Posted
by Gavon Laessig
February 22, 2007 at 4:49 a.m.
Oscars Schnockering Game & Live Blogging!
Get your pre-ceremony swerve on with the [Punditocracy Oscars Preview podcast][1], and check back here on Sunday night as we live blog this glorious, ego-maniacal circle jerk known as The Academy Awards!Pre-ShowIf a host asks, "Who are you wearing?"-1 Drink
If a celebrity promotes their upcoming project-1 Drink
If Al Gore gets asked if he's running for president-3 Drinks If he says "Yes"-Chug
If a celebrity shows up with their parents-2 Drinks If a celebrity spouse is old enough to be that celebrity's parent (e.g. Michael Douglas/Cathering Zeta Jones or Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins)-2 Drinks
If anyone is wearing obnoxious jewelry-1 Drink If anyone involved with "Blood Diamond" is wearing obnoxious jewelry-3 Drinks
Gratuitous cleavage-2 Drinks Women wearing men's clothing-2 Drinks
Men wearing women's clothing-Chug**Show-showEvery time a previous host of the Oscars appears or is mentioned in the opening comedy bit-1 Drink If Al Gore appears in the opening bit-3 Drinks Brittney Spears joke-1 Drink Anna Nicole Smith joke-3 Drinks Al Gore joke-1 Drink President Bush joke-1 Drink Hillary Clinton, Barrack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, or John McCain joke-1 Drink Gay joke -1 Drink Tim Hardaway joke-1 Drink If a presenter flubs their line off of the teleprompter-2 Drinks If a presenter awkwardly kisses the recipient-1 Drink If Clint Eastwood kisses Martin Scorsese-Chug If a recipient thanks God or their agent-1 Drink If a recipient is cut off by the orchestra (Hardcores keep drinking as long as the music is playing while the recipient is speaking)-1 Drink Every time the show ham-fistedly jumps to a shot of a minority during a minority themed moment (e.g. If Penelope Cruz wins Best Actress and we're shown a reaction shot for no particular reason of Antonio Banderas)-2 Drinks If a recipient gives a political acceptance speech-2 Drinks If a recipient cries-2 Drinks If a loser is visibly pissed off on camera-3 Drinks If you know who the person is during the "Death Montage"-1 Drink If your pick loses-2 Drinks Every time there's a shot of Jack Nicholson-2 Drinks Any suggestions, blogosphere? Add whichever shit-facing rules you think we forgot in the comments section.> [1]: http://www.lawrence.com/podcasts/pund...
Comments
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Eric_Melin (Eric Melin) says…
Great column -- I'll be using these rules Sunday night for sure!
shameless self-promotion: http://www.lawrence.com/events/2007/f...
Here's some more--
*Three Six Mafia joke - 1 drink
*animated character comes to life to awkwardly present a technical award with a human presenter - 3 drinks
*Hollywood's "next big thing" (who doesn't belong there but has powerful agents) awkwardly presents an award (see Dane Cook, Brittany Murphy, etc.) - 1 drink
*Brokeback Mountain joke - 1 drink
*standing ovation for Scorsese - chug
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
One presenter won't let the other one near the microphone. 1 drink
One presenter makes some sexual comment about or just ogles the other presenter. 2 drinks
One presenter sexually assaults (or improperly touches) the other presenter. Chug.
The host or any presenter makes a stump speech for or against any person running for President in 2008. Turn to another program, or better yet turn off the TV and read a book! If you can still focus.
altheasus (Althea Schnacke) says…
Awkward moment with Ellen in a dress: chug
altheasus (Althea Schnacke) says…
Post-Oscar fistfight over who wins the dusted, dented can of potted meat for chosing the most winners: 3 drinks per participant.
gavon (Gavon Laessig) says…
A few thoughts:
-Eric, wonderful suggestions. The "animated character" rule is perfect. You've also raised the possibility of a "Brokeback Mountain"/Tim Hardaway joke, which I think would be deserving of 3 drinks.
-Ladylaw, more great suggestions. Most of those could be used for presenters and winners. Very versatile. I'm puzzled however...what are these "books" of which you speak?
-Schnack-attack, your very astute and queasy comment about Ellen in a dress brings up a slight clarification. Someone suggested to me that if we were to religiously adhere to the cross-dressing rules from the pre-show, we would die due to Ellen constantly wearing men's clothes. That rule, however, only applies to the pre-show, where Ellen shall not be. Player discretion if they want to follow all of the Pre-show rules and the Show-show rules without boundaries.
Enjoy your potted-meat!