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Posted by Joel Mathis February 6, 2005 at 5:27 p.m.

Blogging the Super Bowl

Unlike many people, I did not feel a sense of moral outrage last year when Janet Jackson's bosom was exposed at the Super Bowl.Instead, I yelled at my friends: "I JUST SAW JANET JACKSON'S BREAST!"Then I giggled. Four years of Mennonite college all for naught, apparently.Anyway, I went into this year's Super Bowl trying to be a little more adult. But I was watching at the home of my friends Josh and Jill. And Josh doesn't exactly encourage my maturity. So.Here, then, is a running diary of my Super Bowl experience.¢ 4:58 p.m.: Jill: "Guess I what I have for you in the kitchen, Joel?" Me: "What do you have for me in the kitchen, Jill? Jill: "Rotel cheese dip." Me: "You love me!" Isn't the Super Bowl a national holiday? I can feast on cheese, right?¢ 5:06 p.m.: Cris Collinsworth, like everybody else today, says the Patriots - winners of two of the previous three Super Bowls - have a chance to become a dynasty with a win. What nobody is saying; If the Eagles lose, they'll continue their [trynasty][1].¢ 5:08 p.m.: Is Will Smith about to sing "America the Beautiful?" No. Whew. It's the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind, with Alicia Keys.5:17 p.m.: Why is Michael Chikliss introducing the Patriots? Doesn't Ben Affleck have the Boston fan thing locked up? Contractually?¢ 5:23 p.m.: Michael Douglas at the Super Bowl? In a tribute to the Greatest Generation? What were the producers thinking? "How do we honor the guys who stormed ashore Normandy at D-Day? Why don't we get that guy who was the sex addict in 'Basic Instinct?'"5:30 p.m.: Samuel L. Jackson and Ice Cube instead of Vin Diesel in the new Triple X movie, huh? Is nothing sacred?5:35 p.m.: Tyler, the kid who flipped the coin to start the game. What a weak flip. That 10-year-old will never make it in the NFL.5:38 p.m.: Kickoff. Terrell Owens takes the field, even though they surgically removed his foot a couple of weeks ago. This game's all about toughness.5:40 p.m.: First Bud Light ad. Pilot dives out of the plane for a Bud Light. Funny. But why do beer companies advertise during the Super Bowl? Isn't everybody who's ever going to drink beer going to be doing it already, during a football game? There can't be any more beer to sell.5:49 p.m.: P. Diddy is stranded in the desert. Gets in with the diet Pepsi truck. Now everybody has a diet Pepsi truck. Carson Daily too. Why are they playing Coolio in a video starring P. Diddy? Maybe because P. Diddy hasn't ever made a good song.5:55 p.m.: Ah, here's Vin Diesel. Instead of Triple X, he's in a Disney movie. Which looks like a ripoff of "Kindergarten Cop." Poor Vin. He's had Arnold Schwarzenegger's entire career and reached the washed-up phase in just three years. He's running for governor next year.FedEx commercial with Burt Reynolds and the talking bear is the funniest thing on TV so far.5:59 p.m.: Nobody can move the ball very far. Boring game. "It's not about the game," Jill says. She's such a football purist. Of course, earlier she was asking where the Patriots play at.6:10 p.m.: I don't get McDonalds' Abraham Lincoln fry commercials. I mean, I get the whole Virgin Mary grilled cheese ripoff. But this doesn't make me want to eat at McDonalds. Anymore than usual, I mean.6:14 p.m.: I HATE Baby Bob! I refuse to eat Quiznos as long as this freak of nature is advertising for them. If God had meant babies to talk in commercials, he would have given them... talking ... ability. Never mind.6:17 p.m.: I'm getting cheese on my keyboard. Mmmmm. Cheese.6:30 p.m.: Jeffrey Lurie has billions of dollars and owns the Philadelphia Eagles. So why does he do his hair in a kind of balding Albert Einstein afro? Can't rich guys get better hair care advice?6:32 p.m.: The Eagles score. 'Bout darned time. Now we've got a game.6:37 p.m.: John Travolta and Uma Thurman are dancing again! In "Be Cool!" It can't be as good as "Pulp Fiction," but still! The oldies are the goodies!7 p.m.: Patriots score. Tie game. I think I'm rooting for the Patriots here. Not for any particular reason. Well, except for this: Philadelphia fans booed Santa Claus at a game one time years ago. And they're PROUD of it. When a city takes pride in bad sportsmanship, well, I can't root for their teams.And Josh has decided to adopt the Eagles tonight. So I'm being contrary for fun.7:10 p.m.: At last. Halftime. This is what it's all about.Not that it used to be that way. About 10 years ago, "The Simpsons" did a pitch perfect satire of Super Bowl halftimes that were, inexplicably, staged by Up With People for a long time. A UFO landed at the 50-yard line, and aliens took the field."People of Earth! We've traveled 50 billion light years to bring you this message of peace!"After which the aliens started dancing to "Rock Around the Clock."Somewhere along the line, though, somebody decided that halftime entertainment should be, you know, entertaining. Of course, that led to last year's wardrobe malfunction. So let's see what we get.7:19 p.m.: It begins.So is Paul McCartney lip-synching? I always assumed that at Super Bowls in previous years, and accepted that as part of the deal. But after the Ashlee Simpson thing...At least he's not grabbing himself, like Nelly did last year.It occurs to me, though, that as he sings "Baby You Can Drive My Car," though, that McCartney is the perfect Super Bowl entertainment. For 1967.And now he's singing "Get Back." Surely these are clean-cut, respectable, All-American lyrics! Let's check:_Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner But he knew it wouldn't last. Jojo left his home in tucson, arizona For some california grass._So drug use is better than nudity?_Sweet loretta martin thought she was a woman But she was another man All the girls around her say she's got it coming But she gets it while she can._I don't want to pass judgment here. But I think I can tell you what the Mennonites would say about this.7:25 p.m.: "Live and Let Die." So violence, drug use and discussion of sex -- but not showing -- is better than nudity.Don't get me wrong. I'm not for public nudity, and I'm not being a prude. I just think this all is ... interesting.7:28 p.m.: "Hey Jude." OK, it's a little harder to find the sin here.7:31 p.m.: Paul's 62, by the way. "It's almost like having Frank Sinatra perform the halftime show," Josh says.It's done. No breast. There's a sense of profound... boredom in this living room right now. Maybe it's time for some cheese...7:36 p.m.: E-mail from David Ryan, The Yellow Dog:"i dunna wanna interrupt your blog, which i'm digging much; but isn't it nice to see someone at one of these SuperGigs who can play -- actually play -- their songs live? "That's what's best about those old Beatles. Fie on lipsyncing."Joel agrees.7:39 p.m.: The frozen guy in the Mustang convertible commercial again.Here's the message I'm receiving: Ford's cars are so delightful ... that they'll KILL you! I'm getting rid of my Escort, immediately.7:41 p.m.: Halftime's over. The commercials are starting to repeat themselves. Time to start paying attention to the game.7:48 p.m.: Patriots march down the field and score really quickly. It's still close, but I sense the Patriots could be about to start blowing out the Eagles.7:52 p.m.: You know what really bugs me about postseason football? After a touchdown, they show commercials. Then the kickoff. Then more commercials. In other words, we get something like five or six minutes of commercials for 10 seconds of action.Fox is raking in the dollars is all I can say.7:58 p.m.: Bud Light's slipping. The AmeriQuest commercials - the guy who's maced by the convenience store clerks and the other guy who holds up the cat covered with spaghetti sauce - are funnier than anything Bud's come up with.It's a mortgage company. The beer guys should hang their heads in shame.8:10 p.m.: Or the Eagles could march right back and tie the game again. It's getting exciting! Which is good, because the commercials seem to be petering out.8:18 p.m.: Full. Of. Cheese.8:23 p.m.: There's President Clinton. Slumped over. Face in hand. So bored. This game NEEDS Janet Jackson, I tell you!8:24 p.m.: Touchdown New England.8:38 p.m.: Emerald Nuts: "I'd give you an Emerald Nut, but then the unicorns would never come back." Funny.8:41 p.m.: Field goal New England. Yaaaaaaaaaawn.8:46 p.m.: Teddy Bruschi intercepts Donovan McNabb. There's seven minutes left in the game -- but lets be serious. It's over.So let's review.BEST COMMERCIALS OF SUPER BOWL 39 1. The FedEx commercial with Burt Reynolds and the talking bear. 2. The AmeriQuest commercial that made it look like the boyfriend had killed his girlfriend's cat. 3. AmeriQuest commercial where the convenience store clerks maced the guy they thought was robbing them. 4. The Emerald Nut unicorn commercial. 5. The Bud Light commercial where the pilot jumps out of the plane.WORST COMMERCIALS OF SUPER BOWL 39 1. Gladys Knight playing rugby. 2. Vin Diesel in the Disney movie. Just because. 3. Baby Bob for Quiznos. 4. The Muppets for Pizza Hut. Please make these go away.8:52 p.m.: WORST PLUG OF UPCOMING TELEVISION SHOWS: The game announcers plug "American Dad," a new cartoon about a father who is also a CIA agent. "Boy, if you're a dad, you've got to have some counterintelligence skills, because they (children) can lay some stuff on you," Collinsworth says. He sold his soul to Fox a long, long time ago.9:03 p.m.: Or maybe I was a bit early in my assessment. A good long Philly touchdown. Down by three points with 1:48. The tension builds.9:11 p.m.: Patriots must punt, with about a minute left. Philly still a chance. Josh is standing.9:15 p.m.: McNabb's intercepted. That's it. Philly has cemented itself as the great trynasty of the early 21st century. Remember that word, trynasty.We'll get it in general usage yet.Well thanks for reading this Super Bowl blog, if you've made it this far. Some 1,800 words or more later, what have we learned?¢ Despite the hype, it's just a game. And not always a very interesting game.¢ Bud Light can't shoulder the mighty burden of entertainment that's been placed upon its shoulders.¢ Gladys Knight playing rugby is a disturbing image.¢ I should never, ever, eat three plates of nachos.¢ Super Bowls are more fun when there's a Jackson family scandal involved.Next year, they should invite LaToya. [1]: http://blogs.lawrence.com/mathis/2005/jan/10/trynasty/