December 11, 2006
Q: Dear Dailey, I met a man 3 years ago and we've been together on and off since but still going today. In three years, he's cheated on me twice. The first time, he promised and cried not to ever do it again and as a soft-hearted, forgiving woman, I took him back-but he still seems to be really attached to her. We argue and fight about it constantly and he just keeps denying it but I'm sure it's not my imagination or my excessive jealousy. On top of all this, every time we fight he beats me up badly and I'm still with him and coping with his bad moods, tantrums, hoping eventually he'll wake up and realize what he's doing. I need help to think straight to be able to get out of this relationship. I'm losing myself and I need HELP-bibiA: First, if you did not read my last blog about jealousy, you probably should. Now, to your issues. Let me get this straight. You are with a man who betrays you with some regularity by having an ongoing sexual/emotional affair. He is also verbally and physically abusive to you, and generally treats you like shit. If I have this correct, you need to first of all figure out why you are in this relationship that is so destructive to you before you could have any possibility or hope of getting out (the latter I believe being your ONLY option). If you say you are staying because you love him, as so many people in your situation are want to do, my response is "fine," but what about your love for yourself? And what of his lack of love for you? Men who love their partners do not behave as he does-users do, lovers don't. Your love is clearly not being returned in kind, and your love is nowhere near powerful enough to cause him to "wake up and realize what he's doing." Unfortunately, he knows exactly what he is doing and his regard for you is so low that he lives his life as if you did not exist or have any importance to him. So, love will not be the solution-not by a long shot. Love and a nickel will buy you a donut at best. The keys to understanding this hurtful trap you're in are: > ¢ knowing that you are in this relationship because of your own emotional neediness and dependency,
¢ your fear that maybe no one else would want to be in relationship with you, ¢ your low self-esteem, which is getting in the way of your valuing yourself, and ¢ your inability to see yourself as a separate human being apart from relationships you are in, good or bad. These are the kinds of human struggles that keep people in relationships that are as empty and destructive as the one you are now caught in. If you want to escape the emotional and physical danger that I believe you are in I would urge you to be in contact with the Women's Transitional Care program, which is designed to assist women who are trapped in abusive, destructive relationships. I believe your first concern should be for your personal well-being. Once you are safe you can move towards a counseling experience that will assist you in understanding how you got trapped in this hurtful relationship and how you can tap the strengths that you have that will keep you out of such hurtful relationships. The strengths I am talking about are the strengths that allowed you to write your question in the first place. Waiting for your boyfriend to "wake up" is futile, I would guess. Users seldom "wake up." Waiting for love to solve this problem or waiting for him to change will get you nowhere. Acting on your own behalf is your only way out.
Comments
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ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. Call the abuse hot line. Call Dr. Dailey. Call the cops. Call someone who is not involved or related to you and knows how the system works. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. Unless you want to end up in the hospital, the insane wards, or worse (dead). If you are to ever have a shot at true love and/or real happiness, you need to GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT and NOW!
December 12, 2006 at 10:38 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says...
fake letter......
December 14, 2006 at 6:58 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
tikanis (anonymous) says...
I'm in a similar boat. I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years (i'm 37). If you saw me, you ask why this is the case: I work out 7 days a week, in excellent shape, well-off financially, a doctorate, a house...a good life and very normal person. In part, this lack of dating/girlfriend is because in the professional class, it is almost impossible to find time that both people can get together. And, what's worse, the amount of time between seeing one another means that each "date" is like a first date all over again. I swore myself off of mindless sex, so no girlfrield no sex. Hence, a five year hiatus.
I may be totally off base, but it would seem women have changed a bit, too. It would seem that they made it easier to read their signs...interest or non-interest. Now, it seems that they'll show interest and then almost struggle with themselves, trying to backpedal on their emotions so as to remain independent and free of entanglment, always talking about their careers and their desire to move elsewhere...it doesn't make for a feeling of a lasting relationship or anything; takes the romance out of the situation.
December 15, 2006 at 10:47 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
melanie_g (anonymous) says...
Tikanis, do you mean 'similar boat' as in you worry that the next relationship you get into will have deletorious effects on you? Or that you fear being swept under/ taken advantage of/ or otherwise unable to maintain sense of self and individuality? We can prepare and prepare and give ourselves incredibly good and timely advice and we may still never see it coming.
You could say that women are at a point in history where we have many different support systems in place where once the husband was, and still end up being emotionally broken (everybody does, not just women). But because of the new avenues of independence, expression and support, the more we get hurt, the less we want to do it again the next time. That's just one point anyway.
December 16, 2006 at 7:54 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
tikanis (anonymous) says...
Melanie,
You know, I could argue with you, but you are right about a few things. Am I fearful. Sometimes, yes. Who isn't when it comes to trusting another with their emotions, their thoughts, etc.
Guess what? When I was a child, a woman took my virginity from me. I was actually fearful of relationships because of that. She described herself as a modern liberated woman who felt that she was liberating me from childhood and giving me manhood.
Could you see where that might make for some confused emotions about relationships? See, your response while insightful is a generic response...context (which you didn't know at the time) is everything.
But I really do think that your central point was correct--I am fearful and that is difficult to deal with. Other guys experience this same sort of thing? Probably more than you could imagine.
December 17, 2006 at 1:04 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says...
jaysus h christ......Grow a damm set and be a man...Face it man you are gay...nothing wrong with that, just face it...your problems finding a steady relationship stem from the fact you really do not dig chicks....spare you and a future wife the agony of years of lies and doubt and start smoking pole openly....have a nice day.
December 17, 2006 at 12:33 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
tikanis (anonymous) says...
Redneck (and a guy named "Kelly" no less):
Not gay at all, dude.
December 17, 2006 at 1:15 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says...
cry us a river nancy.
December 17, 2006 at 2:39 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Not to take sides here, but just in the interest of giving and getting more information; My husband (who admits, freely, that he thinks all men are pigs and proud of it) says that when most guys see the stories about the hot young school teachers and young boys they rape said guys are thinking "lucky devil" and not "poor baby." So, is he wrong or misinformed or a unique Neanderthal?
On the question (?), having and holding a healthy relationship is a real mystery to most folks. But I do think it begins, like so much, not with the other persons but with self. The first ingredient of a happy healthy relationship is a happy healthy person. Meaning, I think, that you really can't expect other people to love and understand you very well, until you love and understand yourself pretty well. Only when you are able to give love will you get it in return.
Plus, whether we know it or not, most people can "smell" what we are all about. If you give off that "prey" smell, you'll be a victim to victimizers. If you give off that "insecure" smell, you'll be taken advantage of (or disrespected) by those inclined to dish out that kind of pain. If you give off the "I am great, not perfect but pretty close, and you will all think so too after you get to know me!" smell, you'll have lots more mate choices!
December 18, 2006 at 8:30 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
greyhawk (anonymous) says...
>
Tikanis....if you deem it important enough, you make it a priority. You've allocated time to work out seven days a week since physical fitness is something you value. If you want a relationship, you must devote time and energy to it. If the other person is interested in you, they will find time for you. Busy professionals have the means to stay in touch during the interval between dates. Consider that time as an opportunity to ponder all that you wish to share with the other person when you do see them. And then savor that time when you are together! Turn off the cell phone, don't check e-mail...be completely with the other person.
December 18, 2006 at 10:51 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
I agree grey hawk. I once dated a man who was very very very proud of his professional accomplishments, but could not understand why none of his relationships had worked out and he was still single at age 42. It took me hardly any time to tell that being his girl friend meant being about 5th on his priority list, if that.
My wise husband advises that any man knows if he is truly interested in a female, within 15 minutes of first meeting her (if that) AND will act accordingly - i.e. do all he can to make her know how much he is interested in her.
Women are starting to figure that out and thus (the smart ones) will not waste their time pining after or chasing some man who does not act "that into them."
SO, if you (Mr. Professional) do not really have an interest in a female, she'll know it by how much contact you continue to have with her (or try/want to have). And usually vice versa (but in all honesty, many women who are tired of the game playing may want the man do a little more of chasing, at least at first). It may be harder to make/have time if you are busy in your professional life, but how you treat someone early in the dating phase (your making or not making time to be with someone else - making them a priority) will let them know where they might stand with and how they will be treated by you, long term!
If you truly want a relationship, you have to act like it.
December 18, 2006 at 2:37 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says...
notice how he tried to play sensitive guy, and when he gets called on it he resorts to grade school tactics(I would do YOU prison style big boy....It aint gay if you are not enjoying it)....Listen allen alda, your little letter will not get you hooked up with some college hottie....It's about as transparent and fake as the head case who wrote to the doc.....
December 20, 2006 at 7:20 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Agreed Kelly. But sadly enough (or maybe not) there is usually "A lid for every pot" as my grandmother used to advise. For every person looking to play at being in love is at least one other person (usually more) who either doesn't mind being played or is too desparate for love to notice the games (at first). It would sure be helpful if every human being had their true nature and agenda clearly stated on their foreheads, so we could decide ahead of time whether we want to take a particular ride or not!
December 21, 2006 at 3:56 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
Boo fucking hoo. You're not the only person in the world who's had their virginity taken unwillingly, dude, and most of us manage to get the fuck over it and get on with our lives. Some of us even manage to have healthy, functioning relationships, even without doctorates and hard bodies. It's not your schedule that's keeping you from a committed relationship, it's the assload of bullshit whiny-ass sissy-boy baggage you bring with you wherever you go. Go find a cutter who's still grieving because her daddy flushed her goldfish when she was 12, then maybe you'll have a shot; other than that, grow a pair, buck the fuck up, and quit blaming other people for your issues. Fuck, if I can do it, as goddamned much shit as I've been through, then you should have done it a decade or two ago.
December 26, 2006 at 11:09 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
One of the topics I'd love to see Dr. D. tackle is what are the signs or ingredients of a healthy or unhealthy love relationship. He'd probably say "It depends" (lovely legal-ease wiggle word phrase) on the people. But here's my shot at a short list:
In order for two people to have and maintain a healthy adult relationship for the long haul, they much each have/feel for the other: Like, love, trust, respect and desire.
Not necessarily in that order, and not all at the same intensity level all of the time. But each are important, distinct, and important. What each of the two above whiners had/have in common is a lack of honesty. Mostly with themselves it appears. It's almost impossible to find lasting love until/unless there is some basic honesty (trust) involved!
December 27, 2006 at 4:45 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says...
Tikanis:
I see where you're coming from, and I could agree about mindless sex - i've had a hiatus or two in my day - but 5 years? Come on, man. I give you permission. Go get laid for chrissakes.
..
January 5, 2007 at 11:28 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )