August 29, 2006
Q: What constitutes moving a relationship "too fast"? _ I'm involved with someone that seems to be compatible with me. This compatibility has a good range, and I feel like we have a fairly open line of communication. We respect each other. I feel like we want the same things in life. I feel like I could share a future with this person, possibly even committing to something like marriage. We have decided that after a month of knowing each other that living together would be a practical decision that would also bring us closer. We have shared this information with our mutual friends, and some, to our dismay disapprove of our step towards co-habitation. So what is moving too fast? When both members of a relationship find themselves to be relatively mature and emotionally intelligent, should their friends still be worried? _A: Let's talk about your friends' reactions first. Their "disapproval" is, I am sure, their desire that you not be hurt by jumping into co-habitation too quickly. Their hearts are in the right place, and they have probably heard lots of stories about people getting hurt by relationships ending as a result of "moving too fast." It happens a lot. Now to the more critical questions. "Moving too fast" is a relative term. We've all heard of couples who get married after knowing each other a few days or weeks, and have long, successful marriages. But we also know many that "get too serious" too quickly and fail. It takes a significant amount of time to let another person know who we are and have that person reciprocate. Aside from the practical aspects of your moving in with your significant other, there is little question that co-habitation allows people to get to know each other, warts and all. But you should know that co-habitation may not "bring you closer together," in fact it's more likely to push you apart (witness the 50+percent divorce rate among those married after living together). Lots of really needy people (need to be affirmed, chosen, wanted, etc.) do "fall in love" too quickly and have numerous stories to tell of how their "hearts were broken." If you are in fact "relatively mature and emotionally intelligent," odds are you'd be less likely to move in together after just a month of experiencing each other. On the other hand, maybe this is something you need to try out - but you need to be prepared for many outcome possibilities. Here's what I would advise given my experience: 1) Wait six to nine months to move in with each other; 2) Concentrate on being with each other so that you can know and be known; 3) Time is on your side and time is a valuable commodity in relationship discovery and growth. Best wishes, Dennis
Comments
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katnip (Deb Townsend) says...
Wait, not because one or the both of you might get hurt, but because you are your most honest self months down the road and not in the initial flush or bloom of the relationship. My first husband, moved in together after 2 months, marriage lasted two years. I dated my current husband for a year before we moved in together and then we lived together for another year and a half before we got married. I can testify, he's seen the worst---experienced the worst I can be mentally, physically and emotionally. It takes a good long time to trust someone enough to show them those unsavory sides of you. It takes just as long for the partner to be able to understand those sides of you and take them for what they are and not as some sort of foreboding indicator of what lies ahead. Time and understanding build trust and you have to have trust to live together and to last.
August 30, 2006 at 12:44 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
I second (or 3rd?) the advice. The more ties you create early on can mean you are too busy planning ahead to notice warning signs in the present. If it's right, it will stay right. No need to rush forward into the "the next stage" - unless one of you is ill with a terminal disease! Enjoy each stage/moment as it comes.
Dr. D...what are the statistics on couples who live together first, regarding marriage/divorce? Is it still true that there's a higher divorce rate for those who lived together first? And if so, why do you think that might be?
August 30, 2006 at 8:51 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
I've had the opposite experience. I dated my first husband for a year and a half before we moved in together; we split five months later. Trey and I dated for about a month before we just sort of happened to move in together--it wasn't a conscious decision, neither of us saw any reason to not be sleeping in the same bed any more, was all. We've been married for 4 years now, and we'll be together 'till one of us dies. (Part of that may be because if one of us ever leaves for someone else, we're both perfectly prepared to hunt the other down like a rabid dog ;)
August 30, 2006 at 11:08 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
wbabbit (Will Babbit) says...
Wow...for once I actually agree with you Dr. Dailey...
August 30, 2006 at 5:42 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
greyhawk (anonymous) says...
The trebly endorsed advice is good. That doesn't necessarily make it any easier to take things at a deliberate pace, especially if emotions (not to mention hormones) are racing ahead. And if the sex is hot, few couples will take the time to discuss attitudes toward money, shared lifetime goals, and other issues that can, over the long term, help or hinder relationship bliss.
August 31, 2006 at 11:41 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
sammford (anonymous) says...
I moved in with my boyfriend after only one month and we've now been together for over four years and it's still a very strong relationship. You both have to be at a point in your life where you know what you want and you are honest with each other and yourself about it. If you keep open and honest, the little things that come up and destroy relationships are a lot easier to overcome. Plus, with all that openness and honesty, you bypass all the silly games that couples tend to play in the first few months and go right into a deep and meaningful relationship. In some cases it works. Too many don't. I would say stop listening to everyone and do what works for you. The fact that you are even taking heed of what people will think may point to a reluctance to take that step toward moving in. When I moved in with my boyfriend, there was no doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do.
September 1, 2006 at 10:41 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
katnip (Deb Townsend) says...
I waited a few years, my grandparents waited 10 days and eloped. My grandfather told grandma he had a ranch and all he had was a dirt farm, they were married for over 50 years until he passed. A lot of it is who you are and where you have been in life. Of course its an individual thing, but I would venture that Mitzibel had some good Karma coming her way and that Sammford may have just found the right person at the right time. Those are exceptions to the rule. Just like the women that marry their high school sweethearts several years down the road and still end up getting killed and dumped in the San Francisco Bay a la Lacy Peterson. Marriage and domestic geography dont make the relationship, honesty and communication and some ocassional smoking hot sex are better bets. I waited it worked for me, some didnt, it worked for them and there are counters to each of our stories too. I agree with Sammford, if you are asking complete strangers for advice, you probably aren't as in to shacking up as you should be.
September 4, 2006 at 8:18 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
hjwebb (anonymous) says...
Dr. Dailey-
I am curious to hear your opinion on cheating. My partner and I have been discussing what we feel encourages people to cheat. Both of us are intrigued by cheating and as rational human beings were trying to understand what prompts it. We pretty much agree that it has a lot to do with insecurity and/or a need to challenge social constructs or to engage in deviant behaviors. Do you have any other explanation for this behavior?
Heather
September 8, 2006 at 2:25 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
VLOVELY77 (anonymous) says...
I have a situation and needed some outside advice. I am a 30 year old woman with a 1 year old little boy. I have been more or less dating this guy that is 25 and a recent college graduate with no children. We have been talking for about a month now. We have wonderful conversation we sit up and talk for hours and we really enjoy each others company. This is something different for me because I don't date, talk or even look at a younger guy especially now since I have become a mother. Thing is I am really feeling this guy. ( too much ) We haven't done anything out of the norm and we both are pretty cautious on moving too fast. But it's like every phone conversation, every visit, any contact with him makes me like him even more. I am at this point terrified!! I don't know if I should back off and risk the chance of us just not talking anymore (not going to happen) or what? We both have discussed our feelings and we share the same feellings. I'm scared to take the risk especially do to the fact that my child is involved in which he adores him as well. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
April 23, 2007 at 3:48 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )