From Wall Street to…kill me now
We've heard it from all the politicians. We've heard it from all the pundits, columnists and bloggers. All of them. At some undetermined point it became the big phrase and now everybody, EVERYYYYYYYBODY, is saying it, as if they had no other choice. If I hear one person, one more person, say, "FROM MAIN STREET TO WALL STREET," I am going to throw myself from a bridge 1929-stock-market-collapse-style. Press Secretary Dana Perino: "The cold on Wall Street could infect Main Street."I could go on forever, with endless examples, but I will not. In fact, moments ago I pasted in a heap of examples from far and wide, links included, but then I came to my senses and deleted it.I have noticed that, rather than devoting much attention to explaining the federal bailout plan, the media have simplified it, in almost every story told by them and the politicians they amplify, to this: $700 billion to save our financial institutions, so that Wall Street's collapse doesn't crush Main Street. Rather than attempting, even superficially, to explain the bailout plan (pundits and politicians have long since given up on the notion that we average Joe Assholes can understand much of anything), the media have focused almost solely on the wrangling on Capitol Hill. A fight. Something we can comprehend. This is, undoubtedly an important part of the story. Will the plan pass through Congress? Will it not pass? But, with the exception of a couple of simplified tidbits that have been repeated over and over-Democrats want less money for CEOs, conservative Republicans don't like federal regulation-what they're wrangling over goes unexplained.Still, Friday night, as I turned on the presidential debate, I had hoped against hope, down in the deepest of the deep, that the politicians and the media had to have, if nothing else, ejaculated the Main Street/Wall Street comparison from their systems by now and moved onto the next catchphrase meant to help us simple working folk understand these complex times. Within seconds of his first response, of course, Sen. Obama said it: "Although we've heard a lot about Wall Street," (Oh no! Don't do it! There's still a way out!) "those of you on Main Street, I think, have been struggling for a while:" Please, Sen. McCain, you can have my vote if you just spare me. We've already heard it once. "We're not talking about failure of institutions on Wall Street. We're talking about failures on Main Street:" Take me to [200 Maine Street][1]. I'm checking in. [1]: http://www.bertnash.org/
WORD AND NEW P(&)LACE I LOATHE! VOL. III
Transplant. "Everybody, meet Jenny, our new Assistant Bullshit Coordinator. She's a California transplant, like Ron in Concrete Mixing." Unless you're talking about the hair you bought at the Rogaine store for your balls, Mr. Transplant Popularizer, I don't want to hear it. How about the simple way people used to introduce a stranger: "Everybody, meet Jenny. She's from California." People like "transplant" because it implies taking root in a new place. But taking root shouldn't be so easy. It should take years of coldness from your new neighbors until you're gradually, but never fully, tolerated. Jenny, this is Kansas, the home of sunshine, sunflowers and sons-of-bitches. This is our place. We live here and it is ours. We don't take kindly to your kind here. That's a fact you're just going to have to get used to.![][1]In other news, I went to Westport Friday night and the Power & Light Saturday night. The good news is that the Power & Light is one giant suck for every schmuck in the bi-state area who wants to buy $4 bottles of Bud Light and stand in line for four hours in front of some place called Mosaic that has a VIP list, three beefy bouncers and a rope. And so Westport, which merely a year ago was highly infested with these people, is cleared of them. The bad news is that there are only four people left, three of them are architecture students from UMKC, and all they talk about is how much cooler they are than the people at the Power & Light while buying $3 bottles of Bud Light.By the way, if you go to the Power & Light [website][2], a flash animation plays with the words, "Leave your inhibitions in the minivan." Did they hire the Las Vegas marketing team? [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r... [2]: http://www.powerandlightdistrict.com/
‘GREEN’ MORATORIUM, WITH SURPRISE APPEARANCE BY BEARDLESS WILLIE NELSON
Green! [Dick's][1] going green. [Jane's][2] going green. [Big sis][3] is going green. [Lots][4] of [people][5] have gone [green][6] all over everybody's asses right on [this][7] website. I know I've gone green [once][8] or [twice][9] or [thrice][10]. [Green][11], [green][12], [green][13], [green][14], [green][15]. [Green][16].People of the internet! (Bugle call : echo : bugle : echo ... silence : rumbling : hordes.) New rule: a moratorium on the word "green," unless it's used as follows: My favorite color is green. Green beans are green. I am traveling with my friend Ned to Green Bay, Wisconsin, to watch the Green Bay Packers partake in a football match this Sunday.![][17] The actual act in question isn't forbidden, for now...so there must be a terminological replacement. How 'bout...brown? Also evocative of nature. Alright, we shall use brown from now on, and when the day inevitably arrives that its ample reserves have been tapped out, technology certainly will have caught up and the next resource will be ready to take its place.In related news, know what would be a good website? Pics of famous bearded people before they had beards. Like [this][18] and [this][19]. In other related news, Always Sunny in Philadelphia-great television program, or the greatest television program? [1]: http://www.time.com/time/goinggreen [2]: http://www.thedailygreen.com/ [3]: http://www2.ljworld.com/news/green/ [4]: http://www.lawrence.com/blogs/standing_perfectly_still/2008/aug/09/weekgreenlinks/ [5]: http://www.lawrence.com/blogs/life_cycle/2008/aug/07/ewaste/ [6]: http://www.lawrence.com/blogs/fresh_green_beans/2008/jul/14/g8/ [7]: http://www.lawrence.com/news/2008/may... [8]: http://www.lawrence.com/news/2007/apr... [9]: http://www.lawrence.com/news/2008/apr... [10]: http://www.lawrence.com/news/2008/may... [11]: http://www.theonion.com/content/index/4427 [12]: http://www.thinkgreen.com/ [13]: http://www.regeneration.org/ [14]: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17950339/ [15]: http://www.thegreenguide.com/ [16]: http://www.treehugger.com/ [17]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r... [18]: http://www.worldwardiary.com/history/Image:Young_jerry_garcia_.jpg [19]: http://www.amazon.com/Country-Willie-His-Own-Songs/dp/B00002061G
Kevin Willmott’s Isaac Hayes Story
"Who's that black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?"Decades after Isaac Hayes, who died yesterday, altered the world of cool with his number-one hit "Theme From Shaft," and shortly before he gained new fame as the voice of Chef in "South Park," he helped launch the career of local film director [Kevin Willmott][1].It was a small miracle that Willmott, then an unknown even by indie film standards, landed Hayes to play a role and write music for his debut feature film, "Ninth Street," an ode to the rise and fall of the black section of his hometown of Junction City, as seen through the eyes of a couple of old winos. ![][2]I talked with Willmott this morning about working with Hayes:How'd you land Isaac Hayes for "Ninth Street"? I was working with a talent agent in Kansas City. Her name is Mi-Ling Poole. She was getting Isaac speaking engagements and different things. I was looking for an actor in "Ninth Street" at the time, because, actually, the one I had originally cast, an old friend of mine, had passed away. I told her that I was interested. She said, "Well, would you think about Isaac Hayes?" I said, "Of course, but how could I get him?" She got the script to him, and one day I was in the shower and the phone rang. I got out of the shower-you're wet and you're naked and the whole damn thing, and it's Isaac Hayes on the phone. He says that he read the script and he really liked it-it reminded him of growing up on Beale Street in Memphis-and he'd like to do the film.Did you immediately recognize his voice? Yeah. (In a low voice) This is Isaac (laughs). Growing up in Junction City, I remember the old guys, they were talking about his bald head when he first came out. He was the first cool guy to have a bald head. I remember guys kind of making fun of him, and then he turned that totally around and became the coolest dude with a bald head, probably ever, besides Yul Brynner. You know, he was "Black Moses." In the '70s, he was the man.What was it like to work with him? We shot together for a couple weeks and then he did music for the film as well. We stayed in touch for a long time and I visited him in New York a couple times. He was great. He said "Ninth Street" was the greatest thing he thought he'd ever done. Isaac totally got it. He understood what I was trying to do. I didn't have any money and I was shooting the movie over a long period of time, raising money as I went along. He was totally supportive.And when he offered to do some music for the film, I just about went through the roof. Here I am, getting an Academy Award winner to be in a film that cost me about $40,000, $50,000 dollars. Obviously, that's a great example of his generosity. He really was very supportive of me, and I will always thank him for that.Did you keep in touch after that? As he became Chef and "South Park" blew up, I didn't see him nearly as much. I'd always hoped to work with him again, but unfortunately I'm not going to get the chance now.Any memories from working with him that stand out? I remember visiting him in New York. Several of the cast members were with me and the crew guys that worked on the film. We got to go to his apartment and he played some music for us when we were there. That was like:it's hard to understand what Isaac was like for young black guys growing up in the '70s like I did. "Shaft" and "Black Moses" and all of that was a whole world that only black people fully understood. Even though he wasn't a political figure technically, he was like a political figure within the black community at that time. The "Black Moses" icon image that he created was a leader like a political leader.So getting to work with him and getting to know him and laughing with him was really fun on the set. He loved to laugh. "Ninth Street" has a lot of down-home street wisdom in it and Isaac understood that very well. He grew up the hard way, without a mother and a father, and his grandmother raised him. So he's very much connected with all that. I think that's where soul music kind of comes from, and he really represented that. [1]: http://www.lawrence.com/news/2008/mar... [2]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r...
What I Would Ask the Candidates
![][1]Yesterday, I [saw][2] in the Journal-World that my friend Rhonda LeValdo, a KU grad student in journalism and Haskell instructor, gets to ask Barack Obama and John McCain some questions as part of a panel with UNITY Journalists of Color Inc. (assuming both candidates can make it).Good for her...I suppose my invitation was lost in the mail (white, after all, is every color put together). Well, when my invitation arrives, here are the two questions I'll ask each candidate:Senator McCain, which of America's freedoms is your favorite, or do you kinda like 'em all?Hello, this question is addressed to Senator Barack Hussein Osama. I mean, Osama. Mr. Osama, if you were president, how would you capture Obama bin Laden? I mean, Obama bin Laden.Senator Obama, I am from Lawrence, Kansas, where the community is viciously divided over whether to save a mosquito-infested hunk of so-called "wetlands." Example infinitum of Indians swiping land from the hands of the hard-working white man. Pave over it already. (Note: This is not technically a question.)Senator McCain, what's with that Senator Hussein dude?Do you, reader, think that Barack Hussein Osama jokes are not funny? Well, perhaps you're not funny. Ever consider that scenario? [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r... [2]: http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2008/jul...
Czech out my new kicks!
![][1]The main reason I like summer in Lawrence:On my way to work this morning, in a lawn on the northwest corner of 18th and Kentucky, bam! I saw a pair of shoes, my friend, sitting on a table or a box, I forget which, among a small assortment of other things-a lamp, a framed print, and so forth, and a sign that said something like "take me." A guy in a truck drove by as I picked up the shoes and yelled, "Athlete's foot!" Like I care. They were in excellent condition and they fit, both my feet and my tastes.You see, a couple weekends ago, I ruined my everyday, good ol' trusty shoes on a camping trip. I'd had them for about seven years. Oh, it was very sad. I could go on for paragraphs explaining the trials and tribulations I have gone through these past couple of weeks, the futile search through my closet, through my former closet at my parents' house, my rediscovery of old shoes that I ultimately came to reject, my fruitless trips to the shoestores and so forth.But today, my friend, the cotton is tall, and I'm standing in it. In my new kicks. [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r...
Lawrence Ranked #310 on Super Top List, Riots Ensue
![][1]Hello, ladies. (And gentlemen.) I have a proposition. No more "top" lists, ever. I keep hearing about this TitleTown USA [stuff][2], some contest ESPN is holding to determine which title-winning town is the best, I guess. Some national magazine tells us the Replay is the best bar in Kansas, another says Lawrence isn't or is one of the best rock towns in America, U.S. News & World Report says KU is better or worse than it was last year ... and none of it, of course, means anything.Well, nevermind. Maybe I'm just being cranky. Let the "top" lists be. Let us make lots of "top" lists instead. Here are mine, based on months of scrupulous research, interviews, etc.:Top Hypothetical Concert Lineup Based on Most Outrageous Local Band Names: [ Jungle Tits][3]/ [Al-Qaeda][4]/ [The Complimentary Toothpicks][5]Top Facial Feature: eyesTop Gun: MaverickTop Book: Sometimes a Great Notion by Ken KeseyTop Shelf Liquor: one may only speculateTop Pen: Pilot G-2Top Food: steakIn other news, if you enjoy web pages, you might enjoy these: [You're Gonna Frey][6] (I don't know much about the people this piece refers to, but it's still funny.) [Stuff White People Like][7] [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r... [2]: http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2008/jun... [3]: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=65077409 [4]: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=276524757 [5]: http://www.myspace.com/thecomplimentarytoothpicks [6]: http://www.nealpollack.com/cgi-bin/blog/do.cgi/200304290132/permalink [7]: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
Marcus Oliveira, Professional Badass
A quick follow-up to my [story][1] on Marcus Oliveira, badass Haskell Boxing Club star turned pro, who fought on Friday night at the Kansas Expocentre in Topeka: he [won.][2]Facing Leo Pla, a cage fighter competing in his seventh professional boxing match, Oliveira pretty much assaulted him-bloodying his face, knocking his mouthpiece into the air and clean out of the ring, etc.-until the ref called the fight in the fifth round.
![][3]I had never attended a live boxing match before, and the three fights preceeding Oliveira's were fairly uneventful. But seeing Oliveira was worth the wait. Comparing him with his overweight opponent and the fighters who stepped onto the canvas before him, he was clearly a man among boys-so much faster on his feet, and you could tell from the stands how hard his punches were landing. It reminded me of watching (hate to say it) Michael Beasley play college basketball.After the fight, Pla started yelling for Oliveira to face him in a cage match. At 13-0-1 and angling for a shot at the light heavyweight title, I don't think that's gonna happen. Next time Oliveira has a fight around here, I'd strongly suggest checking it out while you still have the opportunity. The dude is amazing. [1]: http://www.lawrence.com/news/2008/jun... [2]: http://www.ubcboxing.com/news/index.php [3]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r...
I wonder if he used a fork.
![][1]What do you want in a pres-i-dent? Me, I want a poet. I voted for Rimbaud in the last election. So, who's the best poet in the race? I pasted below a couple poems that Barack Hussein Osama wrote in 1981 (found [here][2]). I can't wait to read JMac's stuff.POP Sitting in his seat, a seat broad and broken In, sprinkled with ashes Pop switches channels, takes another Shot of Seagrams, neat, and asks What to do with me, a green young man Who fails to consider the Flim and flam of the world, since Things have been easy for me; I stare hard at his face, a stare That deflects off his brow; I'm sure he's unaware of his Dark, watery eyes, that Glance in different directions, And his slow, unwelcome twitches, Fail to pass. I listen, nod, Listen, open, till I cling to his pale, Beige T-shirt, yelling, Yelling in his ears, that hang With heavy lobes, but he's still telling His joke, so I ask why He's so unhappy, to which he replies... But I don't care anymore, cause He took too damn long, and from Under my seat, I pull out the Mirror I've been saving; I'm laughing, Laughing loud, the blood rushing from his face To mine, as he grows small, A spot in my brain, something That may be squeezed out, like a Watermelon seed between Two fingers. Pop takes another shot, neat, Points out the same amber Stain on his shorts that I've got on mine, and Makes me smell his smell, coming From me; he switches channels, recites an old poem He wrote before his mother died, Stands, shouts, and asks For a hug, as I shrink, my Arms barely reaching around His thick, oily neck, and his broad back; 'cause I see my face, framed within Pop's black-framed glasses And know he's laughing too.UNDERGROUND Under water grottos, caverns Filled with apes That eat figs. Stepping on the figs That the apes Eat, they crunch. The apes howl, bare Their fangs, dance, Tumble in the Rushing water, Musty, wet pelts Glistening in the blue.ALSO, I found this sweet site called ["Poems about Presidents."][3] Here's one by Kasey:GEORGE WASHINGTON G. W. is his nickname. He was humble to his fame. I cross his bridge when I enter New York. I wonder if he used a fork. That was years ago when he was born. He was the calm after the storm. He was the first president in the U.S. What happened before him? Oh, what a mess!I wonder if he used a fork. Brilliant. It inspired me to write one:VARIATIONS ON THE FORK THEME I wonder if he used a fork. I wonder if he used a spoon. I wonder if he used a knife. I wonder if he used a broom.THE END. [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r... [2]: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/18/us/politics/18poems.html?ex=1211774400&en=5590170dc7fd477d&ei=5070&emc=eta1 [3]: http://www.susq-town.org/byer/poetry%20pages/poems_about_presidents22.htm
Fly Over THIS Country, Metro
How many blogs have been written on the theme of "words I hate"? Too many, I'd venture. Well, here's another one, bitches.
![][1]1. Flyover countryNATIONAL NEWS ANCHOR: "So-and-so was seen campaigning in flyover country yesterday." Flyover country? Surely you're not referring to the great Midwest. Know what, New York? I call YOU flyover country. As in when I'm flyin' from Kansas City to Europe with my nuts hangin' out, skeet-skeetin' on your Statue of Liberty. (As Darnell Jackson famously told The Kansan before KU beat Memphis in the title game, "We just say 'let your nuts hang.' Just let them hang." I've adopted that mantra, since it obviously worked.)2. HomelandersA few months ago I was listening to NPR and some asshole who'd written a book was discussing the finer differences between "metros" and "homelanders." He was full of backhanded compliments like, "Both sides can learn from the other. Metros are tolerant of gays and people of different cultures. Homelanders know how to slow down and smell the roses." Hey, why don't you slow down and smell the front of my pants? You know what us "homelanders" say to guys like you? We just say 'let your nuts hang.' Just let them hang.3. ChillAs in, "That bar is chill." Maybe I'll jump on the gravy train and start saying it in a few months, but I don't think so. Chill as an adjective, I hates it. 4. FreakonomicsIt's not really a catchphrase, more just the name of a book I haven't read. But I dislike it. Oh, look at you, authors of Freakonomics, you're so smart and clever.5. BreauxheimAs in, "Hey, breauxheim, let your nuts hang." Actually, I like it.6. BlerghTina Fey says "oh, blergh" all the time on 30 Rock. Is this catching on? I hope so, actually. Once again, I give it the thumbs up. THE END. [1]: http://media.lawrence.com/img/blogs/r...
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