The problem with vomit pans

Here is my one and only complaint about my visit last week to the Lawrence Memorial Hospital emergency room:The vomit pans.Theoretically, of course, vomit pans are a wonderful thing. You tell a nurse or a doctor or a medical technician that you're feeling a bit uggish, they hand you a pan -- and if that imminent uggishness should transform itself into full-blown spewage, well, you've got a receptacle right there so you don't empty your stomach all over the room.That's the theory anyway.I went to the emergency room Thursday morning for extreme gastrointestinal problems whose details and treatment I'm going to gloss over, both for the sake of good taste and the remaining shreds of my dignity. Suffice it to say: Things that might, in the course of your normal life, seem utterly humiliating and degrading can suddenly seem innocuous and even wonderful if a medical professional is doing it to you to relieve your pain. Illness will change your perspective, no doubt.But I digress.The vomit pan in the LMH emergency room is actually a little dish. It's almost cute -- pink, kidney-shaped, two, maybe three inches deep.Wait. Did I just say three inches deep? How could that be? Because everybody knows that if you're vomiting with any kind of force at all, the shallowness of that cute little vomit pan is going to act kind of like a vomit mirror, reflecting half-digested burrito (just to pluck an example from thin air) straight back into your face, all over your face, and then all over the immediate area of room you happen to be occupying. Creating the kind of mess, in other words, a vomit pan is theoretically designed to avert.Luckily, hospital personnel are trained to give you a second cute lil' vomit pan should you fill up the first. Very helpful.Actually, the E.R. people were very helpful, and gentle with me. I'm grateful for their professionalism; they soothed me of the worst pain and put me back on track to recovery.I just hope they find some better vomit pans.

Comments

lazz 18 years, 3 months ago

c'mon joel, give it up ... whered'ya get the burrito?

sodanegrus 18 years, 3 months ago

when vomiting always remember: don't get any on you!!!!

Rob Gillaspie 18 years, 3 months ago

All this time I thought they were jsut tapping into an old fetish of mine. Pandering to my needs, so to speak. Now I find out they give the same pans to EVERYONE? I suddenly feel less special.

Tim vonHolten 18 years, 3 months ago

one has to look upon the cup o' joel logo in a different light now, doesn't one?

Joel 18 years, 3 months ago

lazz: Chipotle.

quinno: I'm so glad I'm not the only one to play the "turn a random phrase into a rock band name" game.

murderama: Fetish? Do I even want to know?

Joel 18 years, 3 months ago

I should add that the burrito was not the cause of the gastrointestinal distress -- they told me I had "viral sydrome." Poor little critter was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Jason Barr 18 years, 3 months ago

good luck with life. thanks for humoring me on tuesday. love jbarr

kamirplease 18 years, 3 months ago

Random Band Name = Fiberoptic Angel

Inspired by the masses of them around the holidays. I think it would make a great punk band name.

lazz 18 years, 3 months ago

ahhh, yes, burrito as buckshot ... sure to stop the fighting in any battle ... and yes, quinno, "vomit mirror" is a terrific turn of phrase, but not as complete and memorable as this heretofore unforseen combination of letters, spaces and words: "Theoretically, of course, vomit pans are a wonderful thing. " one of those truisms that you've never before considered and suddenly you see how ignorantly empty your life had been before this moment ...

Patrick Quinn 18 years, 3 months ago

"vomit mirror" is my new fave... Gotta get that into the paper up here. Sounds like a band name.

Patrick Quinn 18 years, 3 months ago

My brother, at the tender age of p'haps nine, underwent a Bart Simpson-like experience involving a large pitcher filled with liquor and Kool-Aid, an ambulance, a stomach pump and a vomit pan. It's his story to tell, but I retain vivid memories of the vomit pan, which he brought home from the hospital.

CafeSiren 18 years, 3 months ago

Joel! Welcome back, querido. Glad to hear you're feeling better. The Hillsboro blog was interesting. Glad to see you back -- hey, Trudeau has taken more than one sabbatical, so why can't you?

legoman 18 years, 3 months ago

Time to design a better vomit pan, patent it, and become rich. The American dream......

jeanne 18 years, 3 months ago

Joel: I had no idea that you had suffered this uggishness. I'm sorry. I don't think it's a male thing though, Twiggle, as a friend of mine spotted an unfortunate woman caught downtown durning the St. Patrick's Day parade with no vomit mirror to turn to. Very sad. Of course, she may have just had too much green beer that morning. Glad you're back to bloggin', Joel. Hope you're feeling better.

pumpkin 18 years, 3 months ago

Joel: Would cryptosporidium been worse? Glad you're feeling better.

twiggle 18 years, 3 months ago

uggish... that's the best term I've heard for it yet! As for the illness, i'm sorry you were sick, that stinks (literally and figuratively). Now for the paranoia... I read not too long ago that one of the Koreas was trying to come up with biological weapons based on genotype, things such as race, gender, hair color, etc. Now, in the course of the last week, I've known 5 people who've gotten the uggish gastrointestinal disease. Funny thing? All male. I was even smooching up on one of them (not while uggish of course... see how much I like that term?) and I didn't get it. Nor did these males respective mothers and girlfriends. Scary what if, eh? Of course, my sample is very small, and I've not been asking any health providers their opinions or anything, but jeez... how scary is that?

amithst 18 years, 3 months ago

re change in perspective: once one has experience the "JUST GET IT OUT OF ME" stage of childbirth, one's perspective on medical procedures, not to mention dignity and modesty, change forever

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