Jerks, Quarter-pounders, and Foreigner

Dear Auntie M, What should one say to a friend who continues dating (or being married to) a jerk (or jerk-ess) and yet wants you to listen and sympathize when the object of their affection behaves true to type? --MAMAT _Dear person who asks questions in the comment section when you should have sent your question to the email address listed above, You must be one of those people who actually listens to and cares about their friends rather than just telling them that they are stupid and requesting that they shut up. It's an admirable effort on your part, but listening to the same problem repeatedly can prove to be tiresome - just ask any of my friends. The first thing to keep in mind is that we are each responsible for our own happiness. You are not responsible for your friend's happiness. The jerk he/she is dating is not responsible for your friend's happiness. If your friend is discontent, then he/she is the only one who can fix it. But, that's not really the problem here. The problem is that you are tired of hearing about it. It's one thing to be the sounding board for your friends. We all occasionally need someone to listen as we vent our grievances. Hearing your problems aloud can be of great help; it's a major part of counseling. However, you shouldn't be expected to listen to the same shit over and over. It doesn't really help your friend to perpetually rehash the situation. It's annoying you, and, eventually, it could irreparably strain your relationship with him/her. So, keeping in mind that you are responsible for your happiness, I'd recommend that you tell your friends they're stupid and they should shut up. For an empathetic person this will seem difficult, unless, of course, you are drunk. Oh, also, I recommend that you get drunk. Best of luck, M _Dear Auntie M, If you eat a quarter-pound burger, would you actually weigh a quarter-pound more than before you ate the burger? Thanks for your help, --Clark_Dear Clark, Well, there's only one way to find out... ...Okay, I've just finished my quarter-pounder, so before I start on my fries, I'll just need to weigh myself. Now, I know my weight before eating the burger because it is on my driver's license. So, I'll just step on the scale and -HOLY CRAP! Apparently, if you eat a quarter-pound burger you will weigh 18 1/2 pounds more than before you ate the burger! That doesn't seem right. I know, I'll regurgitate the burger and then weigh myself again. Here goes... ...Oh god, I don't believe it. Even after throwing up the quarter-pounder, it still made me weigh over 18 pounds more. Unfair! Although, it was a quarter-pounder _with cheese. Maybe that had something to do with it. I'd better try it again. Until then, don't eat quarter-pounders! It could be dangerous. Thank you, Clark, for bringing this potential menace to our attention. I love science. M _Dear Agony Auntie M., I'm sorry. Sorry for cluttering your advice blog with my idiosyncratic treatises on Van Halen. I'm clearly not a normal person. I'll never make it in the straight world with a mind that thinks appropriate water cooler discussion is deconstructing Foreigner by contrasting "Hot-Blooded" with "I Want to Know What Love Is." I thought I knew you, but your defense of Sammy Hagar really threw me for a loop. OU812, Brute? Sincerely, Runnin' With the Devlin_Dear Devlin, Please allow me to clarify, that I may put your mind at ease. It was never my intention to glorify or even defend the work of Sammy Hagar. I am simply blinded by my love for Eddie. I do not wish to add nor detract from the efforts of any member of Van Halen, be they former or current (except for Cherone; that just never made sense). Please bear in mind that I was simply speaking from the viewpoint of a woman who is ever-so-slightly obsessed with EVH. Surely, you can appreciate that. As to the question of your normalcy: to that I say, point me in the direction of that water cooler! I'll talk Foreigner with you anytime. In short, I think I love you. M


Joel 18 years, 5 months ago

That's all I'm saying. I'll be good now.

blixa2x4 18 years, 4 months ago

what's so sad? i was reading along comfortably until that last comment.

Sarah Mathews 18 years, 4 months ago

Maybe she is sad that there will be no more talk of Van Halen. I know that makes ME sad.

mj allen 18 years, 5 months ago

Gentle readers,

The email address which was "listed above" is now listed below the blog. Damn those tricky editors!

And, Mathis, did you really have to get the VH ball rolling again? Fine! I smite thee, Gary Cherone! There, Joel. Ya happy now? Geez, I don't go to your blog and start problems.

Thank you, readers. I will relinquish your comment section to you now.

Joel 18 years, 5 months ago

C'mon Auntie. Surely you can't be so open-minded that you refuse to condemn the brief Gary Cherone era of Van Halen as the blight on rock n' roll that it was?

hodgie 18 years, 5 months ago

Auntie M,

Did you try this "Quarter Pounder with Cheese" experiment with a "Royale with Cheese"? Maybe you would become royalty if you ate one of these and then you could join the Royale family and rule all of McDonaldland with your new friends Mayor McCheese, Grimace, the Fry Guys, the Hamburgler, Birdie, and those McNugget things....(did they have names?)

Devlin, Foreigner "knows" what love is, just check 'em and see, they've got a fever of 103°. This instantly makes them better than Van Hagar. I will now no longer speak of VH in any form.

megiddo 17 years, 12 months ago

Grimace. He was the most soulful of the McDonaldLand denizens. Grimace, I'll miss you most of all. Hamburglar, you've never left me, not in spirit. I often feel your presence, others smell it moments later.

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