November 13, 2006
Dear Dr., I have been living with a very attractive and spiritual, intellectually stimulating man for about 4 years, though on the downside he's immature, depressed at times, dishonest verbally on a level I have never before encountered in an adult in my relationship history. He is a sexual pervert, which I find repugnant but have decided I must accept if I am going to be with him. I therefore do not trust him, and find myself always wanting to "bust" him, to justify my feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Though not really wanting to think he is lying to me. I need to get over this possessiveness and obsessive jealousy. Is it possible? Should I just fugget-about-it? Though I am intelligent, I think I have been acting like a stupid, horny, doormat. Your advice? -KarenA: Can you get over this "obsessive jealousy"? Yes. Should you just "fugget about" the relationship you are in? Probably. It is your jealousy that holds you in this relationship, but understanding and getting beyond your jealousy will likely not make any contribution to this relationship becoming healthy and rewarding. Maybe if you understand what jealousy is all about you would be in a position to make a decision that would be positive and healthy for you. So let me talk about jealousy as I understand it and deal with it in my work with couples. First of all, although jealousy is very emotional, it is not a discrete, single, separate emotion. You won't find it on the list of emotions in the psychology textbooks. Jealousy is a reaction and the result of the interaction between two very common emotions-fear and anger (emotions that are on everybody's list). The jealous reactions can range all the way from suspiciousness and controlling behavior to verbal abuse to physical abuse and worse. These reactions are the result of fear, which leads to anger. The fear involved is almost always the fear of losing someone and being replaced. I would guess that your fear is that the man you are involved with will find someone else, leaving you alone with no one to give meaning to your life. Now, we are left with trying to understand what gives rise to the fear that is at the core of jealousy. The three factors that give rise to the fear are: possessiveness, dependency and low self-esteem. If one is emotionally, economically, physically dependent on another person, one might very well live in constant fear of loosing them and being replaced. And in many instances a partner will foster that dependency to hold another person in the relationship. If someone gets into a relationship in which they feel that they own the person they are with, the prospect of losing that person will definitely generate fear. If one has low self-esteem and thinks poorly or inaccurately about themselves they will pretty continuously feel fear that the person they are with is continuously looking for someone better to replace them. If one does not like oneself, then one always wonders at some level if someone else can really like them. For example, every time he looks at another woman, the fear is triggered. Every time she pays just a little attention to another man, she risks loosing him. So, one does not "get over" jealousy. What one does is work on one or more of the issues that precipitate the fear, which triggers the angry reactions that we call jealousy. As a general rule beginning with those issues related to low self-esteem is usually a safe place to start. What I have seen over and over is that when someone does the work to overcome those issues that make us vulnerable to that constant fear of losing someone and being replaced, they find it much easier to extract themselves from what are obviously destructive, unhealthy relationships. Staying with someone who is "immature," "depressed," "verbally dishonest," would seem ludicrous and not worth the emotional investment if viewed without the baggage possessiveness, dependency and low self-esteem. Not doing the work will usually leave one trapped in a relationship and open to the continuous experience of pain and sadness. P.S. Another reader of this blog (and a former student), asked about counseling resources when someone has little or no resource. In Lawrence, you could contact the Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center or the Psychological Clinic at the University. And, of course, KU students can use the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) at Watkins Health Center. Similar resources are often available in other communities.
Comments
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mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
I'm suprised you didn't address the issue of this lady labeling her lover a "sexual pervert". Why does she think he's a "pervert"? Did she find some porn that's not strictly Hustler-esque on his browser? Does he ask her to "kiss it?" Did she catch him in her underwear? Although she sounds like the type to consider "perversion" to mean "anything besides missionary-position sex with me."
PS----Bert Nash rocks. They are incredibly accessible for even the broke-ass-est among us, and it's quality care.
November 14, 2006 at 3:04 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says...
I'm still confused on how he can be "spiritual", then proceed to describe a very non spiritual personality....and yeah, "pervert" is a very broad and vague term......I'm a dirty little goat boy at times, yet Comparativley I am probably pretty vanilla.
November 14, 2006 at 5:31 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Jealousy is a lot of things that aren't pretty, but almost all of them add up to a lousy relationship. Sometimes, mistrust is caused by facts; a history of cheating, a tendency towards lying, a past full of secrets, abusive conduct etc. Sometimes mistrust is based upon perceived wrong-doings of the same sort, but aren't factually based; they rest instead upon the insecurities or fears of the persons feeling/being jealous. Either way, that kind of feeling and the reasons behind point to an unhappy ending at some point. Unless the root behaviors are addressed, and fixed, the relationship will fail or at the very least be unhealthy (whatever THAT means)! Whether there is just cause for the jealousy, or not, a little bit of it goes a Long Long way....
What I don't get are those who SHOULD feel mistrust towards someone, but don't. I understand forgiving someone who hurt you; I try to do it myself. But how some people (usually women, but not always) continue to want to be with someone who has hurt them badly time and time again...it's beyond me. You will never get respect from anyone else until you first learn to respect yourself!
November 14, 2006 at 6:50 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Daggit (anonymous) says...
you can't mix apples and oranges, i think she needs to move on if her and her "intellectually stimulating man" are that different from each other
November 15, 2006 at 1:11 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says...
I guess if you gotta have a verbally abusive repugnant pervert, it might's well be an intellectually stimulating verbally abusive repugnant pervert.
I'll ask my wife.
November 15, 2006 at 2:45 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
karmaxs3 (anonymous) says...
Personally, I find the mere fact that she has to ask someone else if she should leave the relationship a big neon sign that she knows she should leave the relationship. However, like Dr. Dailey pointed out, her self-esteem is far too low to affirm for herself to actually do it.
Here you go Karen. Run away fast. Find yourself. Love who you are. Then you will find someone to love you for who you are too.
November 17, 2006 at 8:57 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
redneck---many confuse the terms "spiritual" and "flake". For instance, when one says that one's girlfriend is "really spiritual", it usually means that she burns candles to Hecate when someone pisses her off and swears she can see ghosts. In this instance, I believe "spiritual" can be translated as "uses really big words when talking about why he doesn't attend a church."
Damn, it's fun to snark on people I've never met.
November 19, 2006 at 11:07 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bibi (anonymous) says...
Dear Dailey,
I'm a 45 year old divorcee. I met a man 3 years ago; we've been together on and off since but still going today: In three years, he's cheated on me twice, with his SECRETARY: The first time, he promised and cried not to ever do it again and as a soft hearted forgiving woman, I took him back TWICE!! After all he's done; I'm still living with him today. Suddenly, a few months back, I realized that he is still having an affair with his secretary (not sure whether it's just sex or emotional) but he seems to be really attached to her.
We argue and fight about it constantly and he just keeps denying it but I'm 100% sure, it's not my imagination or my excessive jealousy but I have hard proof and that's his under pants filled with semen every time he's alone with her in the office. He's a General Manager in a small company with minimal staff so it's really easy for him to send all the staff of for some business else where, seeing that she's the only administrative person there.
On top of all this, every time we fight he beats me up badly and I'm still with him and coping with his bad moods, tantrums, hoping eventually he'll wake up and realize what he's doing. And especially when he's had sex with her, he just gets too aggressive and difficult to handle. I need help to think straight to be able to get out of this relationship. I've lost weight, lost my beauty sleep; I look so much older today than I ever have in the past year. I'm losing myself and I need HELP:
Can you please help me to find myself and be happy again:
bibi
November 22, 2006 at 6:03 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )