Posted
by Rob Gillaspie
December 9, 2004 at 2:02 p.m.
2004: The Year In Feces
The year in movies has come and gone... and like so many turds, it will soon be flushed from our collective memory. With only a scant few weeks until the dawn of 2005, there doesn't appear to be any Great White Hope to deliver us from the past twelve months of solid shit that Hollywood has shoveled our way. The Aviator? Don't count on it. The Polar Express? Signs point to "NO." With so much crap being released at such an alarming rate, is it any wonder that our country is known as the Asshole of the World?Well, you know what they say about shit: the stench always rises to the top. Allow me to present to you the most rancid logs Hollywood dropped on us in 2004...SHITTIEST MOVIE: _The Passion of the Christ_This year was looking pretty bleak for me as a movie-hater. No Michael Bay, no Matrix films, no Richard Dreyfus. My usual targets of scorn were nowhere to be seen. What the fuck was I supposed to make fun of? Lucky for me, Mel Gibson unloaded his anti-Semitic, phallocentric crapfest on the world before I had the chance to shed any tears for myself. And what a steaming pile of chest-beating man-links it was. Seriously, watching this movie was like taking a two hour trip through the brain of an abortion clinic bomber on LSD. The Passion reinforced the same tired mythology (virgin birth, white Jesus, the "resurrection") that we've had beaten into our heads since we were children. It also featured the most unintentionally hilarious Jewish stereotypes this side of a Jackie Mason album. Mad Mel was obviously shooting for spiritual controversy when he squeezed this out; what he ended up with was the big-screen equivalent of papal pornography. On a positive note, people actually DIED while viewing this movie, which is an awesome publicity stunt that even William Castle would be proud of. RUNNER UP: _Troy_Wolfgang Peterson's biography should be titled "From Das Boot to Das Poot: How One Director's Career Dissolved Like Fart Gas." I wish, I WISH I could have sat in on the meeting when they greenlit this disaster: "I have an idea! Let's do The Iliad and LEAVE OUT the mythology! That'll work, right?" Wrong. These d-bags were probably the same ones who greenlit King Arthur, which would have made this list had I actually bothered to see the fucking thing.SHITTIEST DIRECTOR: Bernardo BertolucciI'll never figure out why BB is considered to be one of the world's greatest living directors. Seriously, I can count his most watchable movies on two fingers, and neither of them involve Marlon Brando with a tub of butter. The Dreamers was released this year to much critical hoo-ing and haw-ing, but to me it seemed like nothing more than softcore porn with too much plot thrown in. Film School Lesson #54278: If you're going to waste film meditating on politics and the nature of humanity, make sure you actually have something legitimate to say. If you're going to make a movie about fucking, you better be prepared to show us the money. SHITTIEST ACTRESS: Scarlett JohannsonWho the hell keeps offering her movies? She possesses all the acting talent of a Gelfling with a heavy morphine addiction. I wonder how much they pay the guy who has to follow her around on set with a towel to keep her from drooling on herself? If I have to see her cow-eyed face staring at me from another movie screen again, I'm going to split my own skull with an axe. Swear to God.SHITTIEST ACTOR: Tom Cruise I can't pick on this guy enough. I was going to give him his own special award, the "Cary Grant Award For Shittiest Continued Attempt At Maintaining A Heterosexual Facade," but I didn't want to tarnish Cary's good name by mentioning it in the same breath with Maverick's. This year's "Collateral" picked up where "The Last Samurai" left off, with Cruise struggling in the role of a grizzled, hard-boiled tough guy. Why don't these parts go to Harry Dean Stanton anymore? Note to Tom: You're short, you smell bad, and your facelift is showing. Worst of all, you're a Scientologist. Time to do us all a favor and VANISH. Trust me, the world will thank you for your brave sacrifice.SHITTIEST SEQUEL: _Aliens Versus Predator_God, so many to pick from this year... Did the world really need another Baby Geniuses? Another Princess Diaries? Would civilization have ground to a halt if Resident Evil: Apocalypse had ceased production? As tempting as it is for me to finger Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights or Exorcist: The Beginning as my prime suspects, these movies are technically PREQUELS and therefore disqualified from the running. No, the Gilded Stool for Shittiest Sequel of the year DEFINITELY goes to Aliens Vs. Predator, the film that took two of my favorite new school movie monsters and reduced them to family-friendly action figures. SHITTEST HOLLYWOOD TREND: Remakes, Remakes, REMAKES!Who says there are no original ideas in Hollywood anymore? This year brought us Walking Tall, Alfie, The Grudge, The Manchurian Candidate, The Ladykillers, and The Stepford Wives... Wait a minute, why do these movies smell familiar? Because they were all fucking REMAKES, that's why, and particularly NEEDLESS remakes at that! Dawn of the Dead notwithstanding, 2004 was a banner year for bad remakes of good movies. And the trend doesn't seem to be slowing down, either; next year we can look forward to remakes of King Kong, The Toolbox Murders, Black Christmas, Suspiria, The Crazies, War of the Worlds, House of Wax, The Fog, The Amityville Horror, and Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Also in the wings is a PREQUEL to the SHITTIEST remake of all time, 1003's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."LOST IN TRANSLATION" AWARD FOR SHITTY MOVIE THAT PEOPLE ONLY LIKED BECAUSE THE MEDIA TOLD THEM IT WAS HIP: _Napoleon Dynamite_My well-known loathing for all things Mormon aside, this movie was just plain SHIT. I have yet to talk to anyone who actually LIKED Napoleon Dynamite, yet somehow it managed to play in theaters for the better half of a year. Just as I'm sick of the whole "clash day" fashion thing that seems to be sweeping the nation, I'm growing weary of having "awkward teen angst" comedies shoved down my throat at every opportunity. Personally, I blame Urban Outfitters for facilitating this decline of culture in our society. With all the talk of upholding "moral values" in this day in age, I'm surprised no one has targeted them as the REAL enemy... Screw this ban on gay marriage. Who's going to spearhead the movement to ban bad taste?SHITTIEST MOVIE I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SEE TO KNOW IT WAS SHIT: _Alexander_Oliver Stone= Shitty Director. Colin Farrel= Shitty Actor. Alexander= Shitty Movie. It doesn't take a genius to do the math on this one.LET'S NOT FORGET TO MENTION THESE SHITTY MOVIES:Catwoman. The Alamo. National Treasure. Raising Helen. Taking Lives. Without A Paddle. 50 First Dates. First Daughter. I, Robot. The Village. Soul Plane. Van Helsing. The Perfect Score. New York Minute. Jersey Girl. Garfield. Godsend. Eurotrip. The Butterfly Effect. And, of course, WHITE CHICKS.THANK YOU, HOLLYWOOD, FOR ANOTHER SHITTY YEAR AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
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jacob (Jacob Kaplan-Moss) says…
One question: how do you know that Tom Cruise smells bad?
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
His stench assaults me through the television screen. It's unavoidable!
PS: Devoted readers, PLEASE go to the MP3's and download "13th level Cleric" by The Amazing Donkey Show... We just made the Top 25 for the first time and I'd like to keep our spot at the end of the week...
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Wow, it just dawned on me that I typed "1003" instead of "2003" somewhere in my blog... Talk about living in the past!
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says…
On a different note, were there any movies released this year you actually DID like?
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
That may be the subject of my next blog... but things I like tend to be LESS hilarious than things I don't.
pepper (anonymous) says…
Unfortunately, your insight into some of these films is quite good. I agree with you about the passion, remakes, and a host of other Hollywood garbage. I say that this is unfortunate because you don't seem to have the ability to watch a movie that was made for more that $86.34 and have an open mind about its quality. Therefore, the same semi- sharp wit with which you attack the passion is also dim wittedly turned toward napoleon dynamite and lost in translation. If the media told me to like these movies then the only reason you hate them is that your coffee shop intellectualism doesn't allow you to enjoy anything that has garnered attention outside of internet chat rooms with words like "death" and "succubus" in the title. When you say that you have never met anyone who actually liked napoleon, all that I can think of is that you must not endeavor to meet those who live outside the intellectually safe bounds of the trailer park. If you want to watch people fuck chickens and call it brilliant, then it does not shock me that you can find no redeeming qualities in either of these films.
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Hey, I don't think Pink Flamingos is briliiant, just awesome. And there are plenty of people with taste that live outside the trailer park, just none of them wear white belts and hang out at Neon. THOSE are the people who liked "Napoleon," and THOSE are the people whose tastes are suspect.
For example, the best movie I saw this year was "The Saddest Music In The Worlld," which features nothing along the lines of chicken fucking or succubi, and it possessed a thousand times the intelligence of either "Translation" or "Dynamite"... Just because the hipsters haven't discovered a movie doesn't make it anti-intellectual, and just because I don't like movies that SUCK doesn't mean I'm dim-witted. Thanks.
davidryan (David Ryan) says…
Perhaps off topic. But why -- lord, to what end -- is there a remake, a rearticulation, a respeaking, of The Flight of the Phoenix? Why?
Bad_Brad (anonymous) says…
Agree with everything except the rant about The Passion. 90% of the junk that comes out of Hollywood these days isn't even worth considering.
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Only 90% I'd go so far as to say 97%.
dr- The only reason I can see for that remake is that someone, somewhere decided that Giovanno Ribisi still needed work. Sigh...
edie_ (anonymous) says…
God baby, I forgot you actually went to see so many shitty movies this year. I'm really really sorry.
I avoided most of Hollywoods' raw sewage this year myself, but one of the really shitty ones that did get under my wire should be the runner up (or should I say runny-up) to the Lost In Translation award. And that movie was "Girl With The Pearl Earring." Another hour and forty five minutes of Scarlett walking around quietly with a vacant face, vacant brain, and vacant lines. The script erased every single one of the female character's strong points from the book. I couldn't tell if Scarlett was a bitch for taking a role where they made a strong character into a huge loser or if they dumbed down the role to fit her lacking skill level. Either way, runny up.
At least there was Team America, A Dirty Shame, and The Saddest Music in the World and Kill Bill 2.
spym00se (anonymous) says…
Garfield was horrible.
Scarlett Johannson is my moon goddess...
obediantjane (anonymous) says…
i'm with you. i didn't know they are going to remake "Suspiria". it probably will suck, but it could be awesome if they do it right.
quinn (Patrick Quinn) says…
Has anyone seen KINSEY?
edie_ (anonymous) says…
I forgot to mention that this blog is the greatest hilarity.
ddvrom (Devin Vermeulen) says…
I think I have to defend Napoleon also. The only possible complaint I could have made about it was that it sometimes felt a little too "wes anderson-y" but it had the same dry sort of humor mixed with classic slapstick gags like the bike ramp and the steak-throwing. Besides, comparing a comedy to wes anderson is a compliemnt in my book-- although I certainly know people who don't find his movies funny either- in which case I could see people not liking Naploeon.
Side note- I was blessed enough to see "the Life Aquatic" a couple days ago and it's fantastic. Highly recommended.
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says…
i'm saddened to hear of your dislike of giovanni ribisi. i had him pegged to play you in "murderama: the movie."
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says…
and you must be chomping at the bit waiting for tim burton's next shit sandwich.
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
Though I agree with your declarations of shit on many of the movies mentioned, it seems that every year someone says "Wow, what a shitty year for movies". There were some gems though. Napoleon Dynamite, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, and by god, Elf being at least three.
And I think the shittiest trend is not sequels (those have always been "of the shit", as the French say) but the unabashed raping of comic books for any semblance of a good idea.
Carmenilla (anonymous) says…
There really are no original ideas left in Hollywood (were there ever?) and the bastardization of many of my favorite comics is truly frightening. I can't help but wonder about the upcoming "Sin City" by Robert Rodriguez. It better be good dammit! I can take softie sell-outs like the Spiderman and X-Men franchises and I thought Hellboy was pretty watchable but I live in fear of "Electra" with Jennifer Garner. Run away! Run away!!!
And as far as shitty movies go, my favorite one in the last year was "Bubba Ho-Tep". It was a shitty movie because it was low-budget as hell and the plot was utterly ridiculous. It was good because its zany and unconventional. Its described as a "redemptive Elvis-Mummy picture" and that makes it extra goo-oo-ood. And when do we ever get to see the elderly as heroes? "Cocoon" doesn't count!
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Quinn-- Is "Kinsey" playing here yet? I'm ready for it.
Edie-- I tend to think that Scarlett is like a dumb puppy that goes wherever she is led. "Pout for the camera! THat's a good girl!" This makes her less bitchy and more irritating, in my book. But I could be wrong. She could just be the biggest cunt in the world.
monkeywrench-- Remember when Tim Burton made good movies? Oh, wait, he only made one-- Ed Wood. What a jagoff.
(Note to readers, Nightmare Before Christmas doesn't count because he didin't actually direct it.)
godjilla and carmenilla-- I've decided to ignore all comic movies from here on out. The Daredevil movie sucked solid shit links, and I shudder at the thought of sitting through The Punisher. If Rodriguez can pull off Sin City, it will be a miracle-- The guy couldn't make a decent movie if his life depended on it. But I'll hold out false hope anyway...
Carmenilla (anonymous) says…
No love for Robert Rodriguez? What about "Dusk 'til Dawn"? That was an awesomely bad movie. You can't go wrong with vampires, truckers and Salma Hayek in a velvet bikini. But hey, thats just me......And I have seen some stills from "Sin City". They look like they have been pulled straight from the comic. Frank Miller is at the helm of this project as well, so that might help. Hopefully he won't take the Hollywood cock too far up the keister on this one.....Also, "The Punisher" is aptly named. It really hurt a lot.
Joel (Joel Mathis) says…
Regarding "The Punisher:" Any movie where John Travolta plays the villain -- and thus feels free to overact -- is automatically bad.
I'm not sure how Face/Off plays into that rule, seeing as how John Travolta was playing Nic Cage playing a bad guy. I kind of like the movie, actually, but I'm always a sucker for John Woo's slow-motion doves.
edie_ (anonymous) says…
I often wonder what the transition was like when Nicolas Coppola changed his name to so that people wouldn't realize his career was built on nepotism. It's even funnier imagining him pondering over a list of names, and landing on CAGE.
"Here's your coffee, Mr. Coppola."
"Goddamnit I've told you before my name is CAGE now! CAGE!"
I recently saw Rodriguez's "Once Upon A Time In Mexico." It was a horrible movie besides the fact that I don't understand why someone would make a movie where the CIA shooting up a bunch of random people in Mexico is a good thing. Rodriguez, what's wrong with you?
dex (anonymous) says…
you hate all the best movies, almost all of them anyway. but you forgot "starship troopers 2," that was awesome!
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Dude, it was left off the BAD list on purpose. Nothing as unintentionally awful as that escapes my attention. It had more laughs than The Passion, and the special effects were better. Plus, I fear the ghost of Heinlein more than I fear the ghost of Jesus.
Sdormat (anonymous) says…
Tom Cruise has to smell good. He's gay. duh.
edie_ (anonymous) says…
But no. Gay posing as straight makes a nasty stench. Think of repulsive cologne on top of the residual aroma of rough trade and you're on a Cruise.
OtherJoel (anonymous) says…
"Gay posing as straight makes a nasty stench. Think of repulsive cologne on top of the residual aroma of rough trade and you're on a Cruise."
I just about lost my shit with that one.
Carminella - all things Bruce Campbell are awesome.
Missed Napoleon Dynamite. Though I am a fan of Wes Anderson - looking forward to "The Life Aquatic."
Didn't see the Passion. I suppose I will see it to see what all the hype is about, but I skimmed the book, so there you go...
The remake shit is out of control. I think I went off on this earlier, so I'll spare you that rant. I hold similar feelings for the endless string of comic book crapfests...
"Eternal Sunshine..." one of those rare romantic comedies I actually liked. I think Charlie Kaufmann is one of the most unique voices in *mainstream* cinema. "Being John Malkovich" is still one of my all-time faves.
MAMAT (anonymous) says…
" I fear the ghost of Heinlein more than I fear the ghost of Jesus."
Perhaps the wisest thing he has said yet.....
Don't go to many movies (saw three this year; Farenheit 911, Ray and Strek II - all because I was going with folks who wanted to see them). Have read (in local/weekly news from community sources) that "Woman, Thou Art Loosed" is decent, but in short supply.
Tend to read Heinlein a whole lot more then I go to movies.... But reading Rob's stuff makes me want to see more...
Thanks!
RubyVroom (Chala Roberts-Fife) says…
"Sideways" was a great movie that I would highly recommend. I also really liked "I Heart Huckabees."
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
I just want to say that I was so thoroughly disappointed in the Paris Hilton Sex Tape. The acting was horrible, the props disposable, and don't get me started on the lighting. It was like watching two pretentious and self-obsessed teenagers fumble with their naughty bits. Two thumbs down.
obediantjane (anonymous) says…
i wish i could afford to see some movies, shitty or otherwise. i did manage to rent some gems though. we only made it to "eternal sunshine..." which i liked much better than the one movie we made it to last year "lost in translation"- i'm with you on Scarlett, but i did like Bill Murray and the stripper scene, but i'm a closet Peaches fan. imagine my disappointment when it wasn't even included on the soundtrack- the movie could have been SO much better, but i wasn't as nearly disappointed as when i saw "Monsters Ball"- i saw it based on an opinion of a friend, who incidently i dropped as a friend based on their raving about that heap of dung- H.B.'s acting was better in "B.A.P.S.", i swear. oh, and yes, "pink flamingos" is indeed awesome- although, i have had trouble trusting anyone to house sit since viewing it!
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says…
Oh man, Monster's Ball contained the worst sex scene EVER. It makes me shudder to even think about it.
Jester (Nick Spacek) says…
Halle Barry's acting in the "Monster's Ball" sex scene has its closest cinematic cousin in "Seven." Y'know that part at the end where Brad Pitt is freaking out and asking "what's in the box?"
Yeah... same over-emotive, yet completely lacking in emotion type of acting. The only thing that even comes close to those scenes would be Halle's Oscar acceptance speech.
1981 (Jason Barr) says…
First off....I know you secretly own Soul Plane (widescreen edition.) You showed it to me yesterday. Second....Merry Christmas! Third...Please watch the new Randy Christmas movie and tell me you loved it.
xoxoxo
pencer863 (anonymous) says…
Some of those movies shouldn't have been made, but this column shouldn't have been written, either. Embarrassing, obnoxious, and the sort of thing that proves the Lawrence.com staff needs adult supervision. No wonder college students can't write: they see people picking up paychecks for this garbage and figure they don't have to care about composing something worthwhile, either.
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Jokes on you, sweetums! I wrote this for FREE, baby! My reward is that asses were skewered. Thank you.
shannon (anonymous) says…
hey robbie--your blog reminds me of all of those nights in club 731 in hashinger, surrounded by eurythmics posters and assorted gore-tastic mementos courtesy of youreslf and one mr. johnny wagner. oh how i miss those days. glad to see your bark has gotten as bad as your bite, ha ha. now that i live in lawrence again all i really want is a decent cup of coffee without having to parade myself as itellectually deserving enough to drink it, and a little rant with my rock. you kick ass, rob. always have, and i have a feeling ya always will!--s
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Howdy-ho, Shannon, nice to hear form a fellow Hashie-- although, to be honest, most of that year is a fucking BLUR to me now... I wonder if the tenants of room 731 were able to get the smell out in '95? I have my doubts... If you see John again, give him a friendly swat on the arse for me!
deadanimals (anonymous) says…
Wow, this is like a family reunion. As a fellow Hashie of '94 I wanted to write in with my suport of your blog. I did want to comment on the review of "The Life Aquatic" not written by you, but posted in the Journal world. I thought it kind of ripped off you critisism of the hip movie genre. Have you seen the film? I think it had a decent amount of depth for an Wes Anderson Movie. What do you think?
Skunk (anonymous) says…
Since I'm a poor, former trailer-park resident, I can't affords to pay to see no movie. Sometimes I buys these movies on da pay-per-view, so don't see new releases as soon as you. God came to me in the night and told me to not see Napoleon Dynomite, cause he thought it was about Jimmy Walker's family. Then he went back to Kolab and I waked up and smelled the coffe, but not smart enough to get the taste. Notafinga!
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
I believe the movie you are referring to was "Napoleon Dy-NO-Mite!!!"
I think I had some Kolab with my rice pilaf this evening... it gave me the farts.
And I guess us trailer park types are lacking in the taste department after all... I just watched "Anchorman" and laughed so hard I blew snot on myself. Twice.
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says…
i watched bubba-hotep last night. it was total ass. the great one's performance as elvis was tepid and obvious, and he telegraphed his lame improvisations about 30 seconds before he delivered them. shitty script, no pacing, horrendous special effects. ossie davis was a highlight, but had nothing to work with. what a huge disappointment.
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says…
although i'm with carmenilla when it comes to employing the elderly. except for clint eastwood and mickey rourke.
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says…
to get over the malaise generated by the tried-too-hard-to-be-hokey bubba hotep, i watched (for about the 8th time) "the quick and the dead." now THAT movie is awful. awful GREAT! the peckinpah x 500 eye close-ups, the comic book violence, the bravado, the unrepentant gunslinging, the nonsense. this is the greatest western since "the long riders."
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says…
i'll just keep posting to myself. i find my pithy observations wildly entertaining, and i can't think of a better forum in which to vent my concerns about the pink panther re-make. why? why why why? why would anyone do this? it didn't work with that little italian guy that won an oscar, and he's strange enough to approach being almost strange enough to gaze at peter sellers' strangeness from across a room. and why hasn't anyone told steve martin that he's not funny anymore? this movie looks dismal. they didn't even have any funny scenes to put in the trailer. the acting, the timing. . . everything looks like a high school play - rehearsal, not performance.
murderama (Rob Gillaspie) says…
Hadn't heard about the PP remake-- But PHOOEY on you for brushing off Bubba Ho-Tep!
Did you hear about the remake of evil dead? without Raimi directing and without Campbell starring? Now THAT'S a fucking tragedy!
PS: I got your phone message, gaywad. Thanks for outing our "friendship" to my girlfirend like that... I thought we were keeping it strictly on the DL?
driftwood (Nick Schmiedeler) says…
whooooo!!!!!! i don't know if I could disagree more on some of that original blog way up at the top there -
* Scarlett Johannson is a great actress. Her role choices thus far in her career have pigeon-holed her somewhat as the waifish, soft-speaking wallflower, but she shouldn't be ripped for that.
* "Troy" was a pretty mindless piece of celluloid, agreed, BUT, it's entertainment value if only on an esthetic plain, was great. Good guy vs. bad guy in a mythical-free setting (actually making it LESS convoluted, a nice touch) - just a notquiteclassic period piece.
* And "Napolean Dynamite" - a GREAT movie - way tame, near no-plotter, sight gags, prat falls, coming of ager - the beauty lies in it's honesty about the brutality and awkwardness of surviving high school - an awesome flick, and something you can show young kids too - not too graphic, few profanities, etc. Hilarious low budgeter.
derek (anonymous) says…
wow, rob, you are bitter...take a vacation, get off the internet, get on some medication, but whatever you do stop watching movies