May 27, 2008
Who's going to fill the "In Case of National Tragedy, Break Glass" position? Since McCain's age can only be estimated using carbon dating and a geologic time scale, his ability to outwit the Reaper over the course of a 4 year term has been called into question. And since Hillary's been kind enough to (repeatedly) point out that Obama's brain might eat a lead sandwich, the question also warrants consideration on the Democratic side. And now, in no particular order, a run down of prospective Vice Presidents based on nothing more than mescaline fueled speculation and entrails: *REPUBLICANS3. Bobby Jindal** Louisiana governor who met with McCain at a little "nothing to see here" pow wow this past weekend at John and Cindy's pretend dude ranch. Jindal, as an Indian-American, is brown. Imagine the push-polling if Karl Rove were still in the game-"How would you feel about John McCain if you knew his potential running mate was a slobbering, scalp-collecting Injun?" Jindal is young, freaky conservative and would provide a touch of diversity. This would offset the perception that McCain is old, politically inconsistent and painfully white. On the other hand, Jindal's full name is Piyush Subhaschandra Amrit Jindal-try selling that, and the fact he was raised Hindu until converting to Catholicism in his teens, to the Hagee/Parsley/Apocalypse Now base of the party. **2. Mitt Romney** Another member of the Iron John weekend retreat. Despite the palpable, frothy loathing McCain exuded towards Mitt over the course of the primary season, time-and political expediency-heals all. Romney has a lot of support in the corporate and social conservative factions of the GOP, who still mistrust McCain. His telegenic virility might also serve as boner juice to the flaccid and wrinkled McCampaign. Then again, he's Mitt Romney. The guy's utter inability to maintain a principled position on any topic is legendary, which would only highlight McCain's recent pandering. His inept primary campaign was a running punchline and he would no doubt provide more yuks in the general. Also, Mormon.**1. Tim Pawlenty** The Minnesota governor is the leading contender at this point. He's popular in the battleground state where he serves, has executive experience as governor and is not hated by anyone in particular. Basically, he's coma-inducing and safe-the perfect recipe for a mostly symbolic fluffer position. **Honorable mentions:** Charlie Crist-Popular Florida Governor, probably gay. John Thune-South Dakota Senator, man-pretty. Sarah Palin-Governor of Alaska, kind of crazy. Mike Huckabee-Evangelical superstar, totally crazy. Rob Portman-Former Ohio congressman, have no idea who he is. Condoleeza Rice-Historic pick as first black female VP, Bush in drag.**DEMOCRATS*3. Jim Webb This bulging sack of testosterone from the swing state of Virginia would add instant military cred to the Obama campaign. He's a decorated Vietnam vet, former Secretary of the Navy under Reagan and a tireless champion of enlisted men and women while serving in the Senate. With that amount of resume firepower as cover, he's a great spokesperson for ending the war in Iraq and economic justice-two issues Webb is passionate about and synch up well with Obama's platform. The only problem with Webb is that he's kind of a walking hard-on. He opposed women in combat with a 1979 column called "Women Can't Fight" and has been quoted as saying that the Naval Academy is "a horny woman's dream." That's going to turn off a lot of Hillary supporters who already accuse Obama of being Ike Turner-meets-cervical cancer.2. Hillary Clinton There's an outside chance she'll successfully wield her ardent supporters and the specter of a divided convention as blackmail to get on the ticket. Her surrogates, including Bill, have been arguing that she's earned it by energizing so many women and racists. She's brilliant, has a massive political machine, and could help unite the rift in the Democratic party. Conversely, she's mostly responsible for that rift, sticking her thumb in the wound and twisting it with pathological abandon. Her baggage, including Bill, would be a daily distraction for Obama. Besides, how comfortable would you be sharing a stage with someone who has insinuated you're a sexist Muslim retardate that would allow terrorists to incinerate your children? Of course, if you're assassinated before then it's a moot point. 1. Kathleen Sebelius This Kansas cougar is stalking bigger game than the governor's office. Our very own Silver Fox is an outspoken Obama booster and has been climbing short lists ever since she delivered the State of the Union response on national television. You know she's a serious candidate when Robert Novak, Douchebag of Liberty, [is taking pot-shots at her for being too liberal.][1] For those of us that actually live in Kansas, that's kind of laughable, but it's an indicator that she's feared by Republicans as a strong running mate who could help propel Obama into the White House. She's a centrist Democrat who's proven over the course of two terms in bleeding red Kansas that she can appeal to conservatives, and she's managed to do it despite staking out progressive positions on a few issues, notably eco-stuff. Her appointment would have the benefit of helping persuade dejected Hillary boosters that Obama isn't opposed to the very concept of women's suffrage. Her main drawbacks as a running mate are that she's not exactly a public speaking dynamo (see her State of the Union response) and she doesn't deliver her home state (she might make Kansas competitive in November, but come on-it's still Brownback territory). Of course, she doesn't need to be the second coming of rock and roll Jesus on the stump-Obama has more than enough electric Kool Aid for the both of them-all she needs to do is be a competent surrogate who won't stray from talking points. Her very lack of unpredictability (some might say her surplus of boring) may be one of her strongest assets.Honorable mentions: Sam Nunn-Former Georgia senator, really old. Tim Kaine-Virginia governor, Jesus-y. Ted Strickland-Ohio governor, might provide Diebold-proof majority in his state. Claire McCaskill-Missouri senator, not evil. Wesley Clark-Former NATO commander and Clinton supporter, dreamy. [1]: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/25/AR2008052502275.html
Comments
lawrence.com does not necessarily agree with comments posted below - responsibility lies with the relevant user alone. Read our full policy.
El_Borak (Bill Hoyt) says...
No offense, but you're thinking too exclusively here. Don't forget about Plan B: http://elborak.blogspot.com/2008/05/b...
May 27, 2008 at 9:32 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
OtherJoel (anonymous) says...
Choose OJ for prez!Choose chunky instead of smooth!Choose chimichangas!Choose Miller High Life!Choose cholesterol!Choose douchebaggery!Choose condescension!Choose Febreeze-that-shit-and-it-will-be-fine!Let's make our fat kids fatter!Let's give each other a big collective hug. Unless you're ugly.Let's kick John McCain in the sack!Let's give Obama a wedgie!GoooooooOOOOOOOOOO Team OJ!
May 28, 2008 at 7:31 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
El_Borak (Bill Hoyt) says...
If I was running for President, I wouldn't tell anyone. 'Cause it would make me cry if OJ made fun of me.
May 28, 2008 at 8:57 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
DOTDOT (anonymous) says...
Condescension is for the little people.Anyway OJ,If you'll change Miller High Life to Budweiser, I'll elevate my smart ass prickery to douchebaggery, then I think you got my vote!..
May 28, 2008 at 12:55 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
gavon (Gavon Laessig) says...
Screw all, y'all! I'm voting for this guy on the Libertarian ticket:http://youtube.com/watch?v=mPn4mlFycpIMaybe Ron Paul wise up and join him on the "Tit Cheese For All!" platform.
May 28, 2008 at 1:28 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
PatrickJoseph (Patrick Giroux) says...
"Choose OJ for prez!Choose chunky instead of smooth!Choose chimichangas!Choose Miller High Life!Choose cholesterol!Choose douchebaggery!Choose condescension!Choose Febreeze-that-shit-and-it-will-be-fine!"This reads like a bizarre alternate take on the end of "Trainspotting."
May 28, 2008 at 3:46 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
OtherJoel (anonymous) says...
High Life is the champagne of beers, DOTDOT. And I am nothing if not a classy, classy man.
May 28, 2008 at 6:50 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
OtherJoel (anonymous) says...
ElB -- I'd definitely support your campaign. My weird comment was more about ridiculing a) idiot spammers; and b) my own lack of desirable qualities for an elected official of any kind.
May 28, 2008 at 7:07 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
OtherJoel (anonymous) says...
Now that I've derailed the topic (sorry), I'll try and steer us back to the veepstakes:My top two picks (based on personal preference, not reality) would be Sebelius or Clark. I think Sebelius will make inroads into Clinton's base and she definitely knows the political game. She'd be great for the actual job if she got it, but yeah -- Obama's charisma would probably need to carry both of them through the campaign. I like Wes a lot: a southerner with a high-profile military career who was, for a time, so popular he was "drafted" to run by his supporters in 2004 (he fizzled fast, but people know him at least) -- he could be just what Obama needs. And he's pretty darned sharp, too. Those two would make a pretty high-IQ ticket. I have this crazy notion that smart people should lead our country. Nuts, I know. But I also thought Edwards was on the short list. Did I miss something?
May 28, 2008 at 7:49 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
alm77 (anonymous) says...
Yeah, what about Edwards? That's what I was thinking. Good to deliver the working class votes and strengthen the Southern votes. I like our Kathy, don't get me wrong, but I just don't think she's really going to get it. Why not go with someone who everyone is already incredibly familiar with?
May 28, 2008 at 10:41 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
gavon (Gavon Laessig) says...
There's been no indication, at least in the pundit runes I've been examining, that Edwards wants or would be offered VP. From his perspective, who wants to be the eternal bridesmaid? The more likely scenario is that he'll be offered Attorney General in an Obama presidency. He'd fill the RFK slot in the Camelot analogy. Wow...see how easy it was to mention Bobby Kennedy without saying "assassination"? Take notes, Clinton camp...Wes Clark would be like Jim Webb without the Jack Nicholson-from-"A Few Good Men" -mentality, and so a very advantageous pick. I just don't know if Obama would be comfortable with an ardent Clinton supporter, and vice versa. It would certainly bridge some gaps and burnish the "experience" argument, however. In the end, Sebelius seems to be the safest pick. Not sexy, unless you're into GILFs (Governor I'd Like to Formally-thank-for-their-service), but a satisfactory running mate who wouldn't outshine the top of the ticket and wouldn't detract from it.On the McCain side, I forgot to mention Joe Lieberman. And on the Obama side I forgot to mention Chuck Hagel. Is post-partisanship possible in this day and age? And was I laughing when I typed that?
May 29, 2008 at 1 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
DOTDOT (anonymous) says...
I don't know, but I was laughing when I read it. Considering the national parties have been reduced to pep squads, I'm not sure that anything but post-partisanship isn't pretense.
May 29, 2008 at 1:23 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
DOTDOT (anonymous) says...
And OJ, I'm too far gone to take "idiot spammer" as an insult, but not far enough gone to recognize that I should...
May 29, 2008 at 1:31 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
gavon (Gavon Laessig) says...
Another VP prospect that was just suggested to me by a senior Obama adviser (yeah, that's right--I got sizources) is Lee Hamilton, former co-chair of the 9/11 Commission and all around elder statesman. With his foreign policy credentials and decades of public service, he would act as Gandalf to Obama's Frodo.Back on the Sebelius front, she's really getting hammered by Republicans for being TOO pro-choice:http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2008/may/29/sebelius_denies_having_lavish_party_tiller/It seems to me this only helps her standing with the national party, raising her profile as being more progressive than she probably is in reality. If she's driving the GOP this bat shit so early, it's clear she's seen as the front runner for VEEP. Food for thought: Could Sebelius' son's "Don't Drop the Soap" board game be her Jeremiah Wright moment?
May 29, 2008 at 12:42 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
OnShakedown (Chris Tackett) says...
Lee Hamilton? are you serious? Sebelius isn't gonna get it, methinks. I like Clark and Webb and have heard people talking about Daschle.
May 29, 2008 at 4:24 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
gavon (Gavon Laessig) says...
Yeah, I was kind of surprised to hear Hamilton mentioned...but if you think about it, he'd kind of be a Dick Cheney without the heart of pure molten evil. He knows how to play the Washington game and is too old to succeed Obama. Not a likely pick, but his name is out there.
Daschle? I know he's a higher up in the Obama campaign, but that guy was such an ineffective eunuch as Senate leader that I have a hard time seeing him back in the spotlight.
Of course, if Joe Lieberman could worm his way onto the Democratic ticket in 2000, anything can happen.
May 29, 2008 at 5:21 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
gavon (Gavon Laessig) says...
A glaring oversight on the Dem side:Bill Richardson--Former New Mexico governor, cuddly.
May 31, 2008 at 11:44 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )