Posted
by Liz Weslander
June 11, 2004 at 10:36 a.m.
The Numbers Game
For the first time ever last week, my husband and I actually agreed that having a third kid is not totally out of the question. Our twins will be four at the end of the year, I'm almost thirty, and because we're interested in keeping our parenting years fairly condensed, a feeling of "now or never" is starting to set in. To those of you who know us, I just want to say don't get all excited. I just said that we agreed that a third child is not out of the question. Up until now, one of us, depending on the timing, has always said "no way in hell are we having another kid."Anyway, this talk of more children got me to playing the numbers game. By this, I mean I started taking an inventory of the number of children in the families I've come across. I then used my expert methods of arm chair psychology and snap judgements to come to the following conclusions about how the number of kids in a family affect the family dynamic. Here are my assessments, feel free to disagree.One Child: Having twins, I never did the one child thing. Consequently, I have lots of snap judgements on this one. From what I have observed, only (and first born) children are, by and large, bright, out-going, and well behaved kids. First-time parents are by nature over-zealous and often have a "you are my offspring and I will mold you into a better me" approach. Because the only dynamic present is the one between the child and his parents, what the parents say usually flies. When I'm around folks with one kid I'm always a little surprised at how much they expect of their child. I'm even more surprised by how often the kid lives up to the expectation. I have also observed a totally different dynamic with only children and that is the one where the kid runs the show, period. By and large, the only child route seems pretty cozy. I will say that my experience with "adult" only children in college was that their attitudes ranged somewhere between vague bewilderment: "you mean there is more than one way to do things?" to totally insufferable: "Things aren't going my way, dammit, I will cry and then go call my parents." Plus, I think it would be a little lonely to be an only child.Two Children: Two kids seems to be the magic number for many families. Everybody has a sibling, the parents aren't out numbered, no need for a minivan, life is good. Besides that, the second kid gives everyone in the family some much needed perspective. The first born is no longer the center of the world and the parents have relaxed a bit and realized things like eating food that's touched the ground will not kill your child. An amusing phenomenon I have observed is that the second kid is often a real pain in the ass compared to the first. (I'm a second child so I can say this). It's as if they sense the comfy family dynamic that preceded them and they make it their mission to blow that dynamic out of the water. Two children is very safe. However, my grandmother once said that the best part of life is when your kids are young and the house is full. Although the feminist in me gags a bit to hear that, I can see the truth in it. So why stop at two?Three Children: If you thought you barely had time to yourself at two, people tell me I should really try three. This is a little frightening. However, having come from a family with three children I must say that there's something nice about being part of a brood and not a pair. Of course when there are three, the whole oldest, middle, baby roles will emerge, but there are advantages to each position. Also, three requires a car with lots of seatbelts and a house with more than two bedrooms - both of which my family lacks at the moment. It never occurred to me that the high cost of housing in this town could serve as birth control.Four or more Children: These folks are obviously into having a family and they are working their behinds off. More power to you.Having twins means that we have had the luxury, and misfortune, of experiencing aspects of most of these family configurations. Both of our girls are technically firstborns, and have therefore reaped some of the benefits of overzealous first time parents. However, two at once also puts you on the accelerated track to the "just as long as it won't kill you" philosophy of parenting, something most parents with one child find appalling. Finally it may not be three kids, but two hungry infants, two spirited toddlers, and two busy little girls, don't allow you a lot of spare time. It almost seems like a third would just be comic relief. But with my luck, number "three" could very well turn out to be number "three and four." Maybe I should just stand firm on "no way in hell are we having another kid."
Comments
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sparkzilla (anonymous) says…
Two is plenty. I notice that a lot of the people who bitch about urban sprawl and overcrowed schools and highways have more than two kids. DUH. Where do they think all these people come from? The planet is overpopulated enough!
pinklady (anonymous) says…
my mom always subscribed to the theory that you shouldn't have more kids then you have arms...therefore 2 children. but i think that might have just been a nice way of saying that i was a pain in the ass.
Todd (anonymous) says…
3+ kids is the way to go. That way you can team up on each other. Alliances change at the drop of a hat and sometimes it's every kid for him/herself. Don't worry about costs either, things like that will work themselves out. There's just no way 30 years from now you'll look back and say, "I should wish I had that extra $2,000 back in 2004 instead of this kid". On the other hand there's a good chance you look back and say, "What was I so worried about back then?"
Barkstone (Laura Barker) says…
We have 5 kids, age 7 and under. I never wanted a crazy big family; in fact, I wasn't sure I wanted kids at all. #1 and #2 came 2-1/2 years apart, and that was ok. Then we reached the place where you are now--- considersing #3. What we got was #3 and #4 all at once with identical girls. Then #5, the lone boy, came along 2 years later. We are officially a crazy, big family.
The dynamics are facinating. My husband and I went from man-to-man defense to zone defense. Now that the twins are easing out of the terrible two's I don't feel like I need to be medicated or committed. And the stories we have to tell terrify other parents and convince teenagers on the merits of abstinance.
Even though we drive an uncool giant green van that costs $50 to fill up and causes people to double-take and count car seats when they drive by, and even though we spend obscene amounts of money on diapers and groceries, and even though we have no private time or social lives we would do it all over again, and we wouldn't change a thing.
Sara (anonymous) says…
That's the rub, isn't it? Kids consume your lives, take over your consciousness and demand so much. My parents made a lot of sacrifices to have a large family. Sacrifices I'm not sure I'd be willing to make. Yet I can't imagine any of my siblings not existing. Of course they're worth it. But by following that logic, I should already be having my own children, and lots of them. Yet I know I'm not ready. Tough issue to resolve.
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says…
and babies are so intoxicating...
This is a deep and scary subject, I think, because deciding whether or not to have another baby is also deciding to end your current chapter in life and move on to the next. And I think this is especially heavy for women, because so much of our early years are spent keeping control of our fertility. I thought I wanted another baby until I realized what I really wanted was to be a 28-year-old new mom again, but this time with confidence. Baby #3 wasn't about a baby at all; it was about me growing older. It also helps that many of my friends are still having babies, so I get my fix when I need it.
funkdog1 (anonymous) says…
We have one child. I always assumed that if we had one child, we'd go ahead and have two. Now I don't know. I am so tired.
liz (Liz Weslander) says…
funkdog, how old is your child? I don't think it was until my kids hit three (and started pre-school) that the constant tiredness let up. But just so you know, there is light.
Josiahtrust (anonymous) says…
I have a puppy...
PJsMom (anonymous) says…
I say go for it! I have two girls ages 15 and 3 - same marriage and father. Essentially we have two only children. For the most part it works but if it we had a choice there would have been two more in between - but not everyone gets to choose when and if they can have kids. The beauty of you having three kids is, since you have twins, there is not middle child syndrome to worry about - because believe me - it exists! I come from a family of three - and for the most part it is great - but there is definitely the stereotypical oldest, middle, baby thing happening. My sister (the middle) has a lot of issues that stem from being the middle child.
A third child is not out of the question for me - it just isn't really my choice. I have to make a decision of whether to keep trying soon though - 40 is fast approaching and I don't want to have grandkids and kids the same age! My advice is act quick before you let too much time pass!
SAHM2tylrnathan (anonymous) says…
Well, we quit at two. Even when I figured I didn't want kids, I always said I would have them before 35 or not at all. Number 2 was born 11 days before my 35th birthday. Pretty amazing when we didn't even decide we wanted to have any until I was 30. I come from a family with two kids. My parents were both one of two, my cousins are in pairs. Only lawbreaker here is my husband who was an only. Reflecting on when we decided to go for two, I think if you are considering it, you probably feel 90% OK with it but are just anxious about starting the process all over again! I have had zero regrets about having my tubes tied during my second c-section. I didn't want to do the pregnancy thing again at 36 or more, I just don't have the energy or the desire. Why not jump in and see what swims? ;0) What's the worst that could happen, triplets? (Just joking!)
And Liz, I agree with 3 being the age where you start to get some semblance of a life and self back. They get so much more independent about then. You don't have to hover around them so much at the playground--you can actually sit an talk to someone while you watch them play. Three also seemed to be the age where daddy wanted to take him alone more often, letting me get some time by myself.
DalWard (anonymous) says…
I am the oldest of 4 kids. My younger brothers are twins. They are fraternal and have separate birthdays. I also have a sister. I'm 23, my brothers are 21, and my sis is 18. My parents are very happy they have had as many kids as they did, and have repeatedly said they wouldn't change anything. My dad grew up in a family of 5 kids, my mom was in a fam of 3 kids. Both were the middle child, but I don't think there is anything really wrong with them because of it.
I'm getting married soon and my fiance and I don't want to have kids for about 7 years so that we will both be done with school (I'll be 25 when I finish in 1.5 years, and she'll be 23 or 24 in the 2 or 3 years it takes for her to finish), and get to have some time just for us to enjoy that period in adulthood where you are making some money and can have a bit of the fun with it you've always said you would have before you devote your time and money to your offspring. We think that 2 kids, possibly 3 is what we would like to have eventually, but occasionally we both just say that we would be perfectly happy being childless.
sofresh (anonymous) says…
I feel you sisters...kids are such a huge commitment and too bad you cant sell them or eat them if they get to be too much money or hassle. BUt seriously, thoh youve gotto do whats best for them and sometimes that means having more. and more. and more! nothing like a little companionship and friendship growing up, siblings are the best for this! Not to mention they'll stand by you if your parents try to sell or eat you. Take care and god bless!
sofresh (anonymous) says…
Oh, Liz, it was so good to finally hear from you! THe Wakarusans have such a beautiful culture and I feel we have so much to learn from them dont you?
I didnt mean to sound accusetory but my dog disappeared around the same time you started giving me the silent treatment so I thout you might be up to something. What I wanted to ask is YOU dont know anything about it do you? I suspected the neighbors, but not so sure now because their really busy lately ;)
In response to your question yes my husband Robert and I have 3 wonderful girls ages 7, 5, and 9. THe middle child sindrome is so true! I suspect that little Tracy is already smoking! But I know the lord will give me strength to do the right thing in the end.
Your all so beautiful! Have a glorious day!
liz (Liz Weslander) says…
Uh, I don't know anyone with children who is regularly on the computer at 3am, so I guess I'll just continue with this fictional silent treatment.
sofresh (anonymous) says…
Oh but Liz you DO know me! And we have so much catching up to do its been so long since I saw you last. And bingos been gone for a long time too. It makes me so sad!
I'm only up at 3 am because our youngest lacy is still on the tit. But how do I type and brestfeed at the same time you aks? Its a wonder what you can do with duck tape! Lets get the kids together again real soon!
Love and Prayers!
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says…
Liz, judging by the misspellings and the slipshod grammar, I think "sofresh" is our fellow blogger we were having problems with before.
JB, you could use a hobby.
sofresh (anonymous) says…
NO! Its Dianne Everett! From Googles! Give me a call real soon the eagles cd was great!
1981 (Jason Barr) says…
Wow, I can't believe I missed that comment. I can assure you that sofresh is not me. Way to call me out on nothing! -jbarr