Lawrence.com

Posted by Dennis Dailey November 1, 2005 at 9:49 a.m.

Porn v. Erotica or 'I know it when I see it'

Dr. Dailey, I wanted to get your professional opinion on pornography. I am a male and have no real problem with it and enjoy it every once in a while. I have a female friend of mine that is extremely against pornography mainly because its portrayal of women and the act of watching other people have sex. This surprises me because she is a sexually active and open person. I wanted to see what your take on pornography is, can it be alright to enjoy alone or with your significant other? -anonymous please The business of pornography in our culture is filled with widely divergent views. Lots of folks on the religious right, who usually hold very conservative views of sexuality, call anything to do with public expressions of sexuality, pornography. They lobby for removing Rubens paintings in art museums or see fit to cover nude statuary symbolizing law and justice. And then there are those on the religious right who get caught using it, at which time the materials are universally viewed as pornographic ("the devil made me do it"). Feminists are divided. Some find most sexual images pornographic, while others distinguish between materials that are pornographic and materials that are simply sexually explicit. Many men and women hold relatively neutral attitudes about sexual materials and in varying ways enjoy those materials as a part of their sexual experience with each other. Here is how I deal with this issue. I start with the concept of sexually explicit materials. That is, pictures, films, tapes, novels, music, sexual aids, etc. that clearly attempt to call attention to the sexual dimension of human condition. Sexually explicit materials are neither intrinsically good nor bad, but simply articulate that part of human experience that relates to sexuality. It is clear that sexually explicit materials can be used for negative purpose or positive purpose. To capture these two rather broad categories, I use the concept of "pornographic materials" and "erotic materials." Most pornography is erotic in nature, but not all erotica is pornographic. Generally, I reserve the concept of pornography to refer to sexually explicit materials that degrade, oppress, objectify, sexualize or injure the woman or man portrayed, including children. I don't have a highly articulated set of criteria to use to categorize each, but in general I feel like I can sense the difference - I suspect that is the way it is for most of us. What I do know is that a lot of what gets called pornography in our society falls into my category of erotica. How given individuals feel about sexually explicit material, be it a center-fold from Playboy magazine or a romance novel from the grocery store, ultimately needs to be a matter of individual choice, and how they defend their feelings or attitudes can be very complex. People in relationships (friends or lovers), may very well hold what would seems to be polar opposite views, something like what may be going between the questioner and his friend. Like any other differences, they will need to find some way to negotiate so that each can hold on to their own individual preferences or stances and yet be sensitive to the feelings of the other person. So if the questioner occasionally (or regularly) enjoys erotic materials, so be it. I don't see a problem. He would simply need to be sensitive to his friend's feelings and work at not exposing her to his experience. She, on the other hand, can hold on to her feelings about sexually explicit materials, but would need to be careful not to expect everyone to agree with her, or judge others negatively, or make assumptions about what motivates a person to use sexually explicit materials. Many couples don't experience much difference in their attitudes about sexually explicit materials and incorporate erotica into their ongoing sexual experience with much positive consequence. Some friends and couples are able to negotiate these kinds of differences. And some relationships, including friendships, end over this issue. It really is a complex issue, filled with lots of rhetoric, myths, rigid perspectives, pleasure, erroneous assumptions, etc. Ultimately we are left with what is OK for us and what is not, and how we handle differences with others. In relationships, difference is inevitable.