Posted
by Joel Mathis
September 15, 2005 at 2:46 p.m.
New contest....
Perhaps you remember ["The Breakfast Club" sequel contest.][1] It's time to make movie magic again.Inspired by responses to my [Robert Wise RIP][2] blog, I offer you the following challenge:Pick any famous, beloved and "classic" movie from before 1970 and describe the remake in 21st Century Hollywood.Entries will be graded for: ¢ Casting. ¢ Funny and superficial twists on old plot/character details. ¢ The size of budget required to actually film the movie.cvillehawk got the ball rolling with this comment:"No studio would greenlight 'Citizen Kane' now, unless it was billed as 'An atmospheric thriller in which Chuck Kane will stop at nothing to solve the mystery of Rosebud." There would be lots of Kung Fu, a car chase, and a thrilling conclusion in which Kane pushes an evil CEO to his well-deserved death by impalement before walking away with a young, buxom scientist who has reluctantly come to love him after first clashing with him.'"Good stuff.Y'all have until the end of the day Friday to enter the contest. Judging will commence Saturday morning; I am the sole judge and my decisions are final. The prize: A free piece of Lawrence.com swag.Good luck, moviemakers! [1]: http://www.lawrence.com/blogs/mathis/2005/jun/11/shirt/ [2]: http://www.lawrence.com/blogs/mathis/2005/sep/15/wise/
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Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
Incidentally, Rosebud would BE the young, buxom scientist. But that's just my take.
DavidRose (anonymous) says…
!!
BobDarkAvenger (anonymous) says…
kill the mockingbird (To Kill a Mockingbird)
CAST
Atticus "Ace" Finch (Tom Cruise) - A gritty street-wise cop who shoots first and asks questions later. Behind his gruff exterior, however, is a loving father that is trying to raise to children by himself. He still balmes himself for the brutal murder of his wife.
Calpurnia (Halle Berry) - Atticus's longtime partner. She has been bought off by the powerful Robert Ewell and passes information on to him.
Tom Robinson (Morgan Freeman) - The no-nonsense chief of police. Risks his life and his reputation trying to bring down Robert Ewell.
Arthur Radley (Rick Moranis) - A nervous, excitabable account. He witnesses the murder of May.
Robert Ewell (Gary Busey) - The sleazy mayor of Chicago, half the city is in his pocket and the other half is on his hit list. He seems to have a connection to the rash of murders across the city.
May - A murdered prostitute with a shady past
PLOT
As the election season is upon the city, Atticus begins investigating the murder of May. It seems like just another dead hooker, until the cautious Arthur Radley approaches him, claiming to know who committed the murder. Atticus gets in over his head as he tries to discover the identity of the murderer and what his connection is to Robert Ewell. The films climaxes with a dramatic car chase where Calpurnia betrays Atticus and the truth about Arthur Radley is revealed.
budget
The budget would be astronomical. The final carchase alone will result in the destruction of over a thousand automoblies, and Gary Busey don't come cheap.
- my apoligies to Harper Lee
BobDarkAvenger (anonymous) says…
typos abound
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says…
Holy shit. BobDarkAvenger wins, hands down. That's beautiful stuff.
DavidRose (anonymous) says…
Wow! The bar has been set.
And someone call the carwash and tell Rick Moranis to put in his two weeks notice!!
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
The Cell Block B Parolee (remake of The Graduate)
Benjamin Braddock (Topher Grace) Benjamin has been around the block a few times. Fresh out of cell block b, he has had his share of honeys (and he's even been the honey on occasion). But yet, something's missing or incomplete from his life...
Mr. Braddock (Michael Douglas) Mr. Braddock is a homemaker by day, deviant by night. He harbors a dark, dirty secret. When Mrs. Braddock is not home, he looooves dressing in her dainties.
Mrs. Braddock (Stockard Channing) Mrs. Braddock is hardcore businesswoman with steel cojones. She is more engaged in her career than her husband.
Mr. Robinson ( Robin Williams) Mr. Robinson is a CLOSE associate and friend of Mrs. Braddock. When work is a lil slow...he enjoys working Mrs. Braddock.
Mrs. Robinson (Olivia Newton John) Mrs. Robinson is hopelessly devoted to the hubby. Yet, sometimes she enjoys meeting with Mr. Braddock and dressing in his tighty whities for an innocent rendevous.
Elaine Robinson (Liv Tyler) Elaine has never been the same since her one night stand with Benjamin Braddock (before he went into the slammer). She has slipped into a hopeless despair, prostituting herself for crack. Still, she has not given up her dreams of becoming Mrs. Benjamin Braddock.
Plot:
As Benjamin attempts to assimilate to life on "the outside" he finds himself uncomfortable with his options. Mr. Robinson approaches Benjamin with a job offer. But, there's a catch before the job is hisBenjamin must caress Mr. Robinson's ridiculously furry body while singing old Simon and Garfunkel tunes. Benjamin feels a little dirty but cheapens himself (afterall, this was nothing compared to his prison days). Elaine, Mrs. Robinson, and Mr. and Mrs. Braddock walk in and are stunned by what they see. Then, Elaine gets a sly look on her face and decides to indulge in some of her own kinky fantasies regarding Benjamin. Suddenly, wild things are occuring (use your imagination)! When all are exhausted, Benjamin suddenly knows what to do with his life. He exclaims: "Lets take this act on the road. We'll call ourselves the aristocrats." And they lived happily ever after...although Benjamin never made an honest woman out of Elaine.
Budget: Let's face it, Topher Grace and Olivia Newton John come pretty cheap. Because the film is directed by a hot indie newcomer the others agree to work for modest pay. The director decides to take a fresh approach and shoot the entire film on 8mm. He figures it will enhance the dirty grittiness. Total expenditure, $590,999.79.
jubydoo (Andrew Juby) says…
Without too much thought put into it...
My roommate and I have joked that it would be great to do a remake of "The Birth of a Nation", except switch race on all characters, and change any references to race into the exact opposite.
quinn (Patrick Quinn) says…
I once read that Spike Lee, while a graduate student at NYU, proposed doing something similar to a race-role-reversal of BOAN as a student film, but I think he was just tweaking NYU's famous passion for the film.
MiniMum (anonymous) says…
For those who aren't as creative as they'd like to be, there arefunny web sites that generates movie plots.... http://www.maddogproductions.com/plot...
http://www.movieplotgenerator.com/sam...
Here's the one it plotted for me:
Grapes of Wrath II
an original screenplay concept
by MiniMum
Drama: An antisocial loner teams up with a kind hearted prostitute to discover America. In the process they fall in love with a nun. By the end of the movie they run away from 25 trains and end up winning the admiration of their universe, living happily ever after. Think Gone With the Wind meets The Color Purple.
And for the mini-plot of many old movies, check out http://www.rinkworks.com/movieaminute/
That should get you going....
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says…
Minimum: Is there a breastfeeding scene at the end of your movie? (I guess to be honest I don't know if it's at the end of the old movie, either)
morganalefay (anonymous) says…
The Day They Came to Earth (The Day the Earth Stood Still)
Cast:
Klaatu: (Will Farrell) Awkward, yet endearing, Klaatu has arrived on earth with an important message, but he must speak with the world's scientists.
Gort: (Vinn Diesel) Unlike the original alien robot protector who passively stands guard by the spaceship for the duration of the movie, occasionally vaporizing objects and looking menacing, Vinn Diesel, an android, does all of this, but he kicks ass in a preemptive manner.
Helen Benson: (Sandra Bullock) Smart, sexy and able to kick ass when needed, Helen teams up with Klaatu. Though she finds Klaatu a bit odd at first, she ultimately dumps her boyfriend for him.
Bobby Benson: (Daniel Radcliffe) Nerdy teenage son of Helen spends a lot of time working on a mysterious science project in his basement. Eventually he befriends Klaatu, who helps him with his project. Then Bobby teams up with Gort to learn some ass-kicking which does wonders for his self-esteem and, hence, draws the attention of his high school crush, Caitlin, played by Lindsey Lohan.
Caitlin: (Linsay Lohan) Bobby's cute high school crush. Nothing more than that.
Tom Stevens: (Russel Crowe) Helen's seemingly attentive boyfriend eventually grows jealous of Helen's friendship with Klaatu and reveals his manipulative, conniving and thug nature. He forges a plot against Klaatu, but Gort and Bobby team up and kick his ass.
Professor Jacob Barnhardt: (William H. Macy) Highly intelligent, yet awkward and anxious professor of Astrophysics sees his theories confirmed when he encounters Klaatu and hears about the fate of Earth. He and Klaatu have a very intense and entertaining dialogue about physics over lunch at the local Denny's.
Plot:
Klaatu and his android bodyguard land in Washington, D.C. with an important message for the governments of the world. The U.S. military responds, but apparently not quickly enough. Klaatu wants to speak to the world's scientists, but is told by the government that it would be virtually impossible for that to take place because of security measures, scheduling, etc. While the government is investigating the question of how the alien spacecraft was able to land on the lawn of the White House and wasn't taken out preemptively and while they are debating whether or not this invasion is really a terrorist plot, Klaatu goes undercover, teams up with Helen, Bobby, and Professor Barnhardt to bring together the scientists of the world to discuss peace among nations and save the Earth from destruction. In the end, Klaatu decides to stay on Earth with Helen, because he fits right in, despite some of the weird alien stuff he does. They move to California, so his weird behavior isn't a problem.
Budget:
Astronomical, because of all the special effects in the excessively long intro scene when the spaceship lands, and obligatory car chases and crashes as Klaatu and Helen race around town with the professor.
cvillehawk (anonymous) says…
I feel that, by starting the contest, I've already won. But that's just because I already gave you my best idea. I guess if I cast it and all, I can still be in the contest?
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
cvillehawk: Since you started the contest, you are already a winner.
Not just metaphorically. Get in touch with me, and I'll hook you up with some sweet L.com swag. The contest remains open to others, however.
morgana: Hmmm. I'm going to have to mull that over.... Sandra Bullock's 40 now. I think Rachel McAdams would have a better shot at the role...
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1046097/?f...
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
BTW, that's not ME being biased against 40-year-old women, whom I love and adore. That's hollywood being biased.
cvillehawk (anonymous) says…
raising kane
directed by Michael Bay
Chuck Kane: Tom Cruise
Jed Leland: Brad Pitt
Jim Gettys: Max Von Sydow
Susan "Rosebud" Alexander: Kirsten Dunst
Reporter: Christian Slater
Chuck Kane (Cruise) and Jed Leland (Pitt) are a new breed of cop: brash, stylish, and irreverent. Kane is the slick, back-slapping face man. Leland is dark and brooding, with a mysterious past. They are both just one week from retirement, and need only to get through this one more case before they can call it quits for good.
But this last case is a doozy. A young nobel-prize-winning physicist (Dunst) has gone missing, and nobody seems to care. City councilman Jim Gettys (Von Sydow) calls Kane and Leland off the case, telling them "What's one dead girl to you? Why don't you just shuffle some papers for a week, you're short-timers."
Kane and Leland smell a rat, and begin an investigation that takes them to the depths of corruption on the city council. In order to find Rosebud, Kane kidnaps a bald psychic (Emily Morton) and races around the city, determined to find the girl genius before something terrible can happen to her. Several dramatic action sequences are topped by the first-ever hovercraft chase scene ever filmed, which results in the dramatic immolation-at-sea of the QE2.
In the tense coclusion, we learn that Leland has been Getty's ace-in-the-hole all along, and has been feeding information to the political boss. Kane's dramatic speech about life, love and liberty causes a change of heart in Leland, who redeems himself by giving his life to save Rosebud. Kane and Gettys face off on a catwalk that swings high above the floor of a javelin factory. After a landmark martial-arts battle featuring innovative use of "bullet time" and wire-work, Getty loses his grip and plummets to the floor, impaled by a dozen javelins. Kane quips "I told you we'd make the charges stick.... right up through your chest."
He then turns to Rosebud, who he has bickered and bantered with for the past 20 minutes, and gives her a deep, passionate kiss. As they walk away from the camera, Kane is heard to whisper "Rosebud".
Estimated budget: $1.2 billion (the QE2 don't come cheap)
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
Goddess of Oz (Wizard of Oz)
Dorothy Gale (Rachel McAdams) Dorothy is a Lawrencian with a hippie flair. She has a history of dating local band members. Unfortunately, she's now hitting men who are bandmates with her exes:
The Wizard (Philip Seymour Hoffman) The wizard is mesmerized by young, beautiful Dorothy. He will do anything in his power to make sure she does not return home:
The Scarecrow (Matt Damon) Poor scarecrow. Although dude has mesmerizing rhythm, he wants nothing more than to have some street smarts:and that requires a brain. But hey, he looks purty.
The Cowardly Lion (Jack Black) The lion lacks smoothness with the ladies. He can't so much as look at a woman without breaking into a mad sweat and becoming completely tongue tied. He needs courage so he can finally "become a man."
The Tinman (Michael Jackson:in his feature debut) The tinman has no problem loving:little boys. But, he lacks the heart to love the older kind. Oh, how he wants to change:once he gets over the denial.
Auntie Em (Kathleen Turner) Auntie Em is an unemployed free spirit encouraging Dorothy to date as many men as it takes to find the one who is capable of a major record deal. Auntie wants someone to be her "sugar nephew."
Toto (played by the cat from "Meet the Parents) Toto doesn't make it to Oz. The tornado flattens him like a pancake.
Glinda (Jennifer Garner) Glinda masquerades as a "good" witch:but no one knows her dirty little secrets:
The Wicked Witch of the West (Angelica Huston). The Wicked Witch does all in her power to marry the Wizard:so she can become the ultimate ruler of Oz.
Munchkins (random little scary kids)
Plot: Lets skip the plot. This is too time consuming. A quality cast compensates for the lack of plot line. Ultimately, Dorothy clicks her Jimmy Choo shoes and lands back in Lawrence with her new lover--Glinda the "good" witch:and they form their own band (without any dudes).
Budget: A cool 90 million. The Hollywood big boys are always eager to overspend on projects lacking plots:and with a lesbianic twist.
cfdxprt (anonymous) says…
Alright, so this is guaranteed not to win, since I violate one of the rules:
A Clockwork Orange (1971, Stanley Kubrick damn you Kubrick, you couldn't have made this movie a year earlier?)
Redone by Quinton Tarantino, he should be able to handle the ultra-violence part:
Cast:
Alex - In a career threatening move Ewan McGregor decides to take his first really controversial role since Trainspotting and chooses to become our protagonist.
Georgie Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter), I just want to see Harry Potter kick some ass without magic:
Dim Chris Penn. Yeah, he's old, but then again Dim is an idiot, so it's not too much of a stretch to figure that a 30 year old dimwit still hangs out with 14 year old boys because that's about the time his development arrested. Heck, my brain still works like a 14 year old on some subjects:
Pete Johnny Knoxville, he might be better for the Georgie character because he's more of an ass kicking machine; but in a subtle, sardonic way it would just be damn funny if he's the one who convinces Alex that's it's time to go find a wife and breed in the last chapter.
P.R. Deltoid In a bow to tradition begging and pleading are done and Malcolm McDowell accepts the true comic role in this movie. While he will go down in history as one of the most evil movie characters of all time, he actually plays a good straight man in comedic terms. Of course now he has to play a man with homosexual tendencies:
Prison Charlie Jack Nicholson, we're making a blockbuster here right?
Chief Guard Al Pacino, it was a toss up between Nicholson and Pacino for both roles, but Pacino is more high strung, and I like watching him yell at people in movies.
Girl with the nice exposed groodies that Alex really wants to feel but can't after the first "cure" is implemented Tara Reid, enough said.
2 girls who Alex rapes because they chose to skip school Brittney and Jessica, expose them for the tramps they are already.
Dr. Brodsky Me. I think I could play a mad scientist who develops something completely morally reprehensible but chooses to implement it anyways. Those actions go against the grain of my being, but what the hey - I'll be in a movie. Depending on budget, we might explore Christopher Walken for this role also...
If we get this train wreck going that far the rest of the cast will fill in as necessary:
(continued in next post)
cfdxprt (anonymous) says…
Plot:
Well, Burgess's book is by all measures a true classic. Kubrick followed the story line pretty well, so I can't change the plot too much. Since it's in the future, there should be robots everywhere, they'll serve no purpose other than every once in a while Alex and his droogs will smash one up real horrorshow. Also, since Kubrick couldn't be bothered to get a first edition English printing of the novel, we include the 21st chapter which changes the moral of the story completely. Otherwise keep the hack Hollywood screenwriters out of it, there doesn't need to be any one liners, or other crap that today's writers tend to stick in every flick, just stick to the story line darn it.
Since Taratino is directing it, in addition to people getting windows smashed over their heads, chairs broken on their backs, chains to the glazzies and pummeled by big fake penises, maybe someone loses an ear or something:I'll let him make that decision. I will instruct him that all of the fights now have to be done with Kung Fu proper English lads fighting with Kung Fu; that might be worth the price of admission right there.
Budget:
Can Hollywood make a movie anymore that doesn't cost 100 million?
Seriously, other than the robot special effects, this is a darn easy movie to make. All of the rape and ultra-violence were completely believable in the 1971 version, especially when you watch it for the first time at 9 years old (yeah, I'm scared for life from that). So, since we've got a 100 mil budget to make a 25 mil movie, Hollywood does it's first completely altruistic thing ever and pays Mr. McDowell 10 mil for his bit part, since he virtually killed his acting career for 10 years the first time around (I once read an interview where part of him regretted ever taking that role because all he could get cast as was an evil hooligan afterwards). I'm sure they'll find a way to piss away the rest of the money.
Can anyone else tell that I'm slightly bored at work today?
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
Do you think Tom Cruise would actually share the screen with Brad Pitt? Who gets top billing? Sure, he just costared with Jamie Foxx in "Collateral," but that was pre-Oscar for Foxx, when everybody was still thinking about "Booty Call." When's the last time Tom shared the screen with somebody who could get equal billing? Rainman? Color of Money? It was the 80s, I'm pretty sure.
morganalefay (anonymous) says…
Actually, it seems to me that Hollywood has been getting increasingly better about casting 40 year-old women in love-interest roles - especially "divorced Mom with teenage son" roles. Diane Lane comes to mind (not regarding the teenage son part, but the "sexy 40-year-old" divorcee). My defense for choosing Sandra Bullock is her intelligent appeal, attractiveness (despite being 40 something) and her experience with action stuff as well.
I'm not necessarily impressed with all the new "cute" actresses. Rachel McAdams seems too "young" for my idea of this role, but as you said before, Joel, your decisions are final.
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
Well of course Rachel McAdams seems to young! That's Hollywood!
Hey: Bullock is cute and Diane Lane makes me want to purr like a kitten. (Did I say that out loud?) But Hollywood tends to go for cute over depth -- am I the only one who remembers how Sandra Bullock got her start in "Demolition Man"?
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
Beatle: I'm afraid your "Oz" remake is disqualified.
First of all, Michael Jackson was already in an "Oz" remake. For God's sake, don't you remember him as the Scarecrow in The Wiz? (Great movie by the way.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078504/?...
Secondly: The whole lesbian ending places this movie squarely at Liberty Hall, not Southwind 12. And that's just not Hollywood enough!
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
I should probably do real work this afternoon...
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
Ohmigosh. Dammit Joel. How could I forget The Wiz? Don't we need to update the remake? C'mon...bend a little. The Michael Jackson twist can be a lil wink and nod towards the Wiz. I could convince Southwind to play the movie...sexual favors go a long way...(and let me clarify, I'm offering these favors to the southwind management...NOT the judge of this contest). Ya gots to put disclaimers on everything these days...one can never be too careful.
BobDarkAvenger (anonymous) says…
I honestly don't think anyone in Hollywood has the cojones to pull off Clockwork Orange like Kubrick did. He took an X rating, but you can be sure the studios would pressure any director to edit down to R. Guess we'll have to wait for the director's cut...
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
On the other hand, we did see "Sin City" at Southwind 12, BDA. I have no idea how that didn't get the NC-17 rating. But Robert Rodriguez doesn't really operate in traditional Hollywood circles...
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
Sid Luft, Judy Garland's ex-hubby has died. Hello? Cosmic sign. The Oz remake is inevitable...
Ya don't mess with the stars, man! You must reconsider...or I'm headed to your office to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" over and over again. You DON'T wanna hear me sing...it's quite nauseating...
BobDarkAvenger (anonymous) says…
I think Sin City got by with an R as most of the "objectionable" content was straight violence. Content of a sexual nature seems to be much more controversial. Not to say Sin City has no sexual content, but I'd say Clockwork Orange has more.
morganalefay (anonymous) says…
Beatle: You shouldn't be too concerned about your Oz-remake being disqualified, because you did submit another entry after all. I believe you are the only person with more than one entry. Of course, just submitting one entry is not one of the rules, but you have another one to fall back on, right?
cfdxprt: My entry also has Daniel Radcliffe kicking ass without magic. Great minds think alike, eh?
Joel: I see your point, of course, but I really think there is a trend developing - in Hollywood even - regarding the "sexy mom" or "sexy single career woman" in her late 30s / early 40s. This may be coming from TV ("Sex and the City" - how old is Kim Catrall after all? "Desperate Housewives" - don't worry - I watch none of these...I just know of them), but it is even making it to Romantic comedies, i.e. Diane Lane in "Must Love Dogs." However sad it might be for fans of the standard "cute, 20-something and blond, but without depth" characters, I see a new trend on the horizon...
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
Quick addendum to the rules: Seems I have to go to Iowa tomorrow. So judging won't start 'till Sunday evening, at the earliest. The contest continues until I can get to the derned thing.
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
I s'pose morganalefay. I guess I'll be a good sport and fuggit about it (after throwing a public temper tantrum). Thanks for helping me "see the light." ;)
cvillehawk (anonymous) says…
"Do you think Tom Cruise would actually share the screen with Brad Pitt? Who gets top billing?"
Well, he wouldn't now, but except for Von Sydow, this is the actual cast for "Interview With the Vampire".
cvillehawk (anonymous) says…
Someone needs to do the comedy version of this. Movies with Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, etc.
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
cvillehawk: Ouch. You've made an excellent point. I forgot about "Interview with a Vampire"...
But I think the larger point still holds. Except for his foray into an "arty" movie by PT Anderson, Cruise mostly goes for movies where he's Da Man.
morganalefay (anonymous) says…
Joel: That is definitely true about Cruise, but maybe one could argue that in "Interview with a Vampire" Cruise was Da Vampire. Pitt was the conflicted, brooding, reluctant anti-hero / anti-vampire after all. Cruise's Lestat pretty much ruled.