February 6, 2005
Okay, I admit it: I like bad movies. In fact, my fanaticism for all things low-budget hinges on OBSESSION. I'm not ashamed, no matter how much my friends may tease me about it. If spending every waking moment thinking about rubber-suited monsters and chainsaw-wielding girl gangs is unhealthy, so be it. If you ask me, there are far worse things a person could devote their time and energy to.For example: Every night, before I fall asleep, I say a silent prayer to whatever gods dictate my fate that I don't DIE and come back to life as a SPORTS FAN. ![][1] This town, being a college town, LIVES and DIES according to whatever sporting event is in vogue at the moment. On game days, I can't walk down the street without being confronted by families of bloated, mealy mouthed inbreds, team sweatshirts tucked into their stonewashed pants, drooling and wheezing as they cram McShit into their greasy holes. Nothing delights me more than hearing some dildo fratboy "WHOOOOOOO!" down the street at three in the morning on his way home from a hard night of tailgating and date-raping. My favorite diners and dive bars are slowly being subverted into arenas for HOT WINGS and FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION SETS, and ninety percent of the conversations I overhear start with, "So, whudja think about THE GAME last night?" ![][2] Now that basketball season is in full swing, the awfulness has reached a boiling point. Ignorant assholes come into the bakery all the time, looking for directions to the nearest banner-soliciting hell hole, usually prefacing their inquiries with "I drove all the way from Topeka..." For those who don't know, Topeka is less than twenty miles away, which probably seems like a LIGHT YEAR for these fucking groundhogs. They take up all the parking spaces in town, even going so far as to park in people's yards, and not a single one of them has an OUNCE of respect for pedestrian crosswalks... Not that the cops around here would lift a finger to help if one of these nacho-munching pricks ran someone over while speeding through a red light. After all, they're SPORTS FANS, their money keeps this city afloat. Why shouldn't the rest of us just lay down and fucking die for them?And as for the athletes themselves... don't even get me started. For the life of me, I'll NEVER understand why people continue to support these animals. I mean, don't these guys have to enroll in mandatory "sensitivity" classes just so they can learn how NOT to rape someone? Isn't it true that the athletic department buys them all HOOKERS at the end of a season as some sort of participation award? Why is it that Johnny Textbook has to flip burgers to pay his way towards a degree, while Mungo gets a free ride because he's been trained to chase a rubber ball up and down the court? Fetch the ball, Mungo! Here's your complimentary diploma! Try not to catch any more VD's on your way to the next CRACK PIPE, okay? Give me a break...Frankly, the only way I could enjoy a sporting event wold be if they brought back GLADIATOR MATCHES. At least then I'd have the pleasure of seeing one of these bastards DIE every night. 
A recurring fantasy of mine:Two sports fans are watching THE GAME. The television announcer barks phrases at them like, "Ball handling," and "Receiving end." Gradually, the excitement overtakes them and they rises to their feet, high fiving like there's no tomorrow... As their team rushes to victory, the announcer screams "DEEEEEEEEEP PENETRAAAATIONNNNNN!!!!" and they collapse into each others arms, immediately engaging in a sweaty round of HOT ANAL SEX. Afterwards, they sit on the couch and look around the room, embarassed."Dude, we ain't, like, fags now or anything, are we?""Aw, no way, bra. Long as we got our Chiefs hats on, we're still straightern' nails.""Suh-weet, dude! Slap me a high-fiver and pass me another Bud, willya?"I hate you, sports fans. Please, just go away. Choke to death on a batter-fried turd and go to hell in a fanny pack. Leave me in peace to enjoy this double feature of VAMPYROS LESBOS and SHE KILLED IN ECSTACY, okay? Thank you! One last thing: While I was cruising for pictures of sports fans to post, I came across this image of people holding a candle light vigil for DALE EARNHARDT. Tell me... is there anything more pathetic? Methinks not! 
[1]: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v72/murderama/sports5.jpg [2]: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v72/murderama/KC208.jpg
Comments
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Snoop (anonymous) says...
Ok I'll admit I was going to respond to your rant with one of my own defending the typical sports fan but I can't.
I have often said that I wish there was a Men in Black mind erasing thingy that would zap my interest in sports. Maybe because I'm older but the utter stupidity of fans these days and the greed and ignorance of the players today have really sunk the value and the fun of watching sports.
After a recent trip to a Chiefs game I kept lamenting the absolute waste of the $60 I put into the event.
At a Royals game this year the enjoyment was almost ruined because a vast number of the jackass fans who brought their kids could not control them, the occasional fans who obviously have never been to a game did not understand the concept of sit the hell down walking up and down the stairs talking on their cell phones and the drunk bastard who almost fell on me.
Between Kobe and Steroids and contract negotiations and Coach Self having to tell the fans to behave it gets old. Sports continue to bring out the worse in society.
However in our busy lives we need some outlet, however the fact that more domestic abuse cases happen in the hours after a Super Bowl and it is increasing each year just further illustrates our human decline. This is why I find it much more fun to play football on X-box than watch it on TV
February 7, 2005 at 9:21 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says...
My friends and I have had a running joke that we should all adopt a the Sports Fan way of life, but apply it in ways that makes us happy. For instance, if the Spencer were to acquire a pivotal, say, Duchamp, then a bunch of us would run out in the street and tip a car over before setting it on fire.
February 7, 2005 at 9:23 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Carmenilla (anonymous) says...
Oh that was refreshing! I've grown up in this town and have seen 3 decades of idiotic fan(atic) behavior. Does wearing a baseball cap depicting your favorite team cut off the blood flow to your beer soaked brain, sports fans? It must because what a bunch of jackholes you all are! I feel lucky to have married an equally avid sports-hater. We absolutely love when games are on because that means we can go out to dinner or hit the grocery store and know that there will be little or no traffic and that the errands we have to run won't be impeded by yuppie cattle. If anyone ever wanted to take over Lawrence all they would have to do is look at a KU basketball schedule and plan our doom accordingly! But the real question is why do people love sports so much. It seems ironic considering we are such an apathetic and lazy society.
February 7, 2005 at 11:13 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Snoop (anonymous) says...
Love of sport is no different than people who have a love of theater, movies, music whatever. Idiocy also applies to people who trek to concerts and scream at the top of their lungs at some jackass who happens to be able to carry a tune or play an instrument.
We all have our vices.
Rooting for my favorite sports teams brings back fond memories. In the 70's Oakland California was a great place to be. The Oakland A's, Raiders, Warriors won championships and teachers would allow us to watch the games on TV provided we did well on our tests. It was a pride thing; it actually brought the community together.
Today it is actually a curse for your favorite team to win as fans of that cursed city will undoubtedly tear the freaken place up.
People today are screwed up. Protestors walking down the street chanting "Fuck Bush" while mothers stroll down Mass with their kids, Mothers in theaters with screaming kids who don't give a damm about the other patrons trying to enjoy a nice outing. Bad ass kids in the grocery store aisles, people blaring music from their crappy car stereos, people who don't cut their grass, cut you off on the roads, have their dogs crap on the sidewalks, talk on cell phones while driving, people who have bad BO and are oblivious. I'm in agreement that sports fans are jacked up but they have gotten worse because society overall has gotten worse.
February 7, 2005 at 12:23 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
chrisgladfelter (anonymous) says...
I grew up as a huge KU basketball fan. When I became a KU student, I went to all the home games---I even camped outside Allen Fieldhouse overnight just to make sure that my friends and I would get front-row seats to the next game. The crowds were always loud, but I remember a few games when it was so thunderous that the vibrations shook my bones and drowned out the band. Being in that type of environment among 16,000 people who share your interests (if only for a few hours) can give you a massive adrenaline rush. It can be addictive. That's why I still watch KU games every now and then, even though I know I could doing more productive activities.
However...
Many people take sports way too seriously and turn camaraderie into mob mentality. When I was a student I hated people from K-State and Missouri because it was "us" versus "them." I'm sure I would've chanted obscenities at the opposing team right along with the other students. Now, 10 years later and far removed from the mob, I see how ridiculous it is. But it's a way of life for a lot of people because it gives them a sense of belonging. If they identify themselves as fans of Team X, no matter how much their lives suck they can go to a game or sports bar and be with others just like them. They share happiness when the team wins and commiserate when the team loses. Unfortunately, not enough people can convince themselves that it's just a game.
February 7, 2005 at 12:50 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
I must admit - I see both sides. I am not particularly "sporty" by inclination, having always been highly uncoordinated and lacking in the urge to belong to any group for too long or by too much. Pack mentality always frightened me. However, I love a man who loves sports, and who has gone to a lot of time and trouble to explain and defend that trait. So I have mellowed a bit, and no longer view ALL rabid sports fans as mouth breathing neandrathals.... What my beef with sports fans can be boiled down to are two things: Lack of perspective and lack of civility. And then, when you think about it, the decline in humanity's ability to have balance on either of those things is not limited to sport fans alone. Rather, in general, it seems a lot of people lack respect and civility. Doesnt' it seem that there are more people then ever who can only see one side of anything (pick a topic/obsession) and/or who regard anyone on "the other side" of that position or obsession as less than human? Perhaps sports is (as they say) the ultimate replacement for war. But anymore, it seems like it's yet another excuse for war like behaviors. Respect and civility. Will they soon go the way of the dodo bird?
February 7, 2005 at 2:26 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
edie_ (anonymous) says...
Wonderful blog! What is it about sports that makes the fan base feel things just aren't right in the world unless they're out there drowning the rest of us in their jackass mayonnaise? I'm sure my own personal obsessions are deep enough to teeter on the edge of what some consider to be natural and healthy. However I don't have to bulldoze the populus with twenty million TV channels, magazines, radio stations, ridiculous banners, clothing lines, fight songs, news headlines and (worst of all) sports bars about it.
Anyway, I and millions of others comfortable in their sexuality are glowing in the hilarious affirmation of the blog. xoxo
February 7, 2005 at 5:38 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Snoop (anonymous) says...
"But it's a way of life for a lot of people because it gives them a sense of belonging."
CG you nailed it. For some that sense of belonging is a natural human trait. Crazed sports fans live for those games and glorious moments because that euphoria from their team succeeding is the only measure of "perceived success" they will ever have. They did not accomplish jack but they feel that they did.
And if they fail.....well, you have thousands of other shoulders to cry on and mourn with.
Like I mentioned before when the Oakland teams were winning people were nicer EVERYWHERE. In Oaktown the teachers seemed nicer, crime went down, the police did not beat people as much, birds did not crap on your cars, the sun seemed to shine brighter. Oakland was a town in the shadow of glossy San Francisco. The famous quote about Oakland "There is no there, there", but win the teams were winning championships the city gained an identity, national identity.
Today it does not apply. Like in the other blog that talked about Coach Self having to get the fans to cut back on the profanity and the crude behavior. Those people are not true "fans", they just get off on being part of the mob mentality. And to those who can't grasp the fact that it is just a game frankly may not have anything else in life to feel good about.
Heck if your marriage or relationship sucks, your job sucks, you have few friends, you don't go out, few if any interests or hobbies, no kids to focus on OR you want to get away from them, you were a failed jock, what better way to focus all of your anger, angst, pride or joy on than some sports team. Its one of the few emotional things guys will "share" with each other.
February 8, 2005 at 4:38 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says...
rob. . .
you're busted, sporto! you knew that it's basketball season.
in all seriousness, you're forgetting one thing; the sports programs at KU generate millions of dollars that, like the lottery, go directly into education. and by education i mean sports programs. while the film and art departments (read: faggots) languish in outdated buildings with outdated equipment, high-fiving douchebags are talking about new stadiums.
if sports were completely eliminated from our lives, there would be absolutely no change in our quality of life. it might make people unhappy for a while, but if there's one thing i've learned about sports fans, it's that their attention spans are on par with those of hummingbirds. remember the baseball strike of a few years ago? the "last straw" for thousands of fed-up sports fans? lemmings.
i was reading mike rigg's blog about out-of-control sports fans, and i was astounded that he felt that idiotic behavior by sports fans and athletes was a recent trend. i have a game called "one degree of sports separation." you take any heinous event in human history, and discover how it was ultimately caused by a "sporting" mentality. not much of a game really, as it's not very challenging.
February 8, 2005 at 11:18 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
chrisgladfelter (anonymous) says...
Maybe our society just follows the wrong sports. There isn't any mob mentality with freeze tag.
February 8, 2005 at 12:07 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
CG - there could be mob mentality with freeze tag... For those so inclined. Some folks just like "belonging". Others are allergic to that particular tendency. Which ever way you swing, the tendency to think the other side is just plain nuts is very tempting.
Snoop - right on.
Edie - brilliant blog comment to the brillian blog writer
See - we are all agreeing....our team*(s) must be winning! LOL
February 8, 2005 at 12:17 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
godjilla (Jill Ensley) says...
I believe it was on one of those sacred Game Days a few weeks ago when I mistakenly decided to go downtown to kill some time. While weaving in and out of the throngs of crimson and blue cattle, I shuddered as I heard some douchebag extraordinaire blaring Chumbawumba's "Tubthumper"(or whatever the hell that song was). Then while at La Familia, the bloated beast to my right decided he liked the free chips so much he started LICKING THE PAPER.
This is when I decided to go home.
February 8, 2005 at 12:28 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
OtherJoel (anonymous) says...
I, for one, take offense to this blog. As one who enjoys holding beer kegs in the air, screaming, painting my belly, praying to my Dale altar, and starting fights with Mizzou fans, I think you fail to see the true beauty of sports, Mr. Gillaspie, in that our outwardly boisterous actions are merely an outlet for conflicts within... Wait - what was I saying? Oh yeah -- ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK BABY!
Licking chip paper rules.
February 8, 2005 at 2:35 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
MasterOfPuppets (anonymous) says...
What is the whole fucking deal with all the parking lots being RESERVED for people going to Allen Field House ?! I get frustrated everytime I plan to go the Engineering or Anschutz library and I cannot park on any parking lot (even though they were completely empty) because they were reserved for the game. I like sports, but isn't sports supposed to be a diversion ? Why should the whole university grind to a halt everytime there is a KU home game ?
February 8, 2005 at 9:13 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Can you say MONEY M of P??? The sporting side of a major university pays a lot of money (granted, a ton of that moola is plowed right back into the machine that generated it...but still...$ is $). I for one think there is some lurking consumer protection issue when students/staff are asked to pay money for parking, and then that commodity is summarily made impossible to take advantage of when/if sporting events take place! But then, if I could afford the premo reserved spots, and season tickets, I'd probably feel differently..... Sing along - "Money makes the world go round...the world go round" (Best sung with thick German accent)....
February 8, 2005 at 9:24 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
MasterOfPuppets (anonymous) says...
MONEY ... that's the problem ?! Don't they earn enough dough by selling tickets to the game ? How does the Athletics department spend all that money ? Here is a suggestion, why not organize public transportation from and to the game so that both the problems of parking and traffic congestion are solved simultaneously ? They can charge like 25 cents for a ride to take care of fuel and maintenance expenses. Why isn't anyone exploring alternatives ?
February 9, 2005 at 12:50 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Bad_Brad (anonymous) says...
Snoop - the "domestic violence is the highest on Super Bowl Sunday" story is an urban legend.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/statistic...
I am a HUGE sports fan. While I agree that a great many people take sports way too seriously (not the least of whom are the players and coaches), this "Super Bowl makes men beat their wives" story is one that should be dispelled as simply wrong.
February 9, 2005 at 2:14 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
seth (anonymous) says...
Yes! You have said it. Fuck the debate. Die, fuckers, die!
For example, one of my most lasting memories of the KU experience was being berated by a football fan for parking across the street from Watson Library on a game day. Hello!?!?! I'm a student. Doing something academic! God fucking forbid!
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEIDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
February 9, 2005 at 8:48 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
campblood (anonymous) says...
I 100% agree with you Mr. Gillaspie. If I'm interrupted one more time by a group of assholes shouting "Rock Chock Jayhawk" while I'm trying to watch a movie, I will shoot myself in the face. Either way it's gonna suck for me.
February 13, 2005 at 3 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )