February 11, 2009
Valentine's Day is creeping up on us like ill-fitting underwear, the red chafing kind that you might find at Spencers Gifts (does that store even exist anymore? oh....wait, it does: http://www.spencergifts.com/ Cheap shit never goes outta style, son. Especially NOT IN THIS ECONOMY.) Man, that reminds me, I saw the Mayor of Topeka buying fuzzy handcuffs at that store once. He saw the recognition in my eyes and quickly put them down. Thank god for the internets. Now Mayors can get their cheap thrills discretely. I hope, wherever he is, he has this sitting on his desk. 
Former Mayoral Crunk Juice, nothin' finer.Sometimes I get bored and instead of doing something productive, I look at Craigslist. And sometimes I find little funny nuggets, fuggets if you will. Things like, "Looking for a slut on the northshore." (which shouldn't be hard to find. Am I right? AMIRIGHT?!)and..."Want to hit a guy in the balls?"Wellll then, I know how I'm spending MY Valentine's Day.And here, here is my V-D present for you all....Preservation Hall Hot 4 featuring Clint Maedgen & The New Orleans Bingo! Show. Directed by Ron Rona & Clint Maedgen.
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meganstuke (Megan Stuke) says...
Why did our parents let us go in that store when we were kids? And why was I not totally fascinated with that crap, instead of all up in the COWABUNGA posters of Snoopy surfing?
February 12, 2009 at 3:09 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
gavon (Gavon Laessig) says...
Via Craigslist:
Fine, Don’t Fucking Hire Me, You Can’t Handle My Shit
What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Cover Letter? Here’s my fucking cover letter!
Now, I’m really low on money, and I’ll suck a dick if I have to…that’s right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I’ll fight that motherfucker and I’ll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What’d you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I’ll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That’s how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you’re not cool with that? I’ll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don’t believe me?! Then hire me and I’ll fucking show you!
OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.
SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom’s vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie “Juwanna Mann” at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop
RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people
GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing…documents of hate.
REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com
Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com
Now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.
Sincerely,
Steve Madonna
February 12, 2009 at 5:06 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
smerdyakov (anonymous) says...
The owner of http://peanutbutternipples.com does not deserve a job. What a disappointment.
February 12, 2009 at 7:27 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )