This issue: What to do if you find yourself attracted to Jamie Oliver

Perhaps this matter should have been addressed five years ago. But, honestly, I never thought it would go this far. It just seemed like a matter of time before the public would begin to see the light. Nonetheless, the celebrity chef phenomenon is out of fucking control. However, that topic is far too expansive to tackle in one go. Instead we shall focus on what is perhaps the greatest atrocity of the televised food movement: Jamie Oliver. By some inexplicable, subtle twist of human perversion, we have taken this reject from a Harry Potter casting call and turned him into, not only a celebrity, but a sex symbol. This is wrong. Regardless of why it happened or how it happened, it HAS happened and there is nothing to reverse it. All we can hope to do is help the weak and pathetic who have fallen victim to the grotesquely childlike charms of the Naked Chef. First off, should you find yourself attracted to Jamie Oliver, it is important to recognize that you are either a bi-curious female, or you have unfulfilled aspirations toward social work: probably with the developmentally challenged. I mean, look at him. Just, look at him... ![][1] To those who are, in fact, sexually attracted to Jamie Oliver, please seek treatment immediately. I recommend you go out and get shagged hard by the butchest, burliest person you can find male or female, doesn't matter. Otherwise, you may end up like Christina Ricci in that movie, Pumpkin. You see it? Good movie: but that doesn't make it right! It's no mystery that our standards for entertainment have reached new lows; but this does not excuse the rash sensationalism of allowing a retarded boy to play with knives on television. And as if this blatant exploitation isn't bad enough, to have hormonally imbalanced females accept him a sex object is really just too much. You may as well be fantasizing about the Teletubbies, you twisted bitches. Seriously, get help. [1]:


PatrickJoseph 15 years, 12 months ago

Is Jamie Oliver still on the Food Network? I haven't seen him since last year.

MJ Allen 15 years, 12 months ago

I don't know about the Food Network, but he's still on BBC, and he's still releasing books and DVDs and calendars... and weeing on himself.

Carmenilla 15 years, 12 months ago

By no means do I find him sexy BUT he did bring fresh and interesting cooking to legions of English viewers. I mean, they eat fatty bacon with ketchup and sausages made from blood. A salad in England makes me shudder with horror. Give Jamie Oliver a wee bit o' credit for getting Brits to eat things other than spotted dick and beans on toast. Otherwise he is a lisping pantywaist.....

Chala Roberts-Fife 15 years, 12 months ago

I agree with Carmenilla. I don't find Jamie Oliver attractive but I do admire the fact that he worked to bring back fresh and nutritious food to the English school system for the same cost as the processed slop that was being fed to the children before.

MJ Allen 15 years, 12 months ago

Perhaps Carmenilla has not visited Britain since the reign of Queen Victoria. If so, then we shall forgive what would otherwise be deemed an embarrassingly ignorant critique of the British diet. Ketchup on bacon, honestly. So, let's just forget about it and enjoy a can of American spray cheese. Ah, yes, aerosol and cheese. God bless America!

The British people do not need Jamie Oliver's help with anything, ever. He cannot even operate a toaster (all true, caught on film). Great Britain has access to cuisines from all around the world. It is evident that the British people know how to eat, otherwise they would be as fat as Americans.

Yes, the school food program was a great idea: that his publicity agent came up with.

Carmenilla 15 years, 12 months ago

Sorry Queen MjA, but I was in London and Brighton in 2005. Maybe I couldn't afford the "good" food but I was certainly offered the fatty bacon sandwich with ketchup. You just can't make that shit up. Also, I'm a big believer in eating local cuisine when travelling abroad. Let's just say that while I was in jolly old England I ate a lot of Indian food.

No need to be uppity and rude. I do agree that Jamie Oliver is pretty darn annoying.

Carmenilla 15 years, 12 months ago

MjA, why are you so offended by my comments? I was not attacking you on my first post (I actually agreed with you about said chef's celebrity) but you decided my slightly sarcastic opinion was an "embarrassingly ignorant critique" on English food. When was the last time you were in England being offered ketchup bacon sandwiches?

Also, it has always been my opinion that countries such as England and Holland had to go out and "colonize" other countries just to bring some decent food into the national conciousness.

It seems you found me to be a whipping boy for no good reason. Sorry if I offended your delicate Anglophile self.

Caterina Benalcazar 15 years, 11 months ago

I like blood sausage. Beans and toast are yummy.

Shelby 15 years, 11 months ago

I like bacon rolls, or whatever they call those rolls with thick-cut bacon and thick-cut butter in 'em. And fish 'n' chips are great, with malt vinegar and tartar sauce with capers.

I'm sorry but there is a place reserved in the world for the brittish cuisine...I love the organ meats (kidney pie is great) just as they do. Perhaps it's an acquired taste?

Anyway, MjA's taking offense to such lighthearted discourse speaks to their insecurity about something else, methinks.

billy 15 years, 11 months ago

There is some seriously messed-up shit in this post. When I first saw this show I thought it was wonderful that he wasn't the cookie cutter, self absorbed, aesthete chef. I kind of find it sad that you put this guy down for having a speech impediment and being a "retarded boy." I am sure you know this is an offensive term for folks with cognitive challenges. Oliver isn't even "developmentally challenged." But, that didn't stop you from personally attacking him, his sexuality, the sexuality of folks who like him and by extension the worth and sexuality of all kinds of folks who really do have physical and cognitive challenges. But hey, I guess you have to exercise that freedom of speech somehow. Too bad you didn't have something more important to do with it.

Here is an idea, the next time you don't like something that isn't hurting anyone and might even be a point of hope for some folks, turn the channel.

Shelby 15 years, 11 months ago

Billy forgot to mention one thing....she forgot to say that even those who aren't retarded can be offended by the bandying about of the term "retarded" when it's meant to be insulting. I am one of these people.

billy 15 years, 11 months ago

SHELBY: Whoa. Someone got my back. I feel . . . funny, less alone, more . . . hopefull. Hehe.

Carmenilla 15 years, 11 months ago

Shit-storm of political correctness.

Don't you wish we had stuck to food snobbery and limey-baiting?

LittleMissFlea 15 years, 11 months ago

I believe the preferred term for limey is now "Vitamin C Impaired British Sailor" and food snob is "Poor food impaired".

Shelby 15 years, 11 months ago

Then reason dictates that you're bi-curious and developmentally challenged.

Nick Spacek 15 years, 11 months ago

Waitaminnit... you mean to tell me that you can't use "retarded" to say something's gay now?

billy 15 years, 11 months ago

JOHNCONN: Shelby forgot to mention that you must be a bi-curious FEMALE and developmentally challenged. Apparently no male anywhere could possibly like him. Mainly this is because that would be really really gay.

billy 15 years, 11 months ago

I like that this mysterious johnconn person set up an account just to say that Jamie Oliver is hot. Very interesting. I wonder if he lives in the UK and has a cooking show (rubs chin).

Shelby 15 years, 11 months ago

I've seen Jamie Oliver make some spotted dick, actually.

That's not a sexual comment.

Seriously, I've seen him make some pretty good-looking food. He knew a thing or two about indian cooking.

Aileen Dingus 15 years, 11 months ago

Twisted bitch, right here. I just figure if more people think like MjA, the more chance I have. I think JO is cute as a button and I'd like to have a brew with him.

But seriously folks- chacun a son gout. (Imagine that phrase had accent marks and you said it like Gerard Depardieu) To each his own. I like the fact that Jamie Oliver is putting a face on the effort to improve school lunches. So what if HE didn't come up with it? He's endorsing it and pushing for it. You can't tell me that every good idea ever was developed by the person who advocated for it.

I also like the fact that celebrity chefs, while kind of ubiquitous, have de-mystified cooking. The fact that my husband can now cook is testament to that. He grew up thinking cooking was scary, hard and just too damn confusing for the normal person to grasp. Well, "All Emeril All the Time" on Food TV convinced him to give cooking a shot. Now it's his primary profession.

As to the slurs against gay, bi and retarded people- well- I was always told that name calling is used by someone who can't think of anything more interesting to say.

Deb Townsend 15 years, 11 months ago

Perhaps the proliferation of dingbat cooks, some of them aren't chefs, has forced some of the better talent off the old food network. Anthony Bourdain ran screaming from the network and now hosts a snarky foodie travel show.

The food network isnt for foodies as much as it used to be. Some foodies would argue that a network devoted to food is a declasse abomination, but I'm not that high up on the snobbery scale. Its not as food focused and more chef driven but that isnt necessarily a terrible thing if you see it for what it is. Its a network for the weekend warrior type of gourmet wannabe or a rescue for the regular joe that cant get past a standard menu that features pork chops on Tuesday and spaghetti Saturday and identifies with someone a few notches lower that Jacques Pepin. Not all of us serve duck con fit, so there is an avenue now for the novice, the timid of soul and palate.

It serves its purpose, but I would rather have more folks like Mario and Ina Garten than Rachel Ray and Semi Homemade Sandra. And I will admit a guilty pleasure of watching Paula Deen. She knows you can charm anyone into anything by melting about half a pound of butter into a dish. Her use of mayonnaise in anything she can nail down is almost comical.

But I really miss Wolfgang Puck,Julia Child, The Two Fat Ladies, and Graham Kerr. Like Aileen, the network at its present has given my husband the courage to go beyond the elementary "300 things to put melted cheese on." I guess that has its merits too.

I wont even address the name callers, we can malign Jamie Oliver with better than attacks on his sexuality and his mental capacity. And dont give me any crap for the lack of punctuation, I am having a rosie Odonnell haiku moment today.

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