Posted
by Billy Keefe
January 28, 2007 at 10:59 a.m.
Diggery-Don't
I have lived with a lot of different folks over the years. For a while when I was in college in South Carolina my roommates and I referred to ourselves as the four D's: The Debutante, The Dwarf, The Dirty Whore and The Dyke (that's me). We were all self-described D's except for The Debutante, who preferred "high society" or "classy" or the worst, "normal."My second roommate ever was named Laureli and she had a 1.0 GPA, wore her ROTC fatigues 24/7 and once attacked me in her sleep while I was crawling into the upper bunk of our bed. Her boyfriend was an engineering nerd and had programmed every electronic device in the room to be operated by my graphing calculator. He did this without telling me. I have lived with all kinds of other queer folk, drug users, exhibitionists, radicals, conservatives, lovers, partners, men, women and everything in between. But no one has ever pissed me off quite like my new downstairs neighbors. My current troubles started one morning when I was home from work. I heard a few thuds and the crash of cymbals. A tinny beat started up and bam-ta-tin-tinned it's way up to my coffee mug. Then came the electronic whom-whom-whomp of an amped bass guitar. I had been living in the apartment for about two weeks and this was the first time I had heard my downstairs neighbors jam. I was thankful that they had been mindful enough to practice during the day while I was at work because, to be blunt, the music is really bad. It is worse than modern jazz. Do you know the scene in the first Starwars trilogy where Han, Luke and Obi-one go down into the nightclub and some funny-looking aliens are playing awful music? Yeah, it is just like that. I was content to let bygones be bygones, I mean I don't want to begrudge anyone their right to artistic expression. But, eventually, they stopped limiting themselves to playing while I was at work. It is not unusual now for me to come home, make dinner, sit down to eat and then lose my appetite when I hear the drummer warm up with a few high-hats. I HATE THIS MUSIC. The two of them know and play ONE song together. It is a horrible song. It should be stricken from the face of the earth. Additionally, one of them owns a ukulele. Yes, a ukulele. When they have finished their little impromptu set, which always sounds just as bad as the set before, one of them picks up the damn ukulele and plays the exact same song, every time. ERRR. After one week of being serenaded by the two of them every other evening at increasingly later hours of the night I finally resorted to something I had never imagined myself doing: pounding on the floor. After I stomped my feet hard in a ridiculous frustration dance akin to the rapid feet flurries my mom did to her Jane Fonda video when I was a kid the music fuddered, faded and paused for about 2 beats. Then without listening for a second thumping the drummer did a little stick-stick-stick to re-establish the beat and on again they fucking went. I thudded again but there was no more pausing. Two Wednesday's ago at 11:30 PM I finally called the landlord. I had been home sick all day and had to work the next morning. They were throwing a party and playing shitty music. After talking to the landlord they turned it down, but not off. The last straw: last Saturday I was lounging in bed in the early afternoon when I heard a low ddddddrrrrr sound. I thought to myself, "Ah, someone is running a power tool somewhere." And I envisioned my neighborhood alive with weekend home repair projects. It made me think of families and how I might have my own house and family some day.But the ddddrrrrrr-ddddddrrrrr-dddddddddddddrrrrr-dr-dr-dr kept on. Then it got louder and more confident. I thought to myself, "Man, that sounds like a diggery-do." Then a few notes later, "Fuck, that IS a diggery-do." Finally, outloud, "Those fuckers bought a goddamn, motherfucking diggery-do."While I laid in bed and listened to the diggery-do I was overcome with the urge to cut a hole in the floor of my apartment and take a shit down into their apartment. I fantasized my poop-bomb landing on their bong, or smashing into a high-hat and dripping down the side of the amp. I thought of how fun it would be to shit on their stuff every time they left the house, then close the little hole back up so that no one would really know where the shit had come from. This maybe the grossest thing I have ever fantasized doing to someone. But, I figure, they have claimed their right to shit music so, I am claiming my right to shit fantasies.
and 3 others
Comments
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clayhill70 (anonymous) says…
A diggery-do (didgerido) and a ukulele........you are soooo lucky!
Add a bonang and a pikasso and you got you some killer music.
Forget the shit hole, they'll just put up a tarp. Zyklon B's the ticket.
billy (Billy Keefe) says…
I thought my shit fantasy was pushing it so gassing them is probably too extreme. Also, I am not sure they own tarps. They would probably use batik fabrics to cover the hole, like they have used to cover the windows. I have nothing against batik, mind you, just their over-use of it.
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
"debutante", "lose" not "loose", and "Han" not "Hans".
There, I have fulfilled my asshole quota for the day....at it's only 2 am!
Otherwise, good blog. Me, I live next to Wannabe Indie Band. I get serenaded at least 3x a week by jam sessions and Death Cab knock-offs. Not to mention the godawful football games.
betwixt (anonymous) says…
Godjilla: Are you my ex? Haha. I am not sure why I always say "Hans" instead of "Han." But I blame the rest on my text editor, my rush to get my blog written on my girlfriend's birthday before she woke up and on half-hearted proof reading. Thanks for bringing up my grammar/personality problems. I will work on them dilligently.
OnShakedown (Chris Tackett) says…
godjilla missed this one: it's cymbals instead of symbols.
any idea if this is a legit band? no need outing anybody. i'm just curious bc i actually enjoy the diggery-do, though not while i'm trying to sleep :)
lori (anonymous) says…
Billy, I just want to say that I am loving your blog. It is fast becoming my numero uno on this here site (especially since lame-o Joel and Rob never find time to update their blogs hint hint).
Seriously, I really enjoy your short essays on, well, the human condition. On the little excerpts of every day life that maybe aren't extraordinary or worthy of a movie or book, but are sweet, humorous, and make me smile.
Well, the cutting a hole in the floor and craping into someone's apartment visual actually made tea come out my nose.
chrysanthalbee (chrys anthalbee) says…
lori.. i think it crapping.. not craping ;) btw, u missed a good party and we missed your company.
nice post billy, or is it betwixt? i'm confused. great poop visual!
lori (anonymous) says…
Sorry, I have a wireless key board that cuts out sometimes and on which I blame all typing (and grammatical) errors. I'm sure the keyboard needs new batteries. I swear I put two "p's" in there.
Sorry about missing the party--we are all a bit puny: sore throats, achies, fatigue. We really aren't much fun right now.
billy (Billy Keefe) says…
Lori, thanks for your note.
It is Billy. I used a Betwixt's computer to respond to check my comments this weekend. Had I realized what was going on I would have said very nice things about my own writing.
Betwixt is a bit ticked, "You posted your comment on Lawrence.com under my name. Fix it."
So, here is the funny thing about my spelling. It isn't actually due to laziness, I just have problems with dyslexia. I try very hard to hide my dyslexia because I love to read and I love to write. So, please forgive me the occasional mishap. If I have said many times that if I ever become wealthy the first thing I will do is hire a PE (personal editor). I feel this person would serve me much better than a PA (personal assistant).
billy (Billy Keefe) says…
The previous comment makes the case well for my dyslexia. I read it twice before publishing it.
betwixt (anonymous) says…
Ticked? Nope. Just alerting you to fix it so people wouldn't think I was a sock puppet.
billy (Billy Keefe) says…
OnShakedown, all I can say is I hope they are not a *real* band.
billy (Billy Keefe) says…
Betwixt, I am trying to imagine you as a sock puppet. Big smile.
scary_manilow (anonymous) says…
Death by gassing is NEVER too extreme when it comes to Hippies. Probably oughtta drop some napalm afterwards, just to make sure... Those bastards are harder to get rid of than cockroaches.