July 10, 2006
Q: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Though we're young - we are both 21 - I think we have a great relationship. When we started dating I did not know a lot about him just that he was really cute and nice and he gave me a feeling that I have never felt. We fell for each other very quickly and now we are very much in love. When we first started dating he had a few problems with drugs. He had stopped doing them to my knowledge, but one night I found out he was on drugs and I freaked out because he promised me that he would rather have me than the drugs. I was so upset and out pf anger and stupidity I cheated on him with my ex. You would think I regret that but neither of us does. It was very hard to deal with, knowing I broke his heart into a million little pieces but I was honest about my infidelity and he was willing to give me a second chance. It has been about 8 months since this has happened. Since then, I have been the picture-perfect girlfriend to him and to his family, but when it comes to his mother and sister, you'd never know it. I am not invited to family functions and when I am not there I am talked about. This past weekend his sister made a comment to another family member about how I don't wear enough clothes. The other thing that really gets me is that the mother is never outwardly a bitch to me especially in front of my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend and do not have much of a family of my own. I understand that I made a mistake and it was not a small one. But why is it so hard to just be honest with someone if you do not like them? I know that they will not change or admit they do not like me - but how should I act? Killing them with kindness is breaking me down and making me lose my self-esteem. Please help!!!!!! - AndreaA: First of all, I hate to disappoint, but there are no perfect relationships, except in the romance novels from the grocery store. A part of being in relationships is being able to recognize the flaws and work on them as they arise. Nothing is more toxic than idealizing a relationship or one's partner. Now, about the drugs. What you need to know is that it is very likely that your boyfriend has a drug problem, and he needs to decide whether his is going to get treatment and stop, or continue as many users do, making promises to stop and disappointing those around them. What you need to know is that drugs will almost always win out, so his promise that he would rather be with you than be on drugs is not very trustworthy. And if he does not address his drug problem it is guaranteed that you will continue to be disappointed. What you see is most likely what you get!! Now, about the cheating. Clearly, you know that cheating to express your anger is very immature and creates more problems that it could ever solve. But you did it anyhow, which says something about where you are at and also indicates something about your readiness to be in anything remotely looking like a committed relationship. The fact that neither of you regret your "infidelity" is in itself regretful. Finally about the family. I'm not sure why your boyfriend's family reacts to you the way they do. It might allow them to minimize his drug problem (one of my first reactions is why are they not upset about that!). It could be that they are overly protective and think he might get hurt if he is in a relationship with you. It could also be that they are just a bunch of immature busybodies who need to be told to mind their own business. I'd guess all three are in the mix, but if forced to pick one, I'd pick the first. What do you do? I'd suggest a couple of things. First, I would suggest that your boyfriend tell his family that their behavior is unacceptable. If he can't do that and you stay with him, the rest of your life will be the same as it is right now. You should probably also minimize your contacts with them while they continue to be hurtful. Second, you and your boyfriend need to recognize that your relationship is not "perfect" and you are not "perfect" partners. I would suggest you take a six-month break (minimum) from each other so he could work on his drug problem and you could work on getting a much more realistic perspective on relationships and on yourself. If you are not willing to do that then you both need to be in relationship counseling. Otherwise, I fear your relationship's future is not very bright.
Comments
lawrence.com does not necessarily agree with comments posted below - responsibility lies with the relevant user alone. Read our full policy.
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
I hope the young lady in question reads your advice and takes it. There's a lot of great content in a very short answer.
Any man or woman (boy or girl in the case of those really young) who lets their family disrepect their chosen mate, at all (let alone in front of their face!) does not respect her/him and it will only get worse. If this male does not tell his family to knock it off - and act civil at least - then she needs to walk away now before she spends more time loving someone who may SAY they love her but whose actions say the opposite. You cannot make your family accept your choices. But you can make a choice not to tolerate certain behaviors. And anyone who tolerates their mate being treated badly has decided their mate is not all that important to them.
This young lady needs good counseling, and now!
July 10, 2006 at 6:20 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
cvillehawk (anonymous) says...
I can't imagine a scenario in which I would sit and listen to my family disparage my wife, or happily attend a family function to which she hadn't been invited! That kid is a twerp. But young love is blind.... we've all been there.
July 11, 2006 at 2:10 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Dazie (Aileen Dingus) says...
Did the boyfriend TELL his family about the girl's infidelity? Was this behavior happening before the mess or did it happen after? If it just started happening after she cheated on her bf, well then she just may have to suck it up for a while. In Mom's eyes- she may be just some cheating tramp who's out to ruin her boy. And in some ways, Mom may be right!
July 11, 2006 at 3:47 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
Um, just from experience, here---when you're a parent and you know your kid's all fucked up on drugs, each and every person they associate with *automatically* gets classified as a loser, a user, and probably the mean evil nasty pusher who got your baby on that dope to begin with---and in the case of a co-dependent parent in deep denial, the girlfriend/boyfriend, even if they *claim* to be straight, is in that case the reason for your child's addiction/continuation of addiction ("if only that slut didn't cheat on him all the time, he wouldn't need to smoke that crap").
The crappy truth is, this chick may be the bastard child of Pollyanna and Mary Poppins, and his parents are *still* going to think she's the freaking devil. If they're aware of his drug problem, the chances that they are going to approve of anyone he chooses to spend time with who isn't an addiction counselor are slim to none. Now, if he gets straight, and stays that way, and she's there with him and supporting him and in other words becomes a goddmned saint, then maybe in two or three years they'll be toasting her at Christmas as the best thing that ever happened to the family. Maybe not, though, and that's an *awful* lot of money and heartache and time to put in for a payout that, statistically, is about as likely as winning the lottery.
July 11, 2006 at 10:51 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Yea, one of the things that seems pretty prevelant (not always the case, but usually) is that persons who are addicted usually have family members who are trying like heck to ignore that the actions of their little darling are at the heart of most of his/her problems.
I hate the use of the phrase/word "Co-Dependent" because it's come to cover so many diverse types of behaviors, but in far too many situations one of the reasons a user doesn't come crashing into reality sooner is because their family and friends keep cushioning the crash/fall for them.
If this kid's family had said "well, she might not have cheated on you in the first place if you'd not been using drugs" he might just realize that so many of the bad things that keep happening in his life are in fact (at least partly) his fault!
But regardless of why his family is treating her so badly, this girl needs to realize that she cannot control them or him. All she can do is control her own-self. And anyone who tolerates being disrepected has (or will soon) become mired in self-loathing.
You cannot expect anyone else to respect you when you don't respect yourself!
July 12, 2006 at 8:06 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says...
Ok, drugs is one thing, and infidelity is something else again. But I notice the young lady mentions problems with the Mother and Sister, along with a comment about wearing enough clothes. Let me guess. Mom & Sis are ugly. They hate her guts because she is hot, and probably call her a slut when she's not around. I bet Daddy and Bro don't mind. She should wear modest clothes when she is around them and maybe ask for makeup advice or where to buy them stretch pants. Things will improve.
July 12, 2006 at 1:19 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Yea, self-respect is sometimes exhibited (or lack thereof) by the clothing one chooses to wear in public.
If a female dresses/looks like a "ho", "hottie" or "hootchie mama" = they can probably expect to be treated like a "ho" "hottie" or "hootchie mama" (judgement depending upon the particular values of the person doing the viewing). And we all know most men don't mind seeing all the young skin they can get....
But no need to be passive agressive; It rarely works out. If she WANTS to look like them, asking for advice may work. However, if said mother and sister look like cows wearing dresses and makeup - and want to hate her no matter how she conforms to their ways - asking them for fashion advice will only further allienate them once they see her looking better in their choice of clothing!
July 12, 2006 at 3:47 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
I agree, thetom. On my rare forays into church, it seems like these days the young ladies are dressed more for the Granada than worship. I could certainly imagine how a girl who doesn't know it's inappropriate to wear a backless crop-top and sheer mini-skirt to her brother's baptism would perhaps be prone to making the same wardrobe miscalculations when meeting the fam. Cover that ass up, you're fucking their son/brother, not them, and *he* probably doesn't appreciate the fact that you keep giving his dad a woody.
July 13, 2006 at 11:21 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Dazie (Aileen Dingus) says...
eew. Brain bleach please.
July 13, 2006 at 11:54 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says...
"I AGREE, THETOM"
"moteht ,eerga i"
"I AGREE, THETOM"
"moteht ,eerga i"
"I AGREE, THETOM"
"moteht ,eerga i"
"I AGREE, THETOM"
"moteht ,eerga i"
"I AGREE, THETOM"
"moteht ,eerga i"
"I AGREE, THETOM"...
July 17, 2006 at 8:36 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )