Posted
by Matt Armstrong
October 23, 2008 at 11:12 p.m.
Everything Is Going To Be Okay, I Promise.
So I voted today, giving in after I realized that you didn't have to mail your ballot back and forth; just walk in, verify that you are registered, fill in the bubbles and drop it in the box. Two years of pressure melted off immediately. At this point, there's nothing more I can do, outside of posting blog entries and bulletins urging people to do the same, and ASAP. I can only wait for the results now.But now that I'm done, the news has taken an interesting turn. Here on the post-voting side of things, it turns infinitely entertaining. From all sides, the media reports wild speculation about what could happen to us after the election; and if you take the press releases from the campaigns directly it swings into complete madness, with promises of socialism, terrorism, patriotism, liberalism, fundamentalism, and I think one cannibalism.But why stop there? If we as Americans can do anything right, it's digesting the news, and proudly thumping our chests, crying, "Bullshit"! But what if they're right? Surely there's something good to to be found in each scenario, as well as the obvious bad news. Let's explore, shall we?Scenario #1: McCain wins, sticks to his promised policies. Good: The US continues to spend money as fast as they can get it. More banks fail, we borrow money to "bail them out", only to see more banks fail. Slowly, as foreign nations realize that we've taken most of their money, the U.S. reveals itself as a brutal highwayman. As the most buyin'est mother fuckers on the planet, we have taken most of their foreign investment money, our competiting nations collapse, and we return to our original "power-top" position in the market place. Bad: Using a hatchet to stop federal spending, it's obvious that he's not going to cut Military or Defense spending. What goes first is health care, it's a core party platform that the government shouldn't pay for anyone's well being. The elderly and infirmed die off quickly. In an unfortunate turn of events, McCain's support of Yucca Mountain leads to the irradiation of Mid-American soil, and the dead quickly rise again to stalk our streets. The new undead Zombie minority swings votes towards whomever courts them (already being registered by ACORN). The healthcare problem goes away with the promise of undead renewal, and the American workforce regrows with a new standard of automatons doing all the old work at unheardof levels of productivity. The 20 person ragamuffin group of people running America from a 100 story skyscraper rake in new amounts of influence on the world stage. Scenario #2: Obama wins, sticks to his promised policies. Good: Inclusive government welcomes talks with nations posing threats. Public trust rebuilds in the American future, foreign nations begin to re-invest in the U.S., the market climbs with technology leading the way... Congratulations! It's the 90's!!! Bad: Obama takes his oath on the Quran, only to stop halfway, waving his hands and declaring, "Nah, nah, nah, I'm just fuckin' witcha." Obama reveals himself to be a silly, silly man with no experience, who will creepily chuckle after making a dooms day statement, and spend money wildly towards supporting his friends. Wait a minute... Scenario #3: McCain wins, goes back to the way he was in 2000. Good: He forms a Lincoln-esque cabinet, stacking enemies in his cabinet and the Supreme Court, and piling friends in the Senate and house. Pushes against torture. Protects the rights of women. Slowly, oh so slowly, we progress. Bad: He dies months, if not weeks after the election. Palin appoints her children & siblings to her cabinet, & disbands the Congress, because "I've never heard of anything they ever did." Scenario #4: Obama wins, reveals himself as a salutin' shootin' socialist. Good: Social programs skyrocket, single mothers have the help they need and the transportation for work, students entering and leaving publicly funded colleges have support they need to establish satisfying careers. Unequaled healthcare for all. Limitless unemployment insurance. Malik Zulu Shabazz states, "Hey! Cool! I'm done here!", and goes to try one of those latte things. Later, he renames the New Black Panther Party (NBPP) to the New Prince Buster Party (NPBP), and the revival of Kingston Dancehall singlehandedly revives the American recording industry. Bad: Upon learning that in order to support these programs Americans have to pay "French" (read: 50%+) levels of income tax, an angry mob descends upon the White House. On the south lawn, during an Aerosmith concert and fireworks display, Obama's head is sawed off by unemployed machinist's that simply chant anti social-service mantras. The new socialism collapses like a flan in a knife drawer, and as we slide into communism Guantanamo is remembered as "America's First Gulag". Scenario #5: Obama wins, turns out "Oh Shit, he's a terrorist!!" Oopsie! Good: You will kiss your wife goodbye harder. You will hug your friends goodbye when they leave the bar, because you do not know when you will see them again. Living in America will feel like there are fucking dinosaurs roaming our streets. We learn to think strategically, and we survive. Wolverines! Bad: Every Muslim American will be rounded up and locked away, ala Internment Camps during WWII. Daily news of bombings and the fallout of our government lead us to quit our jobs, because staying home is just safer. The GDP tanks, and the Midwest becomes a smoking wasteland. Scenario #6: In the face of staggering early voter turn out, Bush declares martial law, and cancels the election in the name of National Security. Good: We get to go camping! Bad: The end of the five dollar footlong era. Pundits, far into the future will argue about just when this whole "Totalitarian Regime" thing will pass over as we watch over dinners of whatever we could kill in our backyard. Rachel Maddow is assassinated on the air.Feel free to add your own! It's a thought experiment! -m@
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Comments
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queenkv (Kris Vera-Phillips) says…
What happens if Senator Biden steps in? (aka something happens to Senator Obama and Biden becomes president)
Shelby (anonymous) says…
I think you mean Rachel Maddow.And I'm not sure that should be put in the "bad" category.
matt (Matt Armstrong) says…
If Biden steps in?Good: Whenever his promised "Generated International Incident" happens, he responds in an incredibly well thought out and responsible way, as opposed to throwing money or bombs at it. In the vein of the Violence against Women act, American's civil liberties are well protected. With his belief in the American work force, slowly US Steel becomes a power house in the world market again.Bad: As an apology, Chuck Graham is appointed Vice President. Punditocracy has more gaffes than Gavon knows what to do with. The US Capitol is moved to Scranton, Penn.. The US continues to be seen as a joke on the world stage.Feel free to fill in your own. I'm gonna run out of ideas.
DOTDOT (anonymous) says…
Scenario # (8?): The American people realize that the elected candidate lacks the power to implement any of his campaign promises.Good: We the people get off our lazy spoiled asses and work as individuals to realize our potential as a people. The dramatic revelation that government cannot solve the problems we expect them to solve will cause people to make revolutionary decisons about their lives.1) They will stop being stupid about motgages they can't afford on properties that are over-valued. "Education Reform" will consist of learning how to use a goddamn calculator.2) They will understand that inflated health care costs are due in large part as a result of the false economy created by suing each other's dumb asses over every misfortune imaginable.3) They will realize that our country's infrastructure was built on the availablity of cheap gasoline and strucure their lives around the fact that that era will end. Live closer to work. Drive smaller cars. Yadayada.4) They will realize that jobs are going overseas for a reason, and pay inflated costs for domestically produced widgets. This way the guy that spends 8 hours a day screwing glove boxes together can afford the subprime mortgage on his overvalued house as well as his union dues that go toward subsidizing corrupt union officials and everybody is happy not having to call this socialism.Bad: The next election will exacerbate the reality that "The West Wing" is more grounded in reality than the farce we call political campaigning.
DOTDOT (anonymous) says…
And learn how to spell "structure."
Shelby (anonymous) says…
I would like to retract the nasty comment of mine about Rachel Maddow. I don't want anyone to be assassinated, unless it's Admiral Ackbardinnijadd. Or Sandra Bernhardt.
sets (anonymous) says…
#9 Good: Obama wins and America embarks on government health care, education reform and everyone who wants will buy a home. Bad: Diversity means everyone except conservatives. There is no purple only blue states.Good: McCain wins and America takes control of their own energy production and the government stops buying on credit.Bad: Anarchyst riot and set off a wave of domestic terrorism.Insha'Allah
matt (Matt Armstrong) says…
Shelby, I think it's incredible rude of you to call for the death of the mighty leader of the Rebel Fleet, the war hero who personally planned the second Death Star run. I mean, the proud Mon Calamari helped fight the Yuuzhan Vong post retirement, for God's sake. And to use his formal name, that's reserved for family and dignitaries. He usually just goes by Ackbar.
measles (anonymous) says…
Scenario: Obama is elected and it turns out he really is the messiah.Good: One thousand years of peace and prosperity reign on earth.Bad: I'm going to hell.