September 9, 2005
Review by Emily LawtonI wanted to hate them. I really, really did. If you're unfortunate enough to have seen the hard-rocking commercials promoting these thin poultry strips, you know why. If you haven't seen them, well, they feature a chicken-masked hardcore band called Coq Roq. Need I say more? And yes, they do have a [website.][1]I'm a brave soul, so I ventured to my neighborhood B.K. over my lunch hour. They were advertising the Chicken Fries in multiple places near the menu large cardboard stand-ups to the right and left suggested they'd go well with a Coke, or raved about dippability, but apparently this store, at least, was in such a rush to out-innovate its competitors with the latest chicken technology that they couldn't expend the resources to update their menu boards. Would they be $2? $6? A mystery. As I neared the front of the line, a sign on the counter (Spanish only) advertised the Snack Size (tamaño del bocado)-- six for $1.87, or $4.99 for the nine-piece meal (including fries and drink of medium size). I elected to order the six piece, with fries. As to drinks, I'd thieved an 8oz bottle of Poland Spring from the office and was carrying it in my bag. When I placed my order, I said "six piece chicken fries, and medium: fries." This seemed redundant, so I leaned in and said, "you know, potatofries." She just nodded, expressionless, and punched my order into her specialty keyboard. 
Chicken fries, according to [bk.com][2], are available with a choice of Barbecue, Honey Mustard, Sweet & Sour, Ranch, or new Creamy Buffalo dipping sauces. I was excited about the Ranch option. It's uncommonly offered as a "sauce," despite being one of my favorite thing to dip food (tater tots, pizza crusts, buffalo wings, bread sticks) in at home. The girl at the counter (perhaps nonplussed by my crack about the potato fries), said "we don't have ranch." Not strictly true, of course; they have a ranch salad dressing. I could've pressed her on it, but opted for the Creamy Buffalo sauce instead. Initial thoughts: Why does everything have to be so dippable? Have we not forced chicken to mold to our whims long enough? Was the Chicken Tender, also available at Burger King, not sufficient? Chicken Fries are smaller than they appear in commercials. It's unfortunate for them that "chicken fingers" is already a name for something, because these were almost the precise size of my middle finger. Meanwhile a chicken finger is so large that if you saw a person with fingers that size they would almost certainly be suffering from gigantism. I can imagine the marketing meetings, with the word "finger" coming up again and again ("finger dippers? Spicy fingers?") until finally the head of the department slams his notebook on the table and shouts "goddamn it! they can't be called fingers!"
The chicken inside was uniformly white and had a texture that seemed not so far from the breast meat the advertisements claim. The outside is good, and significantly more crunchy than most breaded chicken products (I'm looking at you, McNuggets).And, what's this? They're actually spiced with something! This is what you'd expect from a Popeye's, or from something with "spicy" in the name (such as Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich). But here, without gloating about their flavor, Chicken Fries step away from the Universal Blandness and they act like it's nothing special.Don't get me wrong. We're not talking about the hotness of even a mild salsa. It's just spice, a taste other than "breaded," "chicken," and "fried." In other words, just spicy enough that former four-foot, eleven-inch octogenarian Wendy's spokeswoman Clara "where's the beef?" Peller might think them too spicy. Despite her savvy attitude vis-Ã -vis burger joint advertising, I venture to say that the "Coq Roq" campaign would've provoked in her either spontaneous vomiting or erotic rapture, had she not died of natural causes in 1986.And the buffalo sauce Burger King has introduced to accompany these is great. It's tangy, cayenne-tinged. Purists note: while delicious, it only vaguely reminiscent of the ultra-hot wings for which it's named. Among the ingredients listed are cayenne, paprika, chipotle peppers, garlic powder, onion powder, and, ominously, "spices."The worst thing about these things is the advertising. Is it so much to ask that I not be assaulted with images of tattooed rockers dressed in chicken masks? (Maybe I'm getting old). It's beyond me why anyone (particularly people_ whose job it is _to come up with such ideas) would think that that was a good image to use to promote food. They're slightly terrifying.
Let's move on to the packaging. The box holds either six or nine Chicken Fries. The consumer flips the top open and there's a little expandable holder for the sauce to sit in. An explanatory note inside the box explains that someone requested a container that would fit in a cup-holder. "A container that screams portability," says bk.com. However, the box is too portable (if by portable you mean drivable, which Burger King apparently does). If you try to use it anywhere except a cup-holder, putting the sauce in its allotted slot will only make it disastrously unsteady. So what if:
- you're a consumer who happens to enjoy Burger King's safe, family-friendly atmosphere? You're forced to set your sauce on the table like a caveman.
- you do not drive a car
a.) perhaps for those of us in metropolitan areas who use public transportation, Burger King could design an urban Chicken Fries holder that would hook over the poles on subways.
b.) for the perambulatory among us, a velcro arm- or leg-band with cup-holder sized frame. - is this a slippery-slope of cup-holder based packaging?
a.) To wit: aren't french (potato) fries just crying out for a round, pop-top container with ketchup-holding lid? So, you're a single person and you want a meal to eat in your car. Fine, but you'll need minimum three cup-holders to contain your entree, side (fries, onion rings, or: McDonalds has already invented a cup-holder friendly salad container), and drink. This will obviously affect car design, as currently the average sedan comes with only two (2) cup-holders. As brilliant designers continue to orient our food more and more cylindrically, we'll need a minimum of four cup-holders per passenger (what if you want dessert?).
b.) Food needs to fit in these containers, so while something like Taco Bell Taquitos-To-Go would be obvious, other foods would be more challenging. Imagine, twenty years from now, when they introduce a cheeseburger in fry form: a thin sliver of beef encircled in a sesame-coated enriched bun, nestled in cheese, ketchup, and onion lined petals as the meat reaches skyward like the stamen of a delicious orchid.
Apart from being an [L.com][3] blog, [Johnny America][4] is a Lawrence-based print zine of fiction, humor, and other miscellany.
lawrence.comrade
Comments
lawrence.com does not necessarily agree with comments posted below - responsibility lies with the relevant user alone. Read our full policy.
OtherJoel (anonymous) says...
"Imagine, twenty years from now, when they introduce a cheeseburger in fry form: a thin sliver of beef encircled in a sesame-coated enriched bun, nestled in cheese, ketchup, and onion lined petals as the meat reaches skyward like the stamen of a delicious orchid."
I didn't think you were going to say orchid. I'm so juvenile. Coq Roq reminds me of the little joke Joel Mathis and I shared on these here blogs regarding the local band Big Metal Rooster. The 7th grade humor was in full force with that one.
Actually a burger-fry sounds kind of good -- is that weird?
September 9, 2005 at 5:03 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
jay_holley (Jay Holley) says...
THIS is weird: http://www.subservientchicken.com
And wonderful.
September 9, 2005 at 5:22 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
quinn (Patrick Quinn) says...
I typed in "sit," and the chicken sat.
I typed in "play dead," and the chicken stood up and mimed playing the trombone (I think).
I typed in "explode," and the chicken did nothing.
I'm going back to try "a mime in a windstorm."
September 9, 2005 at 7:07 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
punkrockmom (anonymous) says...
I like to type "naughty" things like urinate and deficate and fornicate. Anyway, I like the chicken fries commercials.
September 9, 2005 at 8:52 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
OtherJoel (anonymous) says...
I told it to "fry". Nothing. Then I told it to dance. Still nothing. Then I gave up because it was starting to creep me out, staring at me like that.
September 9, 2005 at 10:20 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
Ah, shit, you gotta type in "fly". I think I gave him a seizure. . .
September 10, 2005 at 2:17 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says...
Jaysus! OtherJoel--that thing is beyond creepy!!! This is going to haunt me the rest of my friggin' life....
Then again, I'm terrified of the munchkins in the Wizard of Oz...it don't take much to creep my pathetic butt out...
September 10, 2005 at 7:39 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
BobDarkAvenger (anonymous) says...
I hate those commercials, but they don't quite reach the annoyance level of Pay Less Furniture commercials.
September 10, 2005 at 10:53 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says...
Rob gillaspie will be able to sue them if they horn in on his"burgeritto" idea. And I really want one of those chicken masks.
September 10, 2005 at 11:23 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says...
I refuse to purchase anything from Pay Less Furniture....EVEEEEER. Don't matter how poor I am...those commercials turn people off. And they should have to pay...dearly.
September 10, 2005 at 1:16 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Fragmental (Chris Baker) says...
CURSES, a cheese burger "finger" was suggested. Now they know of and are surely developing it as we speak. You will bring doom apon us all!
Hehe, I'll have to give them a try. The commercial made me say "I'll never try it" but For $1.87 for 6, thats not too bad for a quick snack before class...
September 10, 2005 at 7:42 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
On the subject of new fast food product reviews: DQ's Chili Lime chicken fingers suck big smelly donkey cock. Seriously. The flavor powder is caked on so excessively that even my salt-and-MSG-craving hormonal ass couldn't finish a single one, and I used to nearly have orgasms at the thrill of finding an undisolved cake of evil orange powder at the bottom of a Dorito's bag. I'm waiting for them to start marketing the Meat Flavored Salt Lick as their latest offering in this line of artificially-flavored craptasticness. Bleeeeach.
September 11, 2005 at 6:28 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says...
Oh Misty, you have a way with words...I can only dream of a phrase like "suck big smelly donkey cock" popping into my head.
That shit has actually tempted me...but I will heed your advice...
September 12, 2005 at 11:27 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ichikuo (Hanluen Kuo) says...
These things are the biggest rip off in fast food history.
Fact.
September 12, 2005 at 12:28 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
obuchanan (anonymous) says...
Beatle, upon reading your post, it isn't immediately obvious which has tempted you, the chicken fries or the donkey...
I'm gonna make an assumption that it's the former. ;)
September 13, 2005 at 4:06 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says...
Shit! Ok, I can see how that is confusing.
It's the DQ chili lime chicken that has tempted me.
Damn, this is how rumors get started...
September 13, 2005 at 9:23 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Dani (anonymous) says...
LOL! I told the chicken to eat a Big Mac and he got right up to the camera and flipped me off!
September 14, 2005 at 1:18 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
assex666ofevil (anonymous) says...
Are the chicken fries made of that unidentified type of chicken meat?
Like Dominoes Chicken thing.... (Chicken tits)?
Kinda scary.
December 5, 2005 at 3:34 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )