Hulk Throw Bear!
Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dem: Hangover Edition
History was made in Denver as Barack Obama accepted the Democratic presidential nomination...thank God there are photos, because I was too Rocky Mountain high to remember any of it. ![][1]
This gent was arrested after getting into a fight with neo-Nazis in one of the "free speech zones." Hilarity and paramilitary force ensued.![][2]
I don't know who was more eager for the tear gas to fly, the throng of reporters pissed off they missed the WTO riots in Seattle and who desperately wanted a "Denver In Chaos!" headline, or the anarchists who were cheerily obliging them by screaming "Fuck the police!" through their stylish and photo-op ready gas masks. ![][3]
The Hill-billies parade through downtown, giving lazy journalists another excuse to trot out the "Divided Dems" storyline...![][4]
...and John Oliver from "The Daily Show" is there to piss on said parade. ![][5]
"We, from the great state of The Orgy Scene from 'Eyes Wide Shut,' proudly cast our vote for swallowing your soul!"![][6]
This is from the rally for Hillary delegates in which she, as a matter of arcane convention procedure, officially released them from supporting her. She reiterated her support for Obama and, if you look closely, you can actually see her throwing up a little in her mouth.![][7]
The view from inside the Pepsi Center. It turns into "Lord of the Flies" whenever those signs and little flags are passed out to the audience...party unity and speaking to the better angels of humanity turns into "Give me a 'Biden' sign, you twat-faced piece of shit!"![][8]
They don't call him "The Kooch" for nothing.![][9]
Now that's just inappropriate...he can't even eat those since he's Muslim. Show some sensitivity to the man's heathen faith, people.![][10]
Invesco before...![][11]
...Invesco after.![][12]
Name this the Best Hat of Infinite Earths? Yes we can.Polish off the left over donkey punch and keep abreast of our live bitching [on Twitter][13]!And if you're a glutton for punishment, drunkenly stumble down memory lane with our [first collection of convention photos!][14] [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [2]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [3]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [4]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [5]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [6]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [7]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [8]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [9]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [10]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [11]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [12]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [13]: http://twitter.com/lcom [14]: http://www.lawrence.com/blogs/punditocracy/2008/aug/26/denver/
Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dem
![][1]
It was truly heartwarming to see that Kansas was represented in Denver. It's like I drove 600 miles to get to Topeka. One love, Westboro! One love! ![][2]
"Demo Fags"? I'm not sure I gather what you're...oooohhhhh, I see what you did there. You win this round of wit and wordplay, Phelps!![][3]
"I CAN HAS PRESS CRUDENSHULS?"![][4]
Anarchist ninjas:you smell them before you see them. Silent but lethal.![][5]
Mars delegation.![][6]
The PUMAs are buying these as pin cushions. ![][7]
You ever get that feeling someone's following you?![][8]
The only thing these pens can write is "2012."![][9]
Bling you can believe in.![][10]
"McCain's unilateral foreign policy and regressively untenable tax code get my grits a sizzlin'!"![][11]
The real reason I came.![][12]
The "Big Tent." A blogger haven erected by Daily Kos and a host of other online hipsters. The woman on the right just saw my "Traditional Media" credentials and proceeded to hock one up on me.![][13]
Ariana Huffington was shocked to find those "art" photos from college resurface on Craigs List.![][14]
New York Times columnist Paul Krugman does a killer version of "Unskinny Bop."![][15]
If the ESPN Zone falls, the terrorists have won.![][16]
I'm sorry, but that's fucking cute.![][17]
But not as fucking cute as this guy.![][18]
Cleaning up after John Edwards is a snap!Thus concludes [Day 1 at the Convention][19]. More DNC Donkey Punch to come here and [via twitter][20]! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to breakfast with Sebelius.... [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/g... [2]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [3]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [4]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [5]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [6]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [7]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [8]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [9]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [10]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [11]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [12]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [13]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [14]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [15]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [16]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [17]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [18]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/... [19]: http://www.lawrence.com/photos/galleries/2008/aug/26/dncc/flash [20]: http://twitter.com/lcom
Rage Boner
Two things you should know about me:1. I love Batman. It's a borderline infantile obsession for which I should probably take medication. 2. I hate George W. Bush. It's a borderline infantile obsession for which I should probably take medication.So when the Wall Street Journal published an editorial last week called [ "What Bush and Batman Have in Common,"][1] I nearly bust a nut of black, foaming apoplexy.A choice nugget of this bile porn:"There seems to me no question that the Batman film "The Dark Knight," currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war. Like W, Batman is vilified and despised for confronting terrorists in the only terms they understand. Like W, Batman sometimes has to push the boundaries of civil rights to deal with an emergency, certain that he will re-establish those boundaries when the emergency is past."You hear that grinding noise? That's my teeth grating themselves down to bloody nubs. I'm sputtering bone shards and spittle.I don't even know where to begin with this...this emotional larceny. (Tip o' the '90s-pop-culture-reference hat to Caterina and "Singles.")Firstly, did this shriveled polyp from within Rupert Murdoch's editorial anus actually see "The Dark Knight"? Did he not catch how the stripping away of civilization and morality was the entire point of the Joker's terror plot? Did he kind of just gloss over how torture and surreptitious surveillance was portrayed as a victory for fear and paranoia? Was he too busy entertaining his adolescent power fantasies of George W. Bush as Superman, rescuing him in full Lois Lane drag from the insidious Islamomexigays, to pay attention?I love how these conservative pussies, who apparently live in a constant fetal position amid their poly-bagged back issues of "Conan the Barbarian," believe the only way we can preserve our freedom is to pre-emptively destroy it. When you combine that sniveling cowardice with the homo-erotic fetishization of Bushman, you get this kind of fascist nit-wittery.The only thing George W. Bush has in common with Batman is that they each have alter egos who are petulant rich kids with self-destructive daddy issues.Jesus...I could punch a nun holding a basket of kittens, I'm so pissed. [1]: http://online.wsj.com/article_print/SB121694247343482821.html
*Giggle* “Fudge” *Titter*
BWAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! [
][1] Gasp Let me catch my breath...okay. BWAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (Wiping tear from my eye) Oh, that never gets old. Just for comparison: [
][2] [1]: http://www.badongo.com/pic/4066667" target="_blank [2]: http://www.badongo.com/pic/4066666" target="_blank
GOP: “We’re F*cked.”
That's an exact quote from a ["prominent Republican strategist."][1] Why so glum? Well, because they pretty much are fucked.This particular apparatchik is brown-panting because Barack Obama has completely neutered John McCain's supposed foreign policy advantage. This is cause for concern in GOP ranks because foreign policy was one of the few arrows remaining turgid in McCain's otherwise limp larded quiver. Obama's "Monsters of Barack '08" world tour has established the first term senator from Illinois as a global phenomenon as serious as Spanish flu and all but erased McCain from the headlines-and pretty much from this dimension of reality-faster than [Bob Novak can flee the scene of a hit and run.][2]It's not just the all consuming, mostly fawning media coverage and tweenie-bopper squeals emitted by world leaders in his presence that have made Obama's trip the stuff of political strategist's wet dreams. A whole series of events have unfolded to make this "The Most Fucked Week Ever" (airing this fall on VH1) for John McCain's campaign. Some fuckable highlights:-Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki [endorsed Obama's troop withdrawal schedule.][3] The White House has basically agreed. I don't care if you call it a "timeline horizon" or "Poppin' Fresh muffins," what you really call it is "fucked" for John "100 Years In Iraq" McCain.-Obama has long argued that invading Iraq was a terrible decision, in part, because of [ distracted us from Afghanistan.][4] A recent flare up in violence in Afghanistan has borne this out, to the point where Defense Secretary Robert Gates and top U.S. Commander in Iraq David Petraeus are now considering troop redeployments from Iraq to Afghanistan. Obama looks far sighted, McCain looks far fucked. -John McCain, in an [interview with "Good Morning America"][5] where he was desperately trying to remind the world that he exists, said that Iraq and Pakistan share a border. They don't. Iraq is about 1,500 miles from Pakistan. Combine this senior moment with his [confusing of Sunni and Shiite Muslims][6], and McCain is sharing a border with Wearefuckedistan.-McCain, in an [interview with CBS News][7] as part of the same "I'm not dead yet" tour, totally screwed up and/or intentionally lied about the time line of the troop surge in Iraq. He suggested that the "Sunni Awakening," a tribal purging of militants which most experts say led to the recent decrease in violence in Iraq, began as a result of the surge. Nope. The surge came four months AFTER the start of the awakening. McCain's awakening was quickly followed by a fuckening.So, unless Obama accidentally says "Your mother eats hairy fat beavers" in German while addressing a million swooning Berliners, this week of a thousand fucks will continue unabated for John McCain. [1]: http://marcambinder.theatlantic.com/archives/2008/07/almalikis_announcement_a_big_d.php [2]: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/07/23/robert-novak-taken-into-p_n_114510.html [3]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__rb3q... [4]: http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5iPL5GHfemQzfQ6E0beKlIw5AVtTQ [5]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVfU8g8dlNg [6]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkfM7z... [7]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32i3pL...
Barackiavelli
You know that New Yorker issue? You know, the [one with the cover that was so offensive][1] it will single handedly obliterate civil rights and bring Jesse Helms back from the dead because it gives him such a zombie boner? Well, there was also an article to go along with it.If you so choose, [click yonder.][2]Now here's a [New York Times piece that covers virtually the same territory.][3]The Times piece seems to come away with a far less cynical view. Instead of the Obama-as-crass-opportunist portrayal we see in the New Yorker piece, we're treated to the Obama-as-ultimate-pragmatist angle. Just goes to show you what a difference a reporter's slant can make (and the difference a single pissy source can make).Funny isn't it? Not as funny as McCain's primate rape jokes, granted, but still chuckle worthy. [1]: http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2008-07/41005748.jpg [2]: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/07/21/080721fa_fact_lizza [3]: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/11/us/politics/11chicago.html?pagewanted=all
O-gasms
First up, Obama speaks to his campaign headquarters staff last week after clinching the nomination. It's about as unguarded a moment we'll likely ever see from him: Second, an older clip from back when he was rounding up super delegates on Capitol Hill. Imagine the "The West Wing" crossed with D.A. Pennebaker's "Don't Look Back": Bonus O-gasm: [][1] [1]: http://www.badongo.com/pic/3758812 target="_blank
Anal Veepage
Who's going to fill the "In Case of National Tragedy, Break Glass" position? Since McCain's age can only be estimated using carbon dating and a geologic time scale, his ability to outwit the Reaper over the course of a 4 year term has been called into question. And since Hillary's been kind enough to (repeatedly) point out that Obama's brain might eat a lead sandwich, the question also warrants consideration on the Democratic side. And now, in no particular order, a run down of prospective Vice Presidents based on nothing more than mescaline fueled speculation and entrails: REPUBLICANS*3. Bobby Jindal Louisiana governor who met with McCain at a little "nothing to see here" pow wow this past weekend at John and Cindy's pretend dude ranch. Jindal, as an Indian-American, is brown. Imagine the push-polling if Karl Rove were still in the game-"How would you feel about John McCain if you knew his potential running mate was a slobbering, scalp-collecting Injun?" Jindal is young, freaky conservative and would provide a touch of diversity. This would offset the perception that McCain is old, politically inconsistent and painfully white. On the other hand, Jindal's full name is Piyush Subhaschandra Amrit Jindal-try selling that, and the fact he was raised Hindu until converting to Catholicism in his teens, to the Hagee/Parsley/Apocalypse Now base of the party. 2. Mitt Romney Another member of the Iron John weekend retreat. Despite the palpable, frothy loathing McCain exuded towards Mitt over the course of the primary season, time-and political expediency-heals all. Romney has a lot of support in the corporate and social conservative factions of the GOP, who still mistrust McCain. His telegenic virility might also serve as boner juice to the flaccid and wrinkled McCampaign. Then again, he's Mitt Romney. The guy's utter inability to maintain a principled position on any topic is legendary, which would only highlight McCain's recent pandering. His inept primary campaign was a running punchline and he would no doubt provide more yuks in the general. Also, Mormon.1. Tim Pawlenty The Minnesota governor is the leading contender at this point. He's popular in the battleground state where he serves, has executive experience as governor and is not hated by anyone in particular. Basically, he's coma-inducing and safe-the perfect recipe for a mostly symbolic fluffer position. Honorable mentions: Charlie Crist-Popular Florida Governor, probably gay. John Thune-South Dakota Senator, man-pretty. Sarah Palin-Governor of Alaska, kind of crazy. Mike Huckabee-Evangelical superstar, totally crazy. Rob Portman-Former Ohio congressman, have no idea who he is. Condoleeza Rice-Historic pick as first black female VP, Bush in drag.DEMOCRATS*3. Jim Webb This bulging sack of testosterone from the swing state of Virginia would add instant military cred to the Obama campaign. He's a decorated Vietnam vet, former Secretary of the Navy under Reagan and a tireless champion of enlisted men and women while serving in the Senate. With that amount of resume firepower as cover, he's a great spokesperson for ending the war in Iraq and economic justice-two issues Webb is passionate about and synch up well with Obama's platform. The only problem with Webb is that he's kind of a walking hard-on. He opposed women in combat with a 1979 column called "Women Can't Fight" and has been quoted as saying that the Naval Academy is "a horny woman's dream." That's going to turn off a lot of Hillary supporters who already accuse Obama of being Ike Turner-meets-cervical cancer.2. Hillary Clinton There's an outside chance she'll successfully wield her ardent supporters and the specter of a divided convention as blackmail to get on the ticket. Her surrogates, including Bill, have been arguing that she's earned it by energizing so many women and racists. She's brilliant, has a massive political machine, and could help unite the rift in the Democratic party. Conversely, she's mostly responsible for that rift, sticking her thumb in the wound and twisting it with pathological abandon. Her baggage, including Bill, would be a daily distraction for Obama. Besides, how comfortable would you be sharing a stage with someone who has insinuated you're a sexist Muslim retardate that would allow terrorists to incinerate your children? Of course, if you're assassinated before then it's a moot point. 1. Kathleen Sebelius This Kansas cougar is stalking bigger game than the governor's office. Our very own Silver Fox is an outspoken Obama booster and has been climbing short lists ever since she delivered the State of the Union response on national television. You know she's a serious candidate when Robert Novak, Douchebag of Liberty, [is taking pot-shots at her for being too liberal.][1] For those of us that actually live in Kansas, that's kind of laughable, but it's an indicator that she's feared by Republicans as a strong running mate who could help propel Obama into the White House. She's a centrist Democrat who's proven over the course of two terms in bleeding red Kansas that she can appeal to conservatives, and she's managed to do it despite staking out progressive positions on a few issues, notably eco-stuff. Her appointment would have the benefit of helping persuade dejected Hillary boosters that Obama isn't opposed to the very concept of women's suffrage. Her main drawbacks as a running mate are that she's not exactly a public speaking dynamo (see her State of the Union response) and she doesn't deliver her home state (she might make Kansas competitive in November, but come on-it's still Brownback territory). Of course, she doesn't need to be the second coming of rock and roll Jesus on the stump-Obama has more than enough electric Kool Aid for the both of them-all she needs to do is be a competent surrogate who won't stray from talking points. Her very lack of unpredictability (some might say her surplus of boring) may be one of her strongest assets.Honorable mentions: Sam Nunn-Former Georgia senator, really old. Tim Kaine-Virginia governor, Jesus-y. Ted Strickland-Ohio governor, might provide Diebold-proof majority in his state. Claire McCaskill-Missouri senator, not evil. Wesley Clark-Former NATO commander and Clinton supporter, dreamy. [1]: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/25/AR2008052502275.html
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