Red/Blue

The lists below were forwarded to me by my morning partner, Tom Fricke, who is the station's program director and attracts quite a lot of fun e-mail. The lists are no doubt flying about the 'Net in vast numbers, I can't resist posting them. Feel free to send them along.HOW TO QUALIFY AS A LIBERAL:1. You must believe that, in the US, the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.2. You must believe that the same teacher who cannot teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.3. You must believe that guns in the hands of law abiding Americans are more of a threat, than US nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese & North Koreans.4. You must believe that there were no "arts" before federal funding.5. You must believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical & documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.6. You must believe that welfare has not created generations of fatherless families.7. You must be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.8. You must believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.9. You must believe that hunters do not care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.10. You must believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.11. You must believe that the military start wars, not corrupt politicians.12. You must believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the US Constitution, and the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the US Constitution.13. You must believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.14. You must believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee and Thomas Edison.15. You must believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas are not.16. You must believe that Hillary Clinton is quite normal and really a very nice person.17. You must believe conservatives telling the truth belonged in jail, but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.18. You must believe that pornography should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.19. You must believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interests of the United States.20. You must believe that this list is part of a vast right wing conspiracy. HOW TO QUALIFY AS A CONSERVATIVE:1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.11. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Comments

Snoop 17 years, 6 months ago

AAARRRG IM A LIBERAL , I think:.

A person who favors a political philosophy of progress and reform and the protection of civil liberties Sure why not:

A person who favors an economic theory of laissez-faire and self-regulating markets.

Yup

Showing or characterized by broad-mindedness; "a broad political stance"; "generous and broad sympathies"; "a liberal newspaper"; "tolerant of his opponent's opinions"

Naw, If you don't agree with me, YOU SUCK!, Just kidding.

Having political or social views favoring reform and progress.

Yup

Tolerant of change; not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy, or tradition. Sure

Not literal; "a loose interpretation of what she had been told"; "a free translation of the poem"

Yup

In political speech now in the U.S. a liberal is a person who believes it is the duty of government to ameliorate social conditions and create a more equitable society. Liberals favor generous spending on the welfare state; they exhibit a concern for minorities, the poor, and the disadvantaged and often see these conditions as a product of social injustices rather than individual failings.

Hell No! Liberals want to use others money, concern for minorities?! Sure we have concerns for animals as long as they are in cages. So we create ghettos and hand out food stamps and we call that concern.

A person who has conservative ideas or opinions Whatever that means

Resistant to change I like when a new CD, video game comes out, and I can wait for the new fall season.

Opposed to liberal reforms Stop taking my money

Avoiding excess; a conservative estimate Too much to drink, we only need 3 kegs not 4

Unimaginatively conventional; "a colorful character in the buttoned-down, dull-gray world of business"- Newsweek Nope not me.

Conforming to the standards and conventions of the middle class; a bourgeois mentality In Marxist theory, a member of the property-owning class; a capitalist.

I own a really cool car, does that count

In design and analysis, a conservative model or a conservative assumption is one that departs from accuracy in such a way that it reduces the chances of a false-positive assessment of the feasibility of the system in question. Conservative assumptions overestimate problems and underestimate capabilities.

"Mom, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get a D this semester"

A conservative risk assessment estimates high-end risk rather than low-end risk. A conservative risk assessment should not underestimate risk and, therefore, will indicate risk to most species of plants and animals.

Only 5000 or so dead in Iraq, see we aren't there yet

A conservative is a person to the right of center on the U.S. political spectrum. Of the two main political parties, the Republican Party is regarded as being the more conservative. Conservatives tend to uphold tradition and oppose major changes in laws and institutions.

Say hey for the smoking ban!!!

scarlett 17 years, 6 months ago

And, like, let's talk about libertarians cause I suspect I might be one...there are many shades of grey, and labels don't fit every opinion a person is made of. I look forward to next blog re: all those shades of grey, could be very humerous...

OtherJoel 17 years, 6 months ago

I like a liberal dose of ketchup on my freedom fries.

Shelby 17 years, 6 months ago

The last thing I'm going to do with regard to you is reitterate that I'm not a christian, so other people on here who I respect don't get confused. Have fun, Jimmy!

OtherJoel 17 years, 6 months ago

Yeah, that ketchup thing is pretty crazy. I heard that the Heinz corporation itself has given far more to Republican campaigns than they have Democrats. I'll bet they are pissed at Teresa right about now.

MAMAT 17 years, 6 months ago

Here here. Labels are a shell game. Politicians use them to keep simple minds busy with trivial thoughts, so they don't notice what is really going on. I would love a world where those making laws could only do so if/when the laws they pass apply to themselves (only or also); E.g. Only women get to pass laws concerning having babies, only people with kids going off to war get to start any wars, only people paying full taxes get to set rules for taxes, etc. I think that might cut down on the number of laws, rules, opinions and things that impact THOSE people! Sounds like Robert Heinline is writing some of this from his grave:

FROM "THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS"

"It strikes at the most basic human right, the right to bargain in a free market place." p25

"Private where private belongs, public where it's needed, and an admission that circumstances alter cases." p62

"A rational anarchist believes that concepts such as ~state' and ~society' and ~government' have no existence such as physically exemplified in the acts of self-responsibility individuals. He believes that it is impossible to shift blame, share blame, distribute blame ... as blame, guilt, responsibility are matters taking place inside human beings singly and nowhere else. But being rational, he knows that not all individuals hold his evaluations, so he tries to live perfectly in an imperfect world ... aware that his effort will be less than perfect yet undismayed by self-knowledge of self-failure." p62

"Do this. Don't do that. Stay back in line. Where's tax receipt? Fill out form. Let's see license. Submit six copies. Exit only. No left turn. No right turn. Queue up and pay fine. Take back and get stamped. Drop dead - but first get permit." p63

"But I will accept any rules that you feel necessary to your freedom. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them to obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do." p63

"First, what is it you want us to pay taxes for? Tell me what I get and perhaps I'll buy it." p184

"In past history popularly elected governments have been no better and sometimes far worse than overt tyrannies." p229

"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him." p230

"The power to tax, once conceded, has no limits; it continues until it destroys." p231

"Seems to be a deep instinct in human beings for making everything compulsory that is forbidden." p287

The hardest part about gaining any new idea is sweeping out the false idea occupying that niche. As long as that niche is occupied, evidence and proof and logical demonstration get nowhere. But once the niche is emptied of the wrong idea that has been filling it - once you can honestly say, I don't know, then it becomes possible to get at the truth. --Robert A. Heinlein

sallyride 17 years, 6 months ago

Man, Shleeb, I can't believe you busted out the O'Reilly topic again. There are definitely gray areas, and people SHOULD think for themselves...we can only hope people don't take their political views straight from Rush(!), O'Reilly, or Michael Moore, for that matter. The biggest question is, what 'information' can you really trust?

The self-righteous, don't question my authority, we're the best nation in the world, we're the biggest bully on the playground stuff didn't work in first grade, why does the Bush administration think it works now?

Rob Gillaspie 17 years, 6 months ago

Question:

Why is it always "liberal/conservative"? There are points in between, not everything is black or white. The either/or mentality is what keeps us trapped with a two party system, y'know? And I think we've all seen what a bang up job both parties have done for us lately. Why sin't there room for a third or fourth mindset on your list?

Rob Gillaspie 17 years, 6 months ago

"Your" in that comment was abstract-- it wasn't directed towrds you, Quinn, just the readers in general.

Rob Gillaspie 17 years, 6 months ago

Snoop makes me horny for Budweiser, frisbee golf, and Pantera. Not in a good way, either.

Rob Gillaspie 17 years, 6 months ago

Wow! Roscie and I agreed on something-- that description of Libertarians fits my viewpoint to a T.

Jason Barr 17 years, 6 months ago

I laughed and it made me feel good. Really good. -jbarr

Shelby 17 years, 6 months ago

I'll bite. I'm more conservative than liberal, that's for certain. Affirmative action and abortion are very wrong and backward, as far as I'm concerned, but I get kinda liberal when it comes to the environment. The religious righteousness of the right scares me, but so does the near-militant atheism of the left. I tend to find a lot of what O'Reily and Rush say intelligent and agreeable, but some of it is pretty damn lame, and people like Michael Savage are a menace to society. But that's just me. So I'll agree that anyone of black-or-white leanings isn't thinking for themselves.

Shelby 17 years, 6 months ago

I didn't want to get into this. If I did, Jimmy, you would know it real quick. I don't think that was the intention of this blog.

Shelby 17 years, 6 months ago

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...

Shelby 17 years, 6 months ago

Jimmy_Olsen--if that IS your real name--don't flatter yourself. Do you actually think I haven't heard your arguments before? Listen loud and clear: I don't WANT to argue about it. If I did, it would be very clear to you, so why do you persist? I'm quite sure we're not going to change each other's mind. Give it a rest. Your only making yourself look like a 12-year-old. Almost all of my friends are very liberal, like you. They actually seem to like me! This world is full of people who disagree with you. Perhaps it's time to start acting like a grown-up.

Love, Scabby/Scabies/Stumpy/Shabby/Smelly/Poo- Poo Head/Dummy-Face/Stupid-Head/Shelby

Aufbrezeln Eschaton 17 years, 6 months ago

No room for a third or fourth mindset because black-and-white makes for good comedy, which is, at heart, what this is. Remember Quinn told us this was a forward he recieved, by the way. I think the third and fourth and fifth mindsets are going to be loudly voiced here in the comment section. . . .

Aufbrezeln Eschaton 17 years, 6 months ago

But have you heard? There's now "W" brand ketchup, just for Republicans, because apparently all other ketchup brands support evil Democrats because Kerry's wife got rich off her food-mogul husband kicking the bucket. . . or something. . . http://www.wketchup.com/

OtherJoel 17 years, 6 months ago

And for the record, as if my condiment choice didn't already refect it, left to moderate independent. Today, anyway. Here's my tirade on the political establishment (again):

I had a Green Party stage for a while until I went to vote one year and guy reeking of BO and pot handed me a flyer for their (Virginia) delegate candidate. While I personally could care less whether the guy likes to toke up or not, how hard is it to lay off the bong, shower and try to look presentable when you're trying to win folks to your cause? I realize they want to buck convention and send a populist message, but if you want to be a voice in the halls of power, you have to get in the door first.

The Democratic Party is dominated by elitist self-proclaimed "liberals" (I loathe that word as it has been bastardized in the contemporary lexicon by both sides), that while they prattle on about how much they will do for "everyday people," they really have no idea what its like to live paycheck-to-paycheck, as many of us do. John Edwards came from humble beginnings, but for the last 20 years or so he has been rolling in the dough. While I like him more than most, I would guess he probably no longer has a real sense of what it feels like to be broke. I don't care so much that they are rich, but to claim that they "understand" these problems? Please.

Then we have the post-Reagan Republicans. A bunch of trust-fund babies, corporate crooks, and religious fundamentalists. Note the "post-Reagan" caveat. While I would have been against Nixon had I been of voting age, much less born, in 1968, his Presidency saw the Clean Air Act, the creation of the EPA, and people paid more in taxes -- especially the rich. Sure he was a paranoid lunatic, but some good policy came out of his Presidency. Can't say that for the last 3 1/2 years. The conservative message itself isn't a bad idea - less government, conserving the status quo (when it is working), lower taxes (assuming that our basic needs are met), and the nourishment of personal responsibility. Government can become bloated and inefficient, and a true conservative presence in the government could be a very productive thing. But aside from taxes, I see none of that from those politicians that currently claim this label.

Oh, and I'm pro-choice. But beyond that, I know I won't change any minds here, so that's all I want to say about it.

lazz 17 years, 6 months ago

You know what else is a good word? Radical. Look it up. or I'll save you the trouble: "Arising from or going to a root or source; basic." From the Latin, meaning "root." Seems to me to be a better term -- relative to "liberal" and "conservative" -- for what a lot of us are feeling these days, as our world spins wildly out of control ...

Rob Gillaspie 17 years, 6 months ago

I dunno, Shelby, I don't think anyone with a penis has any right to call abprtion "backewards," seeing as how it's an experience that you've never had and a decison that you'll never have to make. It's weird to me that most of the people I know who aggressively oppose abortion are male. It doens't really click in my head, seeing as how none of us have the necessary plumbing to get knocked up in the first place.

Roscoe 17 years, 6 months ago

Let me drop a bomb for all of you... I am definitly a liberal conservative. I don't have pre-marital sex, now I'm married. I don't do coacaine, I just like the way it smells. Murder; I knew we had nothing in common cause Budweiser, Pantera and Frisbees make me horny. Here Snoopy, come here boy, Big Daddy wants to play. Libertarians are just Republicans that smoke pot and don't shave- or work.

counterlife 17 years, 6 months ago

"For nonconformity the world whips you with its displeasure" - from Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay entitled "Self Reliance". Good luck to all who inhabit or are at least aware of that world between black and white, assuming, of course, that either of those concepts exist, except as evolutionary adaptations to our human awareness of death as the inevitable and utterly unpredictable (no matter how spiritual we claim to be) conclusion to lives we did not choose. But generalization (like that represented by the listed descriptions of "liberals" and "conservatives") is death itself, and, worse than that, boring. Alas, a happy place for many. But why choose to hang out with boring intellectual and moral death before you are made to? Regards to those who enjoy (or at least are not afraid of) the grey zone. It can be, but is by no means always, interesting in there. I don't know about you, but for me, interesting is about the only thing that sustains. Mr. Quinn: thanks for the alleged "opposites" lists - it is sometime hard to find the differences. My generalization: Everyone enjoys generalizing about others and we would all be better off to stop it. Particularize, particularize, particularize. It's fun. You will like it - maybe.

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