April 9, 2007
Dr. Dailey, Both my husband and I were students in your Human Sexuality class at KU. I've been desperately trying to come to terms with a secret I recently learned about my husband and was thrilled to discover that you sometimes answer questions about relationships on lawrence.com. My situation is two-fold... First of all, I discovered that my husband was looking at pornographic images of other men online. My initial reaction was disgust, and I felt cheated. Then feelings of inadequacy settled in-I feel like he wants something that I clearly cannot give him. He's told me he's always had these feelings of attraction toward men but that he's never acted on them. I then found out he had a separate account online where chatted with local men, but he tells me he never met any in person. Then I discovered that he had several of their phone numbers programmed into his phone. When I confronted him, he ceased all communication with these men-he assures me that he isn't cheating, has no intentions of leaving, and has no doubt that I'm the only one for him. The second part of the situation is that my husband is turned on by provocative photos of himself (and has several photos of himself which he uses for self-gratification). I've been trying to think back to your class, but I don't remember learning about sexual narcissism. I'm bothered by both facets of his behavior. My physical, mental and emotional reaction to all of this has been really hard on me and on our marriage. I find myself being visibly ill. I can't tell if this is an innocent curiosity or if he's hiding the fact that he's bisexual or homosexual. I would greatly appreciate any insight you could provide.A: There are several layers in your question, so I want to sort them out and deal with them one at a time. First, your feelings in inadequacy. Your husband's attraction to male erotica and his other activities are not a reflection on you, but a reflection on him. His apparent disinterest in you sexually has nothing to do with your adequacy as a woman, your adequacy as a sexual partner, or your adequacy as a mate in a committed relationship. So, I hope first of all that you get this so that you do not get inappropriately wrapped into you husband's sexual struggles. Now, to the issue of his sexual orientation and it's consequences in your relationship. You need to know that you are not alone in this business. I hear this story with some regularity in my clinical practice. Understand that I may not have complete data, but what you describe is someone who is at minimum is highly conflicted about his sexual orientation. My guess is that conflict arises because your husband's internalized homophobia (negative, fearful and angry feelings about homosexuality) comes into conflict with the reality of his sexual orientation. The fact that he has always had attraction towards men, the fact that he is drawn primarily or exclusively to male erotica, the fact that he acts on these realities in chats with men or phone conversations with men all suggest that your husband is homoerotically oriented or maybe bisexual with a strong focus on the homoerotic side of his sexual orientation. If you place your husband's turn-on to erotic images of himself in this context, it is not that big of an issue-in fact, it represents a relatively safe outlet for his sexual desires. "Sexual narcissism" is likely too strong a term in this situation. The other issue of importance is how much energy your husband puts into deceit and covering up his sexually driven activities. Your feeling somewhat betrayed by these discoveries is clearly appropriate. His deceit and surreptitious activities also indicate the intensity of what I suspect is his internalized homophobia. Your husband probably struggles with being honest with himself about his sexual reality as much as he struggles to be honest and open with you about what is going on for him. Whether conflicted about his sexual orientation or wholly in denial about it, the consequence in detracting from the emotional intimacy in your relationship is the same-both of you probably walk on egg shells all the time with each other. A final thought. I do not think what is happening here is an "innocent curiosity." It is also clear that he is hiding something from you and probably from himself. I don't question at all your love for him or his love for you. Whether you both can sustain a meaningful, long-term (40 or 50 years) relationship may be another matter-that is, a relationship in which there may never be a strong (or even minimal) sexual bond, or where your husband battles his internal conflicts continuously, or where you increasingly question your own adequacy as a sexual partner. It goes without saying that it is probably time for you two to seek the advice and counsel of someone trained in sex therapy who can help you both sort out the several issues at hand. I doubt that your situation will somehow spontaneously resolve itself and the longer, the struggle the more painful the process is likely to become.
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newhope (anonymous) says...
As someone who runs groups for men who wrestle with pornography and other sexual addictions, I would encourage some very direct action on the wife's part.
First, you need to honestly recognize the fact that he has been very deceitful to you and that the "truth" that you know has only come out as you have discovered it. This is a very common experience for spouses of sexual addicts. (Not automatically assuming he is an addict, however, his secrecy and deception are certainly strong indicators that is at least a possibility.) This also brings into question his assurance that he has never actually met or had any contact with any of these men. The reality is that you do not know what you can and cannot believe.
Second, you must face the fact that if he is acting out sexually with others, especially with other men, you are in grave danger of contracting an STD.
Third, you must be honest with yourself at the amount of pain his actions inflict upon you. If you had even a semi-traditional wedding, he undoubtedly vowed to "forsake all others" and he has violated that trust on many occassions. That is a betrayal and a hurt that must be honestly faced in order that you can grieve the harm and move forward in your own healing regardless of what he does.
April 10, 2007 at 4:22 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
harleyquinn (anonymous) says...
I want you to know you are not alone!!! I found this blog looking for answers for myself.My husband has been doing the same thing. Except that I found that he is also making a plan to get together with one these men that he has been exchanging pics with. I cannot tell you how sick this is making me.I read his email and discovered it in excruciating detail all the things he really wants to do with this guy.I wish I had a mental scrub to erase the images of him ! I don't know if this has already happened with anyone else but I guess it is inevitiable.
I have been going to a counsellor to deal with my stress and to try to get the courage to confront him about this. Basically, I think it all over but the fighting,but I'm scared to say it . I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning.I haven't slept for days and am losing weight at rapid speed.
October 6, 2007 at 6:07 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )