Posted
by Dennis Dailey
June 11, 2006 at 3:16 p.m.
The boyfriend and the fam
Q: _My boyfriend of almost a year does not get along very well with my parents and my brother (who I am very close with). Recently, my brother and my boyfriend had a fight which led to hitting and punching from both parties and a police report by my boyfriend. I love my family and boyfriend very much and don't want to lose any of them, but I feel like they all broke my heart and I'm completely caught in the middle because I'm either someone's daughter, sister, or girlfriend. Where can it go from here? I need some help._A: Welcome to the drama of life, love and family. Not sure why your boyfriend does not get along with your parents and brother, but the usual reason is that your family does not approve of him for some reason or another or they are just super overly protective. I'd bet on the first and guess it has something to do with the fact that they think you are too young to date at all, your boyfriend is much older than you, or he treats you like crap. And it really is really sad that it came to physical violence, so I would guess the emotions must be running high or somebody or everybody has no impulse control. I'd bet on a combination of the two, which is a lethal combination. Clearly, you are caught between competing forces, and I do believe that you love both your family and your boyfriend. Your parents have expectations and concerns and a long history of family loyalty. Your boyfriend also has expectations and concerns and probably also demands loyalty. It must feel like it would be impossible to not betray one or the other of these competing forces, and that may very well be the case. Picking family loyalty could result in ending the relationship with your present boyfriend. Choosing your boyfriend could alienate you and your family for the rest of your life. Such a dilemma, and much more common than you can imagine. The problem in a nutshell and the possible solution are to be found when you say you are, "either someone's daughter, sister, or girlfriend" (how intuitively wise you are!!). You are being defined by your relationships with other people. The solution is for you to get working on becoming your own person, apart from all of the forces trying to define who you are, or who others need you to be to meet their needs. You probably cannot be everything your parents, brother or boyfriend want. You have but one choice, and that is to begin working on becoming a more differentiated person and more autonomous in your interactions with others. This is not an easy process and may require some counseling along the way, but there are not a lot of other options. Either you will spend all of your time trying to figure out who others want you to be and then trying to be all of those things to all of those people, or you will become your own person. People will have to take you as you are because they won't have many other options. For example, you may have to risk loosing your boyfriend because it is unacceptable for him to behave towards your family the way he does (especially the violence part). If you become your own person you will know that even if that were to happen, sad and scary as that might be, you will be able to survive and move on. There is not only one person in the world for you. Likewise, you may have to say to your parents and brother that they need to back out of your life a bit, even though you appreciate their concern for you. If you elect to stay in your relationship with your boyfriend and that relationship goes in the toilet (have to confess that sounds like a real possibility) then they need to let you make that mistake and you need to know you can survive their disappointment, anger, etc. It might be helpful to know that when two people get together and create a committed relationship, like marriage, it is not just the two of them but two families coming together. If your family and boyfriend cannot maturely address the issues between them, and you stay in your relationship with your boyfriend, you are likely to live alienated from your family for some time, maybe forever. If you begin to do the work of becoming more differentiated and autonomous you may both break up with your boyfriend and move out from under the potentially controlling behavior of your parents. That is why growing up is scary, no matter at what age that happens. I know 18-year-olds trying to do that and a bunch of 35-year-olds, too. What you need to know is that even if hurt happens, or relationships end, or parents get disappointed, you will be able to survive and find your own way. Remember, differentiation means you have to separate yourself from others as a source of affirmation and define yourself in your own terms coming from inside of yourself. That's how you get to the place where you can function in close relationships with others and not loose yourself. If you choose, you get to define you!!
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ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
I guess I'll bravely go.....
Leave to the Dr. to sum up the answer so nicely and precisely - leaving very little else to say. But I will add my two cents anyway, just so he doesn't feel neglected, and to see what other commenters might have to add.
The "my parents do not approve of my loved one" scenario is not new to me. It's pretty upsetting to find out that one person (or group of persons) that you love hates the other person (or group of persons) that you love. But it's not a very unique situation. It happens for all kinds of reasons at all ages and stages of life.
I have found the rule I followed in grade school a pretty good one, even in adult situations: Anyone who tells me they will not love/like me if I love/like someone else (or won't be friends with me if I am friends with someone they don't like) is the loser (of my affections etc). That is not about what is good for me. That is about control over me. And it shows a woeful lack of respect for my judgement and choices.
That said, I'm not saying do not listen to criticism of your new found friends/loves. It is often a fairly good idea to listen to and weigh the thoughts and insights of other people, even on something as personal and delicate as choice of mates. Sometimes, love (and lust) dull one's ability to judge or see clearly. Loyalty is also a pretty good character trait. But if you are the ONLY person who is on the side of "Mr./Ms. Right" that can be a big huge warning sign.
I don't know about most people, but I'm not likely to trust someone who doesn't have any long term relationships, with anyone else. In fact, the absence of such ties can sometimes point to a BIG problem down the road; As much as we might like to believe that we are the one person in the whole wide world who can understand (save, truly see, etc) our newly found love, the odds are pretty good that if no one else from their past can now stand being around them, they have a pattern of using and/or abusing others (in some way).
All that said - and not very well probably - people who throw away old and good friends or relatives by making them choose sides, "him or me", are short sighted at best and extremely controlling at worst. While being candid (especially if consulted) about doubts or concerns is probably helpful in many situations, those who attach too many strings to their affections (as in trying to control the actions of another) are usually woefully lacking in the skill sets required to actually truly love another person.
Regardless of the age of the person who posed this question to the Dr., the answer is the same. Love yourself and know yourself. Then, those persons who treat you well and are healthy enough to love you will be the ones whom you naturally choose to keep in your life!
P.S. Hitting other people, except in self-defense, is rarely the sign of a stable person. Run from abuse and abusers as fast as you can!
buckeyejayhawk (anonymous) says…
I've been in the same situation. I dated a guy for over 4 years and while I found him to be wonderful, my family and friends did not agree. Everyone was "supportive" in that they didn't bash my man in front of me, but it was very obvious they did not like him. All except my dad. While dad tried to remain civil, every time he and I had a conversation and the topic drifted to my boyfriend, dad's tone of voice would change and I was miserable. While I never considered breaking up with my boyfriend because dad didn't like him, it was very painful to me that he did not approve of my relationship because my dad and I have always been very close. Eventually I discovered everyone was right about my boyfriend and our relationship ended. I spent about a year "finding myself" because I was so wrapped up in my relationship I was losing my sense of self.
Now I'm in a relationship with a man who is a 100% better human being than my last boyfriend, and to make things better, everyone loves him, including me. It's definitely given me some peace of mind.
OldEnuf2BYurDad (anonymous) says…
Probably one of the following dynamics is in play.
1) The boyfriend is not a good pick, not a good person, doesn't treat her well... and the whole family doesn't like that. If so, I'm not quite willing to say "Good for the brother" because violence should not be applauded, but she should be proud that at least the brother has enough concern that he's not "backing down" from his values and his loyalty to her needs. He may just need to direct that anger better.
2) The family is dysfunctional, and basically doesn't like the boyfriend because he doesn't fit the family sickness very well. He's NOT messed up (or, at least not in ways that they find acceptable), so they find ways to dislike him.
I'll say this: in my experience, #1 is far more common. These two may be in some sort of "love", but in most cases, the family is more devoted than the boyfriend and is more likely to have her best interests in mind. If she's sexually active with the boy, then it'd be interesting to see what would happen if she "cut him off", if she told him she'd like to take a break from the sexual aspects of the relationship. If he's Joe Loser, he'll be "with" another girl before July.
OldEnuf2BYurDad (anonymous) says…
A tip for the young ladies:
Your man should make you smile. He should make you feel strong. He should leave you glad. He shouldn't leave you feeling trapped. If he brings you to tears, something is not right. If fear dominates the relationship (fear of losing the relationship, for example), then you have problems.
Does he leave you relaxed, or uptight? You may feel "bound" in some way, and that may feel like love, but it may just be emotional enslavement. Don't expect your man to be rich, smart or built like an underwear model, but expect him to respect you and make you feel valued. If your pretty-boy is not doing that, unload him.
I once said of a woman "she'll make someone a great wife someday". Many years after that, I realized that I should be the one to take her as a wife. That guy you know who is nice, stable and moral, who you think will make a great husband someday... maybe that is your big clue.
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
AH Dad - you have hit on an age old question; why is that - so often but especially with those in their teens and twenties - the good guy or gal is eschewed as a mate, and the jerk and jerkesses attract more attention?
I know far too many truly good men and women who had to "try harder" and wait longer to have others find them attractive, while the thugs and (ahem) loose women without a stable thought in their pointy little heads had plenty of dates, attention, and people wanting to be their mates? Perhaps the instinct to mate with a good man/woman is dying out. Might explain why the divorce rate is so high and so many children are being raised in single parent homes.
Earth to those looking for a life mate: Stable is not a bad word. Someone who helps you feel content is not to be avoided. Listen to what Dad above advises. Nice stable and moral makes for a good husband and father. Someone who is strong is good - so they can stand up for what is right. But there is a difference between true strength and being an abuser or bully.
If danger and thrills are the only things that turn you on, be prepared for heart ache and bruises to follow!
Here's a question for you Dr. D. What do you have to say about the phenomena in question; why do so many people who SAY they want a stable relationship and life mate seem to pick someone who is the least likely to engage in that kind of relationship? Are there really that many self delluded masochists out there?
lynzf (anonymous) says…
I wrote this question and would like to clarify some things:
-my parents say they have a problem with my boyfriend's family...his dad is in jail, his mom cannot support him financially for college, his grandparents are filthy rich but do not help him money-wise when he needs it, his uncles are druggies, etc. My parents claim some of his stories about his family (either volunteered info from him or my parents ask this info of him) sounds exaggerated.
my boyfriend thinks my mom has a problem with him being part hispanic, part arabic...yes, she has brought up the last name a few times and said some comments, but it hurts to view my mom that way
-my boyfriend is far from "a loser who treats me like crap." he tells me i'm beautiful all the time (even when i don't believe it), is very considerate of me, and is not afraid to tell the world that he loves me. all of those qualities are things i have never experienced with guys in the past.
i understand my family is concerned with me "getting with the wrong crowd," but i focus on him...not his background
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
OK, since you filled it out a little-....
a. Even the best people can harbor racist tendencies. I found that out myself. If you have found true love, in whatever shape he takes, stay the course. BUT take your time deciding to make a lifetime committment. All too often, prince or princess charming turns into the frog after enough time goes by.
b. The fact you've never been treated well before, by any guy, is not a good sign. There really are good guys out there, but if all you've ever had was abuse, the simple absence of it does not mean a whole lot. It just makes it far easier for someone to spot you as a "sucker" for decent treatment. True love should have more to it then the absence of bad behaviors! As your question and Dr. D's response indicates, you may not actually be ready for "love" because you don't as yet truly love yourself. That's a big problem for a lot of people; trying to get from others what they can't give to themselves. Love yourself first. Then others who are worthy of you will come flocking.
c. Go back to what I said about drawing the lines in the sand. The person(s) who tell you "Him or us" or "Me or them" is the one to cut lose. You do have to stand your ground (if you are over the age of 18) when it comes to people trying to boss you around too much. But do not "cut your nose off to spite your face." Far too many young girls marry the first man who says "I love you", despite the fact their parents hate him, only to prove that they "are too a big girl". There are better and healthier ways of proving you are a grown up. You don't have to stay with someone who isn't right for you, just because your parents tell you he's not whom they'd pick. They may be right. Or you may be. But don't pick who you love based upon who else hates, or loves them.
d. Step back from the picture and pretend you are your own daughter. Would you want your precious baby with this guy?
Do your parents have any valid reasons to be fearful? Do not be blind to his flaws. We all have them.
e. Leaving your family out of it, what do other people think of him? Is he someone that can get along with and is he respected by other people (even if your family isn't in the camp of admirers yet)? If he has no other close friends, save you, that is a bad sign. It's also a bad sign if the friends he has are "losers" - i.e. law breakers etc.
f. As for the exageration stuff, check it out. If he's telling you the truth, he should have no problem backing it up....If he won't .... there's a problem. If you can't trust someone, you won't be happy with them long term!
dragonsnake (anonymous) says…
my dad is very controlling.I live with my boyfriend,who is loving,kind and generous.My dad helped us get our appartment.Recently my boyfriend lost his job.I work with my dad. Dad wants my boyfriend to leave do to money issues.Reguardless I want him to stay.This morning dad told me he would cut me off finacially and fire me from my job with him.What do I do.Quit my job let my man stay or let dad rule the world. I'm torn between the two men I love most.Help.