Lawrence.com

As I was channel surfing the other day, I couldn’t help but settle on a rerun of “Full House” (that awful, cheesy Olsen twin-producing show from the early ’90s). Normally I would abruptly change the channel to save some brain cells, but I couldn’t help myself this time. I just stared at little Stephanie Tanner and her adorable curls and thought to myself, how does someone so cute and so seemingly innocent end up as a meth addict? I guess we can attribute a lot of the dysfunction to living in la-la land and the inherent insanity and insecurity that celebrity brings, especially with the young’ns. But then again, crazy is what makes the world go ’round, am I right?

Famous director drops Scientology like a hot biscuit

Paul Haggis — director of the Oscar-winning movie “Crash” — has been a 35-year veteran of Scientology. Well, not anymore. Haggis has renounced his Scientology ways, and he isn’t going down quietly.

Haggis wrote a public letter to the church, bashing it for looking away as one of their chapters sided against gay rights. Additionally, Haggis was shocked the church denied practicing the controversial method of “disconnection” — severing ties with a friend or family member who might not be supportive of Scientology. Haggis says his own wife was forced to disconnect from her parents after they voiced objections about the church.

“The great majority of Scientologists I know are good people who are genuinely interested in improving conditions on this planet and helping others,” Haggis wrote. “I have to believe that if they knew what I now know, they, too, would be horrified.”

Well, you hear now and again of celebs defecting from Scientology. But this hits the church hard as Haggis is rather famous and obviously has a lot to say. And he’s not a newbie, either. He’s been with the church for over three decades, so you know he’s seen a lot. I like to think I’m open minded about all religions. But I struggle with Scientology. From everything I’ve read, it seems to be just a creepy club for rich people who pay lots of money to become masters at passing polygraphs. And Mr. couch-jumping crazy-eyes Tom Cruise certainly hasn’t helped. But then again, if being a Scientologist makes one happy, who am I to judge...

Nothing sells books like sex and drugs and suicide

True to form, a bunch of C-list and D-list celebs are following Mackenzie Phillips' lead and putting it all out there in tell-all autobiographies (oh, I mean memoirs). Thanks to Jesus, Xenu (or whomever you choose to love), none of these celebs admit to having sex with their fathers.

Reality star and '80s wrestler Hulk Hogan reveals he was suicidal when he and his now ex-wife, Linda, broke it off. He also reveals he was a steroid user and cocaine user back in the day. I'm not terribly surprised by the coke and steroid use (I mean, have you seen this guy?), but I didn't peg the Hulk as one who would take a bunch of pills and pull out a gun.

Full House kid star turned meth head, Jodie Sweetin, has penned an autobiography and does she ever have some juice. After that terrible show ended back in the mid-'90s, Sweetin starting abusing drugs and alcohol. In her book she reveals she was high on meth at a movie premiere for the Olsen twins. She also admits she drove drunk with her infant daughter in the car, and she's still trying to work out child custody with her ex-husband. Um, darlin', not sure this book is going to help your case. FYI: her book's title is UnSweetined (insert hearty laugh).

And our favorite hot head athlete, Andre Agassi, also admits in his new autobiography that he used meth back in the day (when he was married to Brooke Shields…remember that?) Wow…I didn't realize meth was such a society drug!

I hear meth is a nasty habit to break, so part of me can't help but wonder if we'll see a celebrity version of Intervention soon.

Teach your children well

Four teenagers targeted stars — including Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Orlando Bloom — by casing their homes via fashion magazines, Web sites and gossip television shows and then robbed them. They stole millions of dollars, according to Los Angeles police. And one of the suspects is a girl who had hoped to star in her own reality show. Folks, this is what reality television breeds!

And you know these fame-hungry kids love the attention they are getting. As the Guardian put it:

“In a twist seemingly written by a jobbing Hollywood screenwriter, the suspects now find themselves featured alongside the celebrities they are accused of burgling on TMZ.com.”

It really freaks me out to know this kind of stuff is going down, even in la-la land.

Angie and her secrets

And in Angelina Jolie news … a tell-all biography by the same author who penned controversial biographies about Tom Cruise and Princess Diana, claims Jolie allegedly slept with her own mother’s live-in boyfriend when she (Angie) was 16 years old. Now, one must ask oneself, how does the author (Andrew Morton) know all this? Who the heck knows. I’m just a messenger among many. This is a gossip mill, right?

I’m not a fan of Angie’s, per say, because I do think she’s a crazy loon, and I have a hard time swallowing the whole “I wear a vile of my husband’s blood one day and the next I’m the second coming of Mother Teresa” thing, but I also don’t want to be a hater. So … do with this news what you will.

Randy Quaid makes Cousin Eddie seem pretty normal

Remember Randy Quaid? Well, he and his wife, Evi, are pretty insane. They were recently charged with three felonies - burglary, conspiracy and defrauding an innkeeper - after they dined and dashed. And then they didn't show up for their court hearing, so they are being extradited.

I guess the Quaids are repeat offenders, too. Radar Online reports Randy and Evi owe Hotel Bel-Air $17,000 in unpaid hotel bills and are holding on to a rental car that has been reported missing by Hertz Rent-A-Car.

But wait! There's more: I guess Evi once asked a private detective to investigate death threats against she and Randy, but the investigator ended up filing a restraining order against her, saying she was “mentally unstable” and using drugs.

I don't get it - shouldn't they have enough money to pay for this stuff, especially with the royalties from the National Lampoon movies? In fact, I got sucked into watching Christmas Vacation the other night for the 400 billionth time, and Cousin Eddie has a lot to do with my love for all things Vacation. But like many celebs out there, they've probably spent all their money and expect to get everything for free. Or they are just crazy loons. Or both.

Please share your comments, readers! And tune in next week for your fix of celebrity gossip!