mickey's, Olde English, Colt 45, etc. Remember, Old Style and Hamm's are the new PBR. Whatever you choose, the possibilities are endless.
Autograph gift pack
Autographs of Ronald Reagan, Fidel Castro and Walt Disney were going for mucha plata last week on eBay. But autographs of lesser knowns are cheap. Alone they may not blow anyone's mind, but bundle them together and you've got a gift to remember. Last week, "The Day After" star John Lithgow's autograph was going on eBay for $4.08. Michael Pennington, who played Moff Jerjerrod in "Star Wars Episode VI Return of the Jedi," was going for the same. Country singer John Conlee was going for a quarter. Some of the best places to find worthless autographs are flea markets, antique malls and pawn shops. Make sure they come on recyclable paper.
Items of necessity
Did you know you can buy stuff in bulk? How would you like it if your homey gave you a 48-pack of toilet paper? Bet you'd appreciate it a lot more than something useless, like an autograph pack. Particularly si no tengas mucha plata. Borrow your grandma's Costco card, or go online, and buy mass quantities of useful stuff. Suggestions: AA batteries, toilet paper, paper towels, and foodstuffs for the end times (dry goods, canned goods, Metamucil, etc.)
Tools
While we're on the subject of useful stuff, how about a toolbox full of tools. This is particularly good if your amigo is lazy-then it serves as both a gift and a message. Among the particularly handy items you could include: duct tape, bad ass box cutter blade, ratchet set, cordless drill, drill and screwdriver bit set, hammer, bad ass glue, flashlight, tape measure, square with ruler, level, measuring tape, utility saw, vise and/or vise grips, clamps, pro-grade caulking gun and caulk, etc.
Personalized gifts (that give the impression you 'care')
Make a gift yourself. Could be lame. Could be good. Could be so lame it is good. Could be that you think it's good but it's actually lame. Be careful.
Personalized trophy
Imagine: a glistening figure of plastic gold, triumphantly holding a basketball. Underneath, the words: "Lawrencian X, World Champ-1999." Let your chum know she's paramount.
Mix CD
A great choice if you've got dozens (perhaps hundreds) of people you'd like to give a little something to. Best in combination with a thoughtfully signed card, that is if it's for someone you give two shits about. Otherwise you risk a giving backfire, as if you'd just given your homey a piece of paper that reads: "You, like this gift, are devoid of value."
Painting
Get yourself a piece of plywood and some cheap paint and have at it. Your great aunt probably won't like it, but she'll pretend she does!
Gifts that defy categorization
Like the indie bands Apocalypse Eternity and Dildo Fever, these gifts don't like to be put into a box.
Rotary-dial phone
These things are coming back in a huge way. Don't let your homies be the last to get one. They're cheap and can easily be found at flea markets, antique malls, and in the garages of the elderly. For those without land lines, you can get a cell phone docking station on eBay, but even used they can cost mucha plata.
Record-playing van
First they invented the car, then the television. Have you heard what the Japanese are up to now? They're making these little toy vans that play records. You set one on top of your record and it rides around on it. The sound from the record comes out of a speaker in the van. An amazing invention. They can be a bit difficult to procure, making them a coveted gift if you're persistent. Watch one in action.
Sumo beanbags
This company called Sumo makes giant beanbags, and out of the blue they sent a couple to lawrence.com a while ago. If we were shameless promoters, we would tell you that they are incredibly comfortable, and about the best thing we've ever napped on. Not in the office, of course! Silly reader. :)
Pens that look like pencils
Always a hit. Great cheap pens at TJ Maxx, which is incidentally the very best chain store in the world.
Pencils that look like pens
What's she using? A pen? A pencil?
Gift card to the Lawrence Public Library
Ingredients: a library card, a laminating machine, a piece of paper that says "$500 to the Lawrence Public Library."
Erase yourself
You can offset the evil coal-fueled energy your gift recipient consumes by buying "green tags." Each green tag costs about $20 and 10 to 15 of them would set off 100 percent of the annual energy usage for the average home. And some companies offer their products at slightly higher rates to the same end. (For example, Continental Airlines will offset the carbon produced by your plane ride home for the holidays for approximately $15.) For ironic effect, let your main squeeze know you did all this by writing it on a slice of crumbling asbestos with lead-based paint. Green tags can be purchased through various companies, including Lawrence's Zephyr Energy.
Where to buy Lawrence art
Sites to find local artists
Fresh Produce Art Collective
freshproduceartcollective.com
Red Balloon Group
redballoo.ning.com
Lawrence Art Guild
lawrenceartguild.org
Ladies of Lawrence Artwork
ladiesoflawrence.blogspot.com
Local artist sites
J. Alex Stamos (lawrence.com contributor)
jalexstamos.com
John Lee (lawrence.com contributor)
mervsplace.com
Molly Murphy (lawrence.com contributor)
mollymurphy.etsy.com
Ailecia Ruscin (lawrence.com contributor)
Photos for sale by Ailecia. Also opening at Henry's this week
Jill Ensley (lawrence.com contributor)
myspace.com/jillensley
Dave Lowenstein (lawrence.com contributor)
davidlowenstein.com
Ian Huebert (lawrence.com contributor)
ianhuebert.com (site currently not working)
Jon Blumb (lawrence.com contributor)
jonblumb.com
Yuri Zupancic (lawrence.com contributor)
yuri-z.com
Jeromy Morris (lawrence.com contributor)
jeromymorris.com
Kendra Herring
kendraherring.com
Justin Marable
justinmarable.com
Jeremy Rockwell
jeremyrockwell.com
Aaron Storck
aaronstorck.com
Betsy Timmer
btimmer.com
Early Jewelry by Kylie Grater
earlyjewelry.com
Little Bluestem by Traci Furan
littlebluestem.com
Decoylab by Maiko Kuzunishi
decoylab.com
Kristen Ferrell
kristenferrell.com
Wiksten by Jenny Gordy
wiksten-made.typepad.com
Dan Coburn
danielwcoburn.com
Paper Treasures by Kathie Duguid
paper-treasures.com
Jo Flager
wildflowerart.net
Jeanita Ives
ivesimages.com
Joe Ray Kelley
joesfineart.com
Wayne Rhodus
rhodusphotography.com
Roger Spohn
rogerspohn.com
Dragon's Haven Art Works by Jay & Ingrid Alexander
dragonshavenartworks.com
Ann Durham
sunflower.com/~adurham
Karla Nathan
karlascottage.typepad.com
Catherine Hale Robins
catherinehalerobinssculptor.com
Alissa Sheley
a-sheley.com
Michelle Wade
naturesallure.com
Renaissance Mosaics by Linda Baranski
justmosaics.com
Jennifer Bricker-Pugh
abstractjenns.net
Laurie Culling
laurieculling.com
Kathy Drungilas
drungilas.com
Constance Ehrlich
constanceehrlich.com
White Robin Photography by D.W. Gates
whiterobin.com
Lacey Lewis
lacey-lewis.com
Laura Nugent
lauranugent.com
Nanette Siahaan
nanettescreations.com
Barbara Solberg
bsolbergart.com
Joe Sutcliffe
indigostudio.us
Robert Zerwekh
zerwekh.hypermart.net
lawrence.comrade
Comments
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cog_nate (Nate Poell) says...
Nicely done, especially the public library card idea.
November 27, 2007 at 1:53 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ihatelv (anonymous) says...
What a bunch of crap......
November 29, 2007 at 10:20 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
deadanimals (anonymous) says...
please let me offer the addition of my favorite artist's site:
www.kristinmorland.com
and no, it is not me.
November 29, 2007 at 10:45 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )