High infidelity
Q: Three weeks ago I discovered that my husband was having a string of affairs. I found pictures and I found a second cell phone in his car, with more than 30 names of women in it. I called the most recent number dialed-she told me they had had sex twice, but that he loved me and that they only saw each other for sex. I confronted him and he has promised to change, and there have been some mild changes in his attitude towards me. My question is: How can I get over the pain?A: I am afraid this is one of those situations in which Ann Landers used to ask this question: "Would you be better with him or without him?" Not only did your husband betray his relationship with you by having likely multiple sexual encounters with other women (and potentially expose you to the danger of sexually transmitted infection), but he has been conniving in his behavior. The second cell phone would indicate that this has been going for a longer period than you might suspect. Your question was how you get over the pain. I am not so sure one ever "gets over the pain," but for starters you need to recognize that the infidelity is your husband's problem. I am not saying that you are not involved, but rather that the decision to betray the marriage with sexual affairs belongs to your husband. Your pain would be relieved if he admitted that and recognized that he needs some form of psychological counseling (maybe sex therapy would be best) to address his lack of commitment to his marriage and family, and what internal needs are driving him to satisfy his sexual desires outside of his marriage with multiple partners over and extended period of time. It would not be at all surprising to find out that he has a very fragile sexual self-esteem and needs these kinds of interactions to make him feel some sort of masculine well being. If he has never come close to admitting he has a personal problem and needs help, that will make your pain more intense because you then have to add his lack of responsibility to his unfaithfulness. Also it is made more painful because you have no clear idea what his issues are and what needs to get him the help he needs. Under these conditions the pain is not likely to "go away" on its own, and the trust will always have some compromise involved. I would think your best shot would be for the two of you to seek counseling to assess what these issues are for your husband, what your issues might be, and why this relationship has become so troubled. This will require equal investment on both of your parts. Any reluctance on his part reduces your odds of a positive outcome rather dramatically. If he is unwilling to be an active participant in some form of healing process, let me suggest that you seek some counseling that would assist you in understanding the situation you are in and guide you in your decision process. Seldom do these kinds of issues spontaneously resolve themselves, in part, because your husband's problems likely have a long history in his life. To stay in this relationship as it is will result in more of the same. What you see is what you get!! You deserve better I would think.
Date Rape
Q: I'm a 26-year-old woman and up until recently I've been denying to myself that my first two sexual experiences were very traumatic. The first time I had sex I was date raped, which I completely ignored until a year ago. The second time I was having sex with a friend who video taped us one night and shared it with his friends. I've began realize the impact of these two experiences on my relationships i.e. trust/commitment issues. I need to deal with it but I'm not sure where to start-can you help me? Thanks for your time. A: Let me begin by noting an important context for your question. Because so much sexual misuse (rape, child molestation, intra-familial sexual abuse, exhibitionism, voyeurism, etc.) is secret and unspoken, it is difficult to know for certain just how many women and men live with that as a part of their life journey. When I put together what we know from research, clinical observations, law enforcement reports, etc., the working numbers I use in my practice are: 35%, plus or minus 5% for women and 20%, plus or minus 5% for men. These numbers do not include sexual harassment because when harassment is included the numbers for women likely jump to 80% plus. This is not to minimize sexual harassment at all, as that can be a most frightening experience also. Suffice it to say you are clearly not alone in your experience of sexual misuse and further more it is not at all unusual that especially women can tell stories of multiple experiences of coercive sexual interactions. And because of the secret nature of so much abuse many loving partners of survivors of abuse have no idea that it is a part of their partner's life experience. The two experiences you describe are both examples of sexual misuse and illustrate a couple of central notions. The first experience of date rape illustrate how easy it was for you to "ignore" the experience and that is why I noted that so much sexual misuse is kept secret, both from others and from ourselves. Self-blame (frequently fostered in our society), confusion, ambivalence, etc. push survivors into denial and further confusion. I am just glad that you are able to name your first experience as date rape, as I suspect that is exactly what happened. When I taught sexuality classes I was always blown away by the number of women who finally named a past experience as date rape during our class session on sexual misuse. Now to the business about how this has impacted your relationships in terms of "trust/commitment issues." First, I think it is important to understand that these two experiences alone probably do not account for all of your struggles with trust and commitment. To scapegoat these two scary events as totally the problem will not allow you to examine other significant issues and will make the experiences themselves overly powerful. For example, your attitudes and knowledge about sexuality, your family and religious backgrounds, your internalization of the many sex negative messages about women in our society, your own self concept and self esteem, etc. all are likely to be important matters to understand. In other words, working this through will not be simply a matter of coming to some resolution of the coercive sexual experiences, while at the same time recognizing the painful consequence of such experiences. I suspect that when you talk about being able to trust or being able to make a commitment, you are talking about "trusting others" or "making a commitment to others." The problem is that if you wait around until you have some absolute evidence of someone's trustworthiness, or proof that if you commit to someone in a relationship they will never leave, you would never get into a relationship at all, or if you do, you would live with a constant sense of overwhelming anxiety. It is really not about whether others are trustworthy or whether you can count on not being abandoned. The real questions are: Do you have enough trust in YOURSELF to survive experiences of mistrustful others and are you differentiated and autonomous enough to survive should someone you love and care for reject or abandon you. So the work you probably need to do is directed at your own personal journey towards autonomy, which would allow you to survive (although sad and scared) mistrust and betrayal experiences. It would be pretty hard to escape them in life. Being in relationship is ultimately an unusual act of faith, a leap into the unknown, a basic risk of self. It is our personal autonomy that allows us to tolerate the faithful and risky business inherent in relationships. To say I am not going to be in relationship until I am sure I run no risks of coercion and no possibility of betrayal is to decide to be alone. You will likely prevent being hurt doing so, but you also won't get any of the goodies that come from being in relationships. If all of this seems to be too much to do alone, I would urge you to reach out to someone who has had experience with sexual misuse, who can guide you in your journey.
Matriphony
_Dr. Dailey, Both my husband and I were students in your Human Sexuality class at KU. I've been desperately trying to come to terms with a secret I recently learned about my husband and was thrilled to discover that you sometimes answer questions about relationships on lawrence.com. My situation is two-fold... First of all, I discovered that my husband was looking at pornographic images of other men online. My initial reaction was disgust, and I felt cheated. Then feelings of inadequacy settled in-I feel like he wants something that I clearly cannot give him. He's told me he's always had these feelings of attraction toward men but that he's never acted on them. I then found out he had a separate account online where chatted with local men, but he tells me he never met any in person. Then I discovered that he had several of their phone numbers programmed into his phone. When I confronted him, he ceased all communication with these men-he assures me that he isn't cheating, has no intentions of leaving, and has no doubt that I'm the only one for him. The second part of the situation is that my husband is turned on by provocative photos of himself (and has several photos of himself which he uses for self-gratification). I've been trying to think back to your class, but I don't remember learning about sexual narcissism. I'm bothered by both facets of his behavior. My physical, mental and emotional reaction to all of this has been really hard on me and on our marriage. I find myself being visibly ill. I can't tell if this is an innocent curiosity or if he's hiding the fact that he's bisexual or homosexual. I would greatly appreciate any insight you could provide._A: There are several layers in your question, so I want to sort them out and deal with them one at a time. First, your feelings in inadequacy. Your husband's attraction to male erotica and his other activities are not a reflection on you, but a reflection on him. His apparent disinterest in you sexually has nothing to do with your adequacy as a woman, your adequacy as a sexual partner, or your adequacy as a mate in a committed relationship. So, I hope first of all that you get this so that you do not get inappropriately wrapped into you husband's sexual struggles. Now, to the issue of his sexual orientation and it's consequences in your relationship. You need to know that you are not alone in this business. I hear this story with some regularity in my clinical practice. Understand that I may not have complete data, but what you describe is someone who is at minimum is highly conflicted about his sexual orientation. My guess is that conflict arises because your husband's internalized homophobia (negative, fearful and angry feelings about homosexuality) comes into conflict with the reality of his sexual orientation. The fact that he has always had attraction towards men, the fact that he is drawn primarily or exclusively to male erotica, the fact that he acts on these realities in chats with men or phone conversations with men all suggest that your husband is homoerotically oriented or maybe bisexual with a strong focus on the homoerotic side of his sexual orientation. If you place your husband's turn-on to erotic images of himself in this context, it is not that big of an issue-in fact, it represents a relatively safe outlet for his sexual desires. "Sexual narcissism" is likely too strong a term in this situation. The other issue of importance is how much energy your husband puts into deceit and covering up his sexually driven activities. Your feeling somewhat betrayed by these discoveries is clearly appropriate. His deceit and surreptitious activities also indicate the intensity of what I suspect is his internalized homophobia. Your husband probably struggles with being honest with himself about his sexual reality as much as he struggles to be honest and open with you about what is going on for him. Whether conflicted about his sexual orientation or wholly in denial about it, the consequence in detracting from the emotional intimacy in your relationship is the same-both of you probably walk on egg shells all the time with each other. A final thought. I do not think what is happening here is an "innocent curiosity." It is also clear that he is hiding something from you and probably from himself. I don't question at all your love for him or his love for you. Whether you both can sustain a meaningful, long-term (40 or 50 years) relationship may be another matter-that is, a relationship in which there may never be a strong (or even minimal) sexual bond, or where your husband battles his internal conflicts continuously, or where you increasingly question your own adequacy as a sexual partner. It goes without saying that it is probably time for you two to seek the advice and counsel of someone trained in sex therapy who can help you both sort out the several issues at hand. I doubt that your situation will somehow spontaneously resolve itself and the longer, the struggle the more painful the process is likely to become.
Only fools rush in
Q: _ My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now and we haven't had sex, but we've recently started talking about it. We already have a very sexual relationship and our communication and closeness grows with time. We are deeply committed to each other and are planning to marry in a year or so after graduation. Could you give us some guidance?_A: As you are surely discovering, this decision is very much a matter of individuals and couples coming to some mutual agreement, and if taken seriously, this is not always as easy decision to make. What is even more troubling to me is that so many people/couples give this decision little or no attention; they just do it, and then think about it later. I do not think there is a single conclusion that is the best or "correct" one for all couples in your circumstance, although there are some who would say that is the case. I am sure you are already familiar with the "abstinence only" position, which holds that sexual intercourse and most other sexual expressions are to be expressed only in the context of marriage. That would be an acceptable position for some couples, but not all by any means. Some folks will elect not to marry ever, and, of course, gays and lesbians are mostly excluded from marriage, and for some people the "marital sex" injunction just does not have meaning for them. One of the first issues that need to be assessed is the one about value fit. In other words, would the inclusion of sexual intercourse be consistent with the values you hold as individuals and as a couple? If, for example, your decision would bring either of you into conflict with your religious or spiritual values, then I would urge you to wait. The guilt would just get in the way of the pleasure. If religious/spiritual values are not in conflict or simply not that relevant for you both, then including sexual intercourse is not likely to be troublesome. Another values area that might need to be examined is one regarding human interactions in general. Sexual interactions that are burdened by shame, or guilt, or are in any way coerced are usually not worth the effort. Given the positive nature of your present level of sexual experience with each other, I would suspect that these issues are not going to arise for you and your partner. Including sexual intercourse is your relationship is likely to be most positive and pleasurable if you are NOT trying to prove your love for another person, increase your self-esteem, prove that you are mature, show that you can attract or be attractive to a sexual partner, get attention, affection or love, or rebel against parents, society, etc. Likewise, including sexual intercourse in a relationship in order to improve it or in a relationship that is "growing cold" almost always ends in a negative outcome. That is not what sex is all about in healthy relationships. Also, if you can discuss and agree on effective methods of contraception, including how you might handle a situation in which contraception might fail, then you are more prepared to include sexual intercourse in your relationship. Finally, one last thing. Including sexual intercourse in a relationship will almost always go better if you have realistic expectations for the experience. For example, if in all of the sexual interactions you presently have, one or the other of you struggles in the achievement of orgasm, and expect that sexual intercourse will solve that problem, your expectations are decidedly unrealistic. Given that only 25% to 30 % of women have orgasms during sexual intercourse with any reliability at all, disappointment is the likely outcome of the unrealistic expectation. That is a serious burden for sexual intercourse and almost always heightens performance anxiety for men, which is also harmful to pleasure. What I have described may sound like a high standard, but I think it is probably minimal for a caring couple that wants their sexual interactions to be a positive, pleasurable and meaningful part of their loving relationship. Being able to explore these concerns can go a long way towards helping you make your decision. Of course, for people who don't care about each other and are just users, none of this is relevant. You are clearly treating this decision with thoughtfulness and I really respect that approach. It is likely that such thoughtfulness and openness will make your decision a sound one and one you both can live with comfortably and confidently. I am sure you will get advice from many sources, both solicited and not, but the bottom line is your need to get to a place that represents your hopes and expectations for your relationship. I wish you the best.
Getting out
Q: Dear Dailey, I met a man 3 years ago and we've been together on and off since but still going today. In three years, he's cheated on me twice. The first time, he promised and cried not to ever do it again and as a soft-hearted, forgiving woman, I took him back-but he still seems to be really attached to her. We argue and fight about it constantly and he just keeps denying it but I'm sure it's not my imagination or my excessive jealousy. On top of all this, every time we fight he beats me up badly and I'm still with him and coping with his bad moods, tantrums, hoping eventually he'll wake up and realize what he's doing. I need help to think straight to be able to get out of this relationship. I'm losing myself and I need HELP-bibiA: First, if you did not read my last blog about jealousy, you probably should. Now, to your issues. Let me get this straight. You are with a man who betrays you with some regularity by having an ongoing sexual/emotional affair. He is also verbally and physically abusive to you, and generally treats you like shit. If I have this correct, you need to first of all figure out why you are in this relationship that is so destructive to you before you could have any possibility or hope of getting out (the latter I believe being your ONLY option). If you say you are staying because you love him, as so many people in your situation are want to do, my response is "fine," but what about your love for yourself? And what of his lack of love for you? Men who love their partners do not behave as he does-users do, lovers don't. Your love is clearly not being returned in kind, and your love is nowhere near powerful enough to cause him to "wake up and realize what he's doing." Unfortunately, he knows exactly what he is doing and his regard for you is so low that he lives his life as if you did not exist or have any importance to him. So, love will not be the solution-not by a long shot. Love and a nickel will buy you a donut at best. The keys to understanding this hurtful trap you're in are: > ¢ knowing that you are in this relationship because of your own emotional neediness and dependency,
¢ your fear that maybe no one else would want to be in relationship with you, ¢ your low self-esteem, which is getting in the way of your valuing yourself, and ¢ your inability to see yourself as a separate human being apart from relationships you are in, good or bad. These are the kinds of human struggles that keep people in relationships that are as empty and destructive as the one you are now caught in. If you want to escape the emotional and physical danger that I believe you are in I would urge you to be in contact with the Women's Transitional Care program, which is designed to assist women who are trapped in abusive, destructive relationships. I believe your first concern should be for your personal well-being. Once you are safe you can move towards a counseling experience that will assist you in understanding how you got trapped in this hurtful relationship and how you can tap the strengths that you have that will keep you out of such hurtful relationships. The strengths I am talking about are the strengths that allowed you to write your question in the first place. Waiting for your boyfriend to "wake up" is futile, I would guess. Users seldom "wake up." Waiting for love to solve this problem or waiting for him to change will get you nowhere. Acting on your own behalf is your only way out.
Jealousy and fear
_Dear Dr., I have been living with a very attractive and spiritual, intellectually stimulating man for about 4 years, though on the downside he's immature, depressed at times, dishonest verbally on a level I have never before encountered in an adult in my relationship history. He is a sexual pervert, which I find repugnant but have decided I must accept if I am going to be with him. I therefore do not trust him, and find myself always wanting to "bust" him, to justify my feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Though not really wanting to think he is lying to me. I need to get over this possessiveness and obsessive jealousy. Is it possible? Should I just fugget-about-it? Though I am intelligent, I think I have been acting like a stupid, horny, doormat. Your advice? -Karen_A: Can you get over this "obsessive jealousy"? Yes. Should you just "fugget about" the relationship you are in? Probably. It is your jealousy that holds you in this relationship, but understanding and getting beyond your jealousy will likely not make any contribution to this relationship becoming healthy and rewarding. Maybe if you understand what jealousy is all about you would be in a position to make a decision that would be positive and healthy for you. So let me talk about jealousy as I understand it and deal with it in my work with couples. First of all, although jealousy is very emotional, it is not a discrete, single, separate emotion. You won't find it on the list of emotions in the psychology textbooks. Jealousy is a reaction and the result of the interaction between two very common emotions-fear and anger (emotions that are on everybody's list). The jealous reactions can range all the way from suspiciousness and controlling behavior to verbal abuse to physical abuse and worse. These reactions are the result of fear, which leads to anger. The fear involved is almost always the fear of losing someone and being replaced. I would guess that your fear is that the man you are involved with will find someone else, leaving you alone with no one to give meaning to your life. Now, we are left with trying to understand what gives rise to the fear that is at the core of jealousy. The three factors that give rise to the fear are: possessiveness, dependency and low self-esteem. If one is emotionally, economically, physically dependent on another person, one might very well live in constant fear of loosing them and being replaced. And in many instances a partner will foster that dependency to hold another person in the relationship. If someone gets into a relationship in which they feel that they own the person they are with, the prospect of losing that person will definitely generate fear. If one has low self-esteem and thinks poorly or inaccurately about themselves they will pretty continuously feel fear that the person they are with is continuously looking for someone better to replace them. If one does not like oneself, then one always wonders at some level if someone else can really like them. For example, every time he looks at another woman, the fear is triggered. Every time she pays just a little attention to another man, she risks loosing him. So, one does not "get over" jealousy. What one does is work on one or more of the issues that precipitate the fear, which triggers the angry reactions that we call jealousy. As a general rule beginning with those issues related to low self-esteem is usually a safe place to start. What I have seen over and over is that when someone does the work to overcome those issues that make us vulnerable to that constant fear of losing someone and being replaced, they find it much easier to extract themselves from what are obviously destructive, unhealthy relationships. Staying with someone who is "immature," "depressed," "verbally dishonest," would seem ludicrous and not worth the emotional investment if viewed without the baggage possessiveness, dependency and low self-esteem. Not doing the work will usually leave one trapped in a relationship and open to the continuous experience of pain and sadness. P.S. Another reader of this blog (and a former student), asked about counseling resources when someone has little or no resource. In Lawrence, you could contact the Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center or the Psychological Clinic at the University. And, of course, KU students can use the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) at Watkins Health Center. Similar resources are often available in other communities.
Cheating, cheater
Q: Dr. Dailey- I am curious to hear your opinion on cheating. My partner and I are intrigued by cheating and as rational human beings were trying to understand what prompts it. We pretty much agree that it has a lot to do with insecurity and/or a need to challenge social constructs and/or to engage in deviant behaviors. What's your explanation for this behavior? -HeatherA: In my role as a sex therapist, I have, of course, encountered cheating, unfaithfulness, infidelity, etc. with some regularity. I see the aftermath of cheating and its consequence in relationships. But my practice is probably a biased sample, as cheating happens much less than is commonly thought to be the case. About a quarter of folks in relationships, whether married or not, are involved in cheating, with men having a slightly higher incidence than women, in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. One thing is clear and that is that cheating in a very complex issue, with many motivations and varied outcomes. Some unfaithfulness could be best described as accidental (too much to drink, the rush of the moment, etc.) and usually only happens once. This kind of cheating probably represents a good example of situational poor judgment. There is seldom much emotional attachment and it is mostly about sexual pleasure. Sometimes it is about seeking variety. In another variation on cheating, people "fall in love" with someone outside of their committed relationship. For women these extra-relationship activities are usually about meeting emotional needs, with sex as a secondary (yet pleasurable) feature. For men, the opposite is often the case. But in both of these, the combination of emotional attachment and sexual pleasure are intense motivations and often threaten the primary relationship. For those being cheated upon, most people are more upset about emotional unfaithfulness than sexual unfaithfulness. Obviously loving someone else and having sex with someone else are experienced as two different things. Another variation is people who have made very tenuous commitments to their relationship, or who have very liberal attitudes about extra-relationship sex, or who lack some level of moral centeredness, or who have psychological problems manifested as absence of guilt. Sometimes these folks are called philanderers, and interestingly, sexual gratification is often not their primary motivation, but sexual affirmation drives much of their behavior. The man proving his masculinity, or the woman seeking affirmation of her femininity fall in this category, along with those who use sexual interactions as tools to shore up very low levels of self-esteem. Finally, there is a variety of extra-relationship sexual affairs that are consensual, open, and a dynamic aspect of a couple's relationship. More people probably daydream about this than actually engage in "swinging." It also takes a fairly mature and differentiated couple to successfully engage in swinging or open marriage over long periods of time. The majority of attempts at integrating swinging into committed relationships are relatively short-lived and not particularly successful; but some are. So, what is my take on cheating? Because it is usually engaged in secretly, partners consistently feel betrayed on many levels, and as a consequence cheating usually has an initial destructive impact on relationship. It is the issue of betrayal that is at the core of the hurt and resolving the issue of betrayal is central to any healing possibilities. For some this betrayal is so profound that relationships simply fail to survive and end. Other couples elect to try to "work it out." The first task is to accept that betrayal has occurred, whether intended or not, and the next task is to get real clear about the motivation for the extra-relationship activities. There is a difference between affairs that might have been accidental poor judgment and those that are serial activities in a relationship. I am still somewhat surprised at how many couples are able to put their relationships back together and yet it is usually pretty obvious why a given couple cannot achieve that end. Clearly, individual personality dynamics come into play in terms of how someone is able to cope with the experience of betrayal. At the heart of the issue is the notion of commitment. Commitment is that somewhat irrational act of aligning with another person for a lifetime (as in 40 or 50 years). Commitment to that alignment with another is likely what accounts for that majority of folk who do not get involved in extra-relationship activities that would constitute betrayal of other. Often people who are involved in affairs do not want to end their relationships, which is probably witness to the fact that some level of underlying commitment is still present. Commitment does not emerge automatically because a couple decides to be together, which is part of the reason that relationships are tricky business.
Tides of desire
Hello Dr. Dailey - I have had a sudden change in my sexual appetite over the last few months. My husband and I had always had a great sex life, until about 5 years ago when my mother (age 55) with diagnosed with a brain tumor and was given about a year to live. Needless to say, my sexual appetite disappeared. A few years later my father was diagnosed with the same type of brain tumor and was given 5 months to live. I was very depressed and, of course, still had no sexual appetite. My husband travels a great deal for business, so the lack of desire for sex didn't seem to matter. Just before my birthday this year I started to feel VERY good. I was no longer depressed - I felt almost too good. I couldn't seem to control the intensity of my desire - I wanted to have sex many times a day. My husband has been home more and I can't seem to get enough, though he is not able to keep up with me. My mind is seriously preoccupied with sex. My fantasies have changed to reflect a little violence and choking. That's new. My questions for you are, could this be a form of the anger a person could feel while in grief? Or could this be a hormonal imbalance or even a symptom of another medical condition?A: As you have discovered, sexual desire can be a complex, sometimes unpredictable, capricious and delicious part of our human sexual experience. Your loss of desire over the past several years is relatively easy to understand. Loss and grief and the often accompanying depression are notorious for having a negative impact on desire. The frequent travel of your husband and his frequent absence probably made your loss of desire less problematic relationally, since there was probably less opportunity for conflict that might arise from your loss of appetite and his continuing sexual interest in you. It sounds like the resolving grief process resulted in a lifting of the depressive cloud you had been under for so long. With that lowered depression came an opportunity for you to claim your natural desire for sexual experience and sexual interaction. With your husband's being home more the opportunity for sexual expression was much more easily acted upon. I strongly doubt whether your desire has much to do with anger and grief. It strikes me that although you had two fairly significant losses, that your grief response and process was quite normal, including a period of depression. That's not uncommon at all and loss of desire is a frequent consequence. If you continue to have a concern here, you might seek a consultation with a loss and grief specialist. Your guess about hormonal imbalance could be a possibility, but I rather doubt it. Your concern here can be relatively easily resolved by seeking a medical consultation to check to see where you are at hormonally and also check out any other physiological issues that might be operating. Nothing in the description of your experience would lead me to suspect the above causes. A third possibility is that you have just returned to the desire level that is normal for you. Sexual desire is usually not a fixed constant, but something that varies over time, usually within a fairly predictable range. I would guess that you have always varied in desire at a relatively high level and that right now you are at the high end of that variable range. Resolving your loss/grief journey, coming out of your depressive cloud, and having a more available sexual partner may feel like you just can't get enough. My guess is that as a bit of time passes you will feel more of the natural variation that is typical of your sexual desire (yet maybe always on the relatively higher end of this spectrum), and it will start to level off a bit so that it does not feel as if you can't "control the intensity." If after six to twelve months this does not happen then you may want to seek consultation with a sex therapist to review your situation. Absent any gross physiological issues, my comment is: "Welcome back to the sexual world you left" in the face of so much loss, grief and depression.
Moving too fast
Q: What constitutes moving a relationship "too fast"? _ I'm involved with someone that seems to be compatible with me. This compatibility has a good range, and I feel like we have a fairly open line of communication. We respect each other. I feel like we want the same things in life. I feel like I could share a future with this person, possibly even committing to something like marriage. We have decided that after a month of knowing each other that living together would be a practical decision that would also bring us closer. We have shared this information with our mutual friends, and some, to our dismay disapprove of our step towards co-habitation. So what is moving too fast? When both members of a relationship find themselves to be relatively mature and emotionally intelligent, should their friends still be worried? _A: Let's talk about your friends' reactions first. Their "disapproval" is, I am sure, their desire that you not be hurt by jumping into co-habitation too quickly. Their hearts are in the right place, and they have probably heard lots of stories about people getting hurt by relationships ending as a result of "moving too fast." It happens a lot. Now to the more critical questions. "Moving too fast" is a relative term. We've all heard of couples who get married after knowing each other a few days or weeks, and have long, successful marriages. But we also know many that "get too serious" too quickly and fail. It takes a significant amount of time to let another person know who we are and have that person reciprocate. Aside from the practical aspects of your moving in with your significant other, there is little question that co-habitation allows people to get to know each other, warts and all. But you should know that co-habitation may not "bring you closer together," in fact it's more likely to push you apart (witness the 50+percent divorce rate among those married after living together). Lots of really needy people (need to be affirmed, chosen, wanted, etc.) do "fall in love" too quickly and have numerous stories to tell of how their "hearts were broken." If you are in fact "relatively mature and emotionally intelligent," odds are you'd be less likely to move in together after just a month of experiencing each other. On the other hand, maybe this is something you need to try out - but you need to be prepared for many outcome possibilities. Here's what I would advise given my experience: 1) Wait six to nine months to move in with each other; 2) Concentrate on being with each other so that you can know and be known; 3) Time is on your side and time is a valuable commodity in relationship discovery and growth. Best wishes, Dennis
Sex, drugs and rocky family life
Q: _I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Though we're young - we are both 21 - I think we have a great relationship. When we started dating I did not know a lot about him just that he was really cute and nice and he gave me a feeling that I have never felt. We fell for each other very quickly and now we are very much in love. When we first started dating he had a few problems with drugs. He had stopped doing them to my knowledge, but one night I found out he was on drugs and I freaked out because he promised me that he would rather have me than the drugs. I was so upset and out pf anger and stupidity I cheated on him with my ex. You would think I regret that but neither of us does. It was very hard to deal with, knowing I broke his heart into a million little pieces but I was honest about my infidelity and he was willing to give me a second chance. It has been about 8 months since this has happened. Since then, I have been the picture-perfect girlfriend to him and to his family, but when it comes to his mother and sister, you'd never know it. I am not invited to family functions and when I am not there I am talked about. This past weekend his sister made a comment to another family member about how I don't wear enough clothes. The other thing that really gets me is that the mother is never outwardly a bitch to me especially in front of my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend and do not have much of a family of my own. I understand that I made a mistake and it was not a small one. But why is it so hard to just be honest with someone if you do not like them? I know that they will not change or admit they do not like me - but how should I act? Killing them with kindness is breaking me down and making me lose my self-esteem. Please help!!!!!! - Andrea_A: First of all, I hate to disappoint, but there are no perfect relationships, except in the romance novels from the grocery store. A part of being in relationships is being able to recognize the flaws and work on them as they arise. Nothing is more toxic than idealizing a relationship or one's partner. Now, about the drugs. What you need to know is that it is very likely that your boyfriend has a drug problem, and he needs to decide whether his is going to get treatment and stop, or continue as many users do, making promises to stop and disappointing those around them. What you need to know is that drugs will almost always win out, so his promise that he would rather be with you than be on drugs is not very trustworthy. And if he does not address his drug problem it is guaranteed that you will continue to be disappointed. What you see is most likely what you get!! Now, about the cheating. Clearly, you know that cheating to express your anger is very immature and creates more problems that it could ever solve. But you did it anyhow, which says something about where you are at and also indicates something about your readiness to be in anything remotely looking like a committed relationship. The fact that neither of you regret your "infidelity" is in itself regretful. Finally about the family. I'm not sure why your boyfriend's family reacts to you the way they do. It might allow them to minimize his drug problem (one of my first reactions is why are they not upset about that!). It could be that they are overly protective and think he might get hurt if he is in a relationship with you. It could also be that they are just a bunch of immature busybodies who need to be told to mind their own business. I'd guess all three are in the mix, but if forced to pick one, I'd pick the first. What do you do? I'd suggest a couple of things. First, I would suggest that your boyfriend tell his family that their behavior is unacceptable. If he can't do that and you stay with him, the rest of your life will be the same as it is right now. You should probably also minimize your contacts with them while they continue to be hurtful. Second, you and your boyfriend need to recognize that your relationship is not "perfect" and you are not "perfect" partners. I would suggest you take a six-month break (minimum) from each other so he could work on his drug problem and you could work on getting a much more realistic perspective on relationships and on yourself. If you are not willing to do that then you both need to be in relationship counseling. Otherwise, I fear your relationship's future is not very bright.
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