February 10, 2007
Q: _ My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now and we haven't had sex, but we've recently started talking about it. We already have a very sexual relationship and our communication and closeness grows with time. We are deeply committed to each other and are planning to marry in a year or so after graduation. Could you give us some guidance?_A: As you are surely discovering, this decision is very much a matter of individuals and couples coming to some mutual agreement, and if taken seriously, this is not always as easy decision to make. What is even more troubling to me is that so many people/couples give this decision little or no attention; they just do it, and then think about it later. I do not think there is a single conclusion that is the best or "correct" one for all couples in your circumstance, although there are some who would say that is the case. I am sure you are already familiar with the "abstinence only" position, which holds that sexual intercourse and most other sexual expressions are to be expressed only in the context of marriage. That would be an acceptable position for some couples, but not all by any means. Some folks will elect not to marry ever, and, of course, gays and lesbians are mostly excluded from marriage, and for some people the "marital sex" injunction just does not have meaning for them. One of the first issues that need to be assessed is the one about value fit. In other words, would the inclusion of sexual intercourse be consistent with the values you hold as individuals and as a couple? If, for example, your decision would bring either of you into conflict with your religious or spiritual values, then I would urge you to wait. The guilt would just get in the way of the pleasure. If religious/spiritual values are not in conflict or simply not that relevant for you both, then including sexual intercourse is not likely to be troublesome. Another values area that might need to be examined is one regarding human interactions in general. Sexual interactions that are burdened by shame, or guilt, or are in any way coerced are usually not worth the effort. Given the positive nature of your present level of sexual experience with each other, I would suspect that these issues are not going to arise for you and your partner. Including sexual intercourse is your relationship is likely to be most positive and pleasurable if you are NOT trying to prove your love for another person, increase your self-esteem, prove that you are mature, show that you can attract or be attractive to a sexual partner, get attention, affection or love, or rebel against parents, society, etc. Likewise, including sexual intercourse in a relationship in order to improve it or in a relationship that is "growing cold" almost always ends in a negative outcome. That is not what sex is all about in healthy relationships. Also, if you can discuss and agree on effective methods of contraception, including how you might handle a situation in which contraception might fail, then you are more prepared to include sexual intercourse in your relationship. Finally, one last thing. Including sexual intercourse in a relationship will almost always go better if you have realistic expectations for the experience. For example, if in all of the sexual interactions you presently have, one or the other of you struggles in the achievement of orgasm, and expect that sexual intercourse will solve that problem, your expectations are decidedly unrealistic. Given that only 25% to 30 % of women have orgasms during sexual intercourse with any reliability at all, disappointment is the likely outcome of the unrealistic expectation. That is a serious burden for sexual intercourse and almost always heightens performance anxiety for men, which is also harmful to pleasure. What I have described may sound like a high standard, but I think it is probably minimal for a caring couple that wants their sexual interactions to be a positive, pleasurable and meaningful part of their loving relationship. Being able to explore these concerns can go a long way towards helping you make your decision. Of course, for people who don't care about each other and are just users, none of this is relevant. You are clearly treating this decision with thoughtfulness and I really respect that approach. It is likely that such thoughtfulness and openness will make your decision a sound one and one you both can live with comfortably and confidently. I am sure you will get advice from many sources, both solicited and not, but the bottom line is your need to get to a place that represents your hopes and expectations for your relationship. I wish you the best.
Comments
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ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
I would like to hear from anyone who did not have sex before they were married, were "engaged" or going together for years, and after they were married had a great sex life and marriage. The reason I'd like to have them post here is that I think they're a mythical couple.
I've known two couples who waited to have sex until after marriage, and had years of engagement. Both times, there were HUGE problems in their sexual lives! And both ended up split. I'm not saying it's not possible, I've just not ever seen it happen. So feel free to testify that it can work.
Most of the time, people who are deeply in love with each other WANT to have sex too, and soon. Those who do have a healthy sex attitude and drive, and yet wait for years to do the deed (until after they ABC - fill in the blank), either have or create a whole lot of other problems. IMO.
Most couples who are in love and want to wait, speed up the nuptials! What kind of people have good sex drives, healthy attitudes, and are in love, yet put off having sex so they can spend years doing other things first?
The fact that the above writer says they're have a sexual relationship, but haven't had sex, means to me that they're yet another couple who believe that only having oral sex means they're still virgins! HA! Thank You Bill Clinton! Earth to moonbats. That IS having sex!
February 12, 2007 at 9:25 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
altarego (anonymous) says...
"That IS having sex!"
Exactly what I was thinking. Where intercourse is a symbolic pinnacle of intimacy, I firmly (oh stop) believe that oral, manual, and visual fun can actually require a higher degree of sophistication and rapport than a straight fuck.
Want to go to the next level?
1) Look each other in the eye (no laughing).
2) Talk to each other about what pleases you.
3) Have that discussion without giggle words.
4) Make a video and send it to me.
Do the first three, and I wager you have reached a level of communication that will under gird any endeavor before you. Do the last, and I, along with the youtube community, will celebrate your innocence with a fine glass of single malt.
February 12, 2007 at 1:24 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
lillyanneinc (anonymous) says...
My question is 'why are you not married already?' What on earth are you waiting for? As ladylaw stated, 'you are already having sex!'
Now, I am one of those 'mythical' people she requested to appear - we waited til after our vows to have sex (no matter what your definition of 'is' is...).
Was it hard to do? Yes, but OH was it worth it! I can honestly look my daughters in the eyes and say, 'Wait till marriage and if he REALLY loves you, he will marry you because you are WORTH IT!'
So, again, my question is, 'Why are you not married already?' What on earth are you waiting for?
~I wish you both the very best.
February 20, 2007 at 4:07 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
justthefacts (anonymous) says...
lilly - bravo to you! May I ask, how long was your engagement? I do not have anything but the utmost respect for people who wait until after marriage. And I also think that works very well for people who keep the engagment time frame to a period not designed to frustate even St. Paul. However, what I wonder about are those people who wait to have "real" sex for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS... and THEN get eventually married. I've not ever seen that scenario end up happily. So...how long between your first date and your marriage?
March 20, 2007 at 4:43 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )