September 22, 2008
The King of Vulgaria is tickling my wrist with his overgrown mustache while his Queen hunts earwax through her wig with a jeweled hairpin. I'm trying to ignore his eyes traveling over my foliage-clad bosom long enough to smile charmingly at the three Snow Whites, two generic fairies, and one foil-armored knight who are swarming the caravan-topped giant sea turtle behind me.As far as weekend jobs go, I've certainly had worse.Back in July I was browsing Craigslist looking for a good deal on a used swingset, or, barring that, a good laugh on the "Casual Encounters" page, when I ran across an intriguing employment ad. "Fairy Queens wanted. $90 p/d plus meals." A few emails and a long-distance interview later, and here I am sweating in nine layers of taffeta petticoats and bantering with a stuffed hedgehog every weekend from Labor Day through Columbus Day at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival.Believe it or not, I've never really wanted to be a Rennie. The pay is atrocious (when and if you get paid at all), the management Nazi-esque, and the atmosphere more clique-ish than most junior high schools. But I'm not technically working for the [KC Ren Faire][1] on this gig; I'm paid by an outfit run out of Pittsburgh, PA, that's been touring a dragon puppet stage show and "Enchanted Wagon" lane act ever since its co-founder got tired of the professional costuming circuit and decided making fairy wings was more profitable. It's as much fun as I thought it would be, and harder work than I ever imagined. Which was stupid of me, really-I've done enough theater to know that the more effortless it looks, the more painful it actually is. And what looks more effortless than hanging out in glitter and diaphanous wings while ninety people a day ask you to pose for pictures?Speaking of drama-this place is better than a Flavor of Love marathon. There's all the conflict you'd expect from a hundred or more actors in one place, plus enough sexual shenanigans to make your local VD clinic counselor blush. And then there's the patrons-they treat the whores like princesses, the teenaged fairies like whores, and unless they're history buffs wondering why Henry VIII is 19 and smokin' hot while Anne Boleyn is 40 and overweight, they don't notice the Royal Court at all-well, why should they? All the women-folk are covered up.In past years I've noticed that Ren Faires have been focusing less on spectacular royal courts and more on pirates, gypsies, and whores. I blame Hollywood-it's certainly not historically accurate. Now, if we hung the pirates quayside, burned the gypsies at the stake, and put the whores on display in stocks and scold's bridles-that's history, baby, and I'll bet the admittance returns would be a damn sight more profitable, to boot.More paying customers show up in costume than I'd ever dreamed. Some are painstakingly-crafted, period-accurate works of art, while some are . . . okay, here's what I don't get. What the CRAP is the thing with tails? Not all of these people can be secret furries, but I can't turn around without bumping into a cadre of twenty-somethings sporting at least one (I've seen as many as five) fake-fur tails cascading down the cracks of their asses. I can understand the corsets-every chick secretly wants to be laced down to an 18-inch-waist with her boobs smooshed out the top of her blouse, at least for an hour or so, but . . . tails? Is this the new handkerchief code? Should I steer clear of that dude with the purple fox tail because he's into scat? Color me flat-out flabbergasted.![][2]Since my gig is ostensibly a children's show, I don't get to interact with many grownups on a daily basis, although some of the kids who I deal with are more jaded than I. At least once a show we get some overly-sophisticated little eight-year-old proudly announcing to all and sundry, "I see the wheels! Hey, there's a guy in there! That unicorn's not real, he's a puppet! Hey, everybody, this thing is a fake!" Well, of course it's a fake, you little turd-when was the last time you saw a turtle on the Discovery Channel with a gypsy caravan full of mythical creatures strapped to its shell? Don't we teach our children suspension of disbelief any more? I mean, we take them to church, don't we? Then there are the trophy-wives-in-training who march up to me and announce, "You're a fairy, you have to give me something pretty. All the other fairies gave me pretty rocks, give me a pretty rock." I have to restrain myself from congratulating their mothers on the fine little future prostitutes they're raising.But the tiny ones who toddle up to the caravan, bop the unicorn puppet on the nose, then jump in circles absolutely squealing with glee---they make up for it. So do the little girls who practically knock me down when they run across the plaza to hug me, and the kids who squeal from the wagons in which they're being towed around, "Look, mommy! That's the biggest butterfly I ever saw!" Hell, even the half-drunk middle-aged men who want their pictures taken with me and have the grace not to mention my cleavage (they're few and far between, but they exist), and the socially-awkward teenaged girls who come up to trade lame one-liners with me and the puppets-not everybody I come into contact with has lost their sense of wonder. They all make me forget about the metal wings digging into my back, the stray glitter lacerating my corneas, and the wire supports of my headdress cutting into my scalp. They remind me of why I love performing in the first place, of the bits of magic that are still left to all of us when we can forget about the obviousness of the illusion for a moment and just lose ourselves in the joy of make-believe.Hell, that's probably why the entire concept of Renaissance Faires survived the Seventies to still exist today. That, and giant smoked turkey legs. Nobody really cares about the dubious "living history" aspect, but gnawing on poultry that tastes like ham while surrounded by royalty, minstrels, pirates, and whores? I don't know how anybody can resist. [1]: http://www.lawrence.com/events/search/?q=renaissance [2]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/napalm/renfestfairy.jpg
Comments
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Joel (Joel Mathis) says...
Have you seen the folks who dress up in "Star Trek" costumes and go pretend like they're on the Renaissance Planet? That's my favorite.
September 22, 2008 at 2:08 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Joel (Joel Mathis) says...
I was being serious:http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1412/886077453_b9c29bcda7.jpg?v=0
September 22, 2008 at 2:10 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
Oh, I only wish!! If they come play at my fair, I'm going to die a happy lady ;)
September 22, 2008 at 2:20 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
pissykitty (Melissa Lynch) says...
I wonder how much they enjoyed it seeing you with a bunch of silk road travellers.It was so good to see you, my dear, and you look even more beautiful in person. I bow to you, my Fairy Queene.You rock, I don't know how you can deal with the heat in that dress, but damn. That's it. Damn.
September 22, 2008 at 2:58 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
hilary (anonymous) says...
I always see a guy dressed up like Elvis at the Ren-Fest.I'm a lover of the Ren-Fest, but mainly for the beer, and entertaining shows. I love Terry the magician, Dr. Dumpe and the Mallery Family. No jokes have changed since 1985, and I think that's what I like about it. nostalgia. Not Renaissance-nostalgia, mind you.and the Scotch eggs.
September 22, 2008 at 5:47 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
jrcowell (Jeff Cowell) says...
I must say there are a few "personalities" that I've run into at the KC RenFest that were worth chatting with a bit, and you were one. It was a pleasure to meet you and I'm glad you enjoyed the photo.J R Cowell
September 22, 2008 at 5:55 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bhdonovan (anonymous) says...
Oh, you look gorgeous in wings! We will be visiting the Renfest on October 4th, and we will search you out - I bet you are wonderful!
September 22, 2008 at 6:35 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
I WAS planning on attending (again) on October 5, but if we can all coordinate, it would be fun to descend enmasse together!
September 22, 2008 at 7:25 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
wbabbit (Will Babbit) says...
Oh man, now I HAVE to make time to go this year...
September 22, 2008 at 7:27 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
DOTDOT (anonymous) says...
CLEAVAGE!!!!!
September 23, 2008 at 8:30 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says...
this is a nice look inside the ren fest. i love going there with my kids. and joel, thanks for hipping me to the trekkie thing. that's one of the funnier things i've heard of in recent memory. but i used to dread when the sci-fi/fantasy convention would come to the hyatt regency chicago when i was working there. it ran the gamut from full battle-dress klingons to faeries to robin hood, but there was a common theme. 200 extra pounds, a no-bathing policy and the willingness to squeeze in 16 to a room. there were countless "familiars" misplaced in the hotel that week, including several rats and one boa constrictor. i would lose myself in the joy of make-believe every night with about 8 gin/tonics and twice that many bongs.
September 23, 2008 at 9:48 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
liz (Liz Weslander) says...
This was a lot of fun to read, and you look fabulous!I find that the Ren Fest puts me on edge. As an introvert, I'm not really fond of talking to strangers, so the constant threat of being approached by an Elizabethan spouting stranger that is imminent at the faire is kind of too much for me.
September 23, 2008 at 4:22 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
TheEleventhStephanie (anonymous) says...
I like yer hair.
September 23, 2008 at 5:25 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Jester (Nick Spacek) says...
Turkey legs? I cooked those for two falls in a row when in high school. I would like to advise against them. Strongly advise against them.Seriously... don't eat anything cooked by high schoolers, stored in coolers, and transported 1/2 a mile in the bed of a pickup.
September 24, 2008 at 9:09 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
Jester, don't worry. I like my poultry to taste like poultry, not pork. I limit myself to funnel cakes, pickles, and pickle juice (which the nice ladies will give you for free!!!).
September 24, 2008 at 11:11 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
zachariclark (anonymous) says...
I don't know what you're playing at here. I am part of the festival you are talking about. We (the group of gypsies that read this article on paper when it first came out) are in agreement that if you say something this rude you are never welcome to our faire again. It was highly rude. I don't know if you meant to be funny but it wasn't. "40 and overweight" is not the proper term to use to describe the hardest working person in faire. I never saw you drop 2 grand to make a costume! So watch who you're insulting and lose the bitch attitude and turn into the person you acted like at faire!
January 2, 2009 at 11:43 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
SuperGypsy15 (anonymous) says...
Hey let me just say that you are the type of entertainer who we don't like to hire because of the bashing that goes on DURING the festival season. secondly what is your problem with our faire I dont think you should be calling the queen who spent 2.5 grand on her dress alone not including the 50 dollars on beading overweight. and yeah so what we arent historically accurate if you are looking for that try brighton or others like that, Kansas City's festival is known for our clothing and hospitality, not historical accuracy, and why does it bother YOU that the audience loves the gypsies and pirates? the king was 24 actually and the queen is BEAUTIFUL and not to mention the hardest working person there, with the gypsies following close in second, Pov i agree with you entirely
January 3, 2009 at 7:12 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Inara (anonymous) says...
To all of you who read this: please take it with a grain of salt. Like the last two posters, I also work for the Kansas City Renaissance Festival - as both a performer and as part of the "Nazi-esque" management. Unfortunately, we are forced to be fairly rigid in order to provide our patrons with a good show. If we weren't rigid, performers would show up in tennis shoes and tell raunchy jokes to 5-year-olds (trust me).Oh, yes, and don't you dare pick on our Queen. She is the sweetest, most caring person in the world (plus the hardest-working person at faire), and I am lucky to count her among my friends. My dear fairy princess, if it is all so horrible as you say, please don't bother gracing us with your presence. Ever.
January 3, 2009 at 10:53 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
DOTDOT (anonymous) says...
Good god.Misty doesn't need me to defend her, so take it for what it's worth.I read this post months ago, and it made me feel like visiting the renfest, which is generally against my religion - and quite a drive. But after reading these last few posts, I'll pass for the future.Firstly, Misty didn't insult your queen. She was poking light hearted fun at the history buffs. Learn to read.Secondly, the entire post was a tribute to the hard work that you all put in. Despite her misgivings, (which, by the way, I share 200%), she had a good time. "They remind me of why I love performing in the first place, of the bits of magic that are still left to all of us when we can forget about the obviousness of the illusion for a moment and just lose ourselves in the joy of make-believe."I won't bother being my usual asshole self and point out how ridiculous your posts are. except to say that "please don't bother gracing us with your presence. Ever." as a proof of "Nazi-esque management" is about as knee slapping beautiful as it gets. And it is "fair". Learn to read, learn to spell, and everybody can get along just fine.
January 3, 2009 at 11:36 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
DOTDOT (anonymous) says...
SURPRISE!! The three of you created profiles today for the collectively misguided purpose of harassing Misty on these blogs. Musta been a good party.Take my advice. Remain anonymous. Slither away before you cause any more embarassment to the renfest. And Inara, punishment should be in order for zach for using his possible real name. The Führer will not approve of this.
January 3, 2009 at 11:58 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
pirateking (anonymous) says...
First off, let me say that as a KC Renfest performer and most definitely NOT a member of management, that Misty is spot on in her observations. I only got to speak with her out of character a couple times, but I enjoyed her company immensely.I don't know specifically who these three are, but they are obviously some of brainwashed, sycophantic gypsies the Entertainment Director has surrounded himself with. Pretty much everyone I know is fed up to their eyes with the damn gypsies. They're treated like royalty while the court and villagers are treated like slaves. Shouldn't that be the other way around? Sure they draw some big crowds. Crowds of squealing teeny-boppers and drooling cougars, but I digress....DotDot, you're also spot on in that they're reaction proves Misty's point. I can understand some of the reasons they got so upset though. The woman who played Anne Boleyn is a very sweet person and far from being 40, for one. The main reason, however, is that far too many rennies draw too much of their identities from the characters they play, or worse, forget that they're playing a role.
January 4, 2009 at 10:14 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
Okay, first off--I never met the lady who played Anne Boleyn this year, but I have heard nothing but wonderful things about her. I'm terribly sorry if my mild snark hurt her feelings--what I wrote was nothing I wouldn't say, or haven't said, about myself, and was meant in good humor. I was told that she was neither petty nor insecure enough to get her knickers in a serious knot over this piece, and I hope that's true.Other than that, though . . . wow. Just . . . wow. Seriously, folks, if I had wanted to be bitchy or even a little bit truly mean, I certainly had both the material and the audience. This was meant to be rather light-hearted--even saccharine, compared to my usual style--and my regular readers recognized it as such. Hell, a whole lot of folks who *aren't* my regular readers but have an actual sense of humor and perspective recognized that, as well. I was approached by *dozens* of people, performers and patrons alike, who had genuinely enjoyed this piece, and I've been told that despite the fact that the entertainment director wants my head on a platter, the Faire's general manager has no problem with me or what I wrote, and in fact thinks it's pretty vanilla compared to some of the dubious publicity and reviews they've gotten over the years.But you know, this is one of the reasons I'm not as involved in theatre as I was when I was a teenager--I enjoy the craft immensely, but not so much a lot of the people it attracts. Most are good-natured, pleasant individuals, but it's always the ones who take themselves waaaay too seriously who ruin the experience for me . . .PirateKing, thanks for the defense. I got the feeling that a lot of faire performers share your reasonable outlook and sense of humor on this subject.
January 5, 2009 at 12:03 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
betso_sketso (anonymous) says...
Great Post...I'm excited to go to renfest this year...haven't been for years. It's to bad that certain individuals (the three stooges) chose to focus on what I see as the least important message of this piece and have totally missed the boat.
September 7, 2009 at 11:03 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )