Posted
by Jill Ensley
January 22, 2005 at 10:26 a.m.
Lou Ferrigno Has Been Cloned
I was nerdin' it up with a co-worker yesterday and we started discussing comic conventions. The conversation started when I said I was going to APE (Alternative Press Expo) in April, as I do (nearly) every year. Then the conversation turned to women at comic conventions and the fact that basically, if you're breathing and have tits, you can go for a cheap ego boost. Innocently enough, the conversation turned to Lou Ferrigno, as most good conversations do. We realized that he's at nearly every comic convention, whether it be San Diego's yearly International Comic-Con, or a smaller, more frequent venture in Kansas City.Thus, I've come to the conclusion:.The real Lou Ferrigno is actually wasting away in a dark room far, far beneath the earth, where he sits in a tattered, red-velvet chair in front of a bank of blinking-barking monitors and buttons. There he sits, day in, day out, shrunken and pale, wearing a long white robe and clutching a bright green marker tightly in one hand, his wiry hair growing and graying by the day. The other hand alternates between furiously working levers and buttons and sipping from a cup of [Green Magic][1]. If Lou Ferrigno gets agitated by something one of his robot minions says or does, he uncaps the green marker and begins rubbing the green dye all over his face, arms, and hands. [[photographic evidence, Lou with Clone #23][2]]Green. Not green-jealousy, or green-anger, but green, close to greed, the color of money, money gained from over-exposure amongst Klingons and cosplay victims. Money that piles up, accumulated from impossible dual, triple, simultaneous appearances. Someday they'll catch on he thinks:.someday.So if you happen upon him, or rather, one of his mechanical copies, watch closely. A word misplaced, a small twitch, a tiny spark emanating from the left ear. Listen closely and you'll hear a faint yelling that seems to come from inside the Ferrigno's own head, "YOU STUPID CLONE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO DUDES. ONLY THE LADIES! THE _ LADIES_, GOT IT?!" Then picture him, upcapping the green marker and slowly tracing his lips, muttering to himself while Clone #649 sets out on a mission, for cleavage.p.s. Don't let him get you on a [boat][3]. [1]: http://www.naturalways.com/greenmagic.htm [2]: http://www.allposters.com/IMAGES/MMPH/171247.jpg [3]: http://www.cruiseevents.net/ferrigno/brochure.htm
Comments
Lawrence.com does not necessarily agree with comments posted below - responsibility lies with the relevant user alone. Read our full policy.
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says…
Jill, you're just cool. 'Nuff said.
pissykitty (Melissa Lynch) says…
i'm scared. somebody hold me. what does he want to do to me on a boat???
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Didn't you watch the Hulk on TV? That "clone" is the late Bill Bixby, man. Show some respect.
And surely you can find someone better to ridicule than a guy who's been mostly deaf since childhood and overcame a debilitating illness to become an international sex symbol... I realize Lou may not be the heppest cat in the world, but I think he's more than earned his time in the fanboy spotlight. Don't you?
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
Ok, the end of the world has got to be near.... Ron is pleading for kindness and pity for others.... LOL. Seriously, I think Jill ought to take Ron (and his lady) with her to APE; sounds like a fun time!
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Who is this "Ron" character you keep referring to?
And for the record, (his lady) is quite possibly the most intellectually superior voice on these boards, so maybe you should think twice before referring to her in such a dismissive manner.
And I've never preached anything BUT kindness and others... unless they happen to be hipsters, bible beaters, or classist fuckwads. I don't think Ferrigno really falls into any of these categories, do you? Maybe I just don't know him well enough.
I'm definitely not asking anyone to PITY him, seeing as how he's more successful than anyone on this message board will ever be... I don't think he really needs that. Then again, like I said, I don't know the guy. This blog just struck a nerve in me, that's all.
Maybe the end of the world would be the best thing that ever happened to you guys...
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
Yea, I meet a lot of people who have IQ's over 156 on this blog..... LOL.
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Hey, I'm just saying... none of you have ever been able to successfully argue against any of her points on these blogs... My previous statements stand.
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
Glad you are true to your love. Intelligence is far more appealing and sexy then a lot of other things (to me at least). So, you are a lucky man. And yet.... success is a very subjective thing.....in whose eyes and under what criteria is it measured...? Further, not all discussions are designed as arguments...at least not by those who know better....After stating their personal opinions, some intelligent folk have learned to let the rebuttals lie where thrown...no sense in poking sticks at already living in their own cages... Unless you have a sadistic streak.... And finally, humans don't all speak the same language or fight on the same plains ... Can you imagine Albert E. or Steven H. even being understood by most people, let alone "winning" some of these on-line chat "fights"? LOL.
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
So, with such a good catch in the net, when's the wedding?
Snoop (anonymous) says…
Hey, I'm just saying... none of you have ever been able to successfully argue against any of her points on these blogs...
Who the flick are you talking about?
Who is this "Ron" character you keep referring to? i believe it shows disrespect, Rod
And for the record, (his lady) is quite possibly the most intellectually superior voice on these boards,
I.Q.'s over 96 are not allowed on Da Blogs. If she is so damm smart that have her write on why KU got their asses kicked yesterday!!
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
Wow, I never thought Lou Ferrigno would touch a nerve, especially with "Ron". Kudos to me. You bring up an interesting point though....can someone be a bible-beater, hipster, AND a classist fuckwit all rolled into one? I aspire to greatness.
And I wasn't aware that "arguing" with me was the point of ANY of my spew. I just throw it out there and watch.
Albert E. and Stephen H....sounds like a couple of physics rappers. That, or I get the image of a young Albert signing his math homework with labored cursive and a protruding tongue.
p.s. loo ferigno iz dum!!!!!!!1111
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
mitzibel, thanks darlin'. :)
pissykitty, oh...you KNOW what he wants to do. YEAH, that's right....buy you some coffee, sign a glossy 8x10 for you....oh yeah.
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Snoop:
Um, I guarantee you she is too damn smart to give a fuck about KU sports.
And I caught the "Ron" sarcasm, I just didn't see wher eI had said anything to desreve it.
You're much funnier when you're talking shit on gays, Snoop. Stick to something your good at, okay?
pissykitty (Melissa Lynch) says…
mmmmm, coffee and an 8x10 glossy... my favorite. for the record i am a big fan of mr. ferrigno, so whats the harm in having a little fun? its not like he'll actually read this... or will he??? LOU MAD!!!!
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
Seriously. I think the L.F. can take a gentle ribbing that he'll never read, from some putz in Kansas he's never heard of even.
however, Judd Winnick is another story....
squishypoet (anonymous) says…
I'm amused. :)
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
Trying....hard...not to....quote........Joe.....Pe...sci.....