Posted
by Rob Gillaspie
October 17, 2005 at 1:26 p.m.
I Enjoyed My Abortion...
From the Department of Too Much Information:I just took a huge shit. It was thoroughly satisfying. Why am I telling you this? Because for almost a week, there was no movement down below... I don't know what it is about the food at Quintiles, but no matter how much they feed you, there's nothing to show for it... if you know what I mean. But now, one day of freedom and several cheap beers later, the mail is finally running again. I know you were all very concerned.So... I was going to post THIS as my new blog:[http://www.livejournal.com/users/scary_manilow/836.html][1]But, as you might have guessed, complications arose... and rather than let Phil take another bullet for me over this one, I decided to let it go. Who says I'm not a team player? During my frantic back-and-forth with Lawrence.com (using the computers in the Quintiles rec-room is nothing short of a nightmare; you have to put in a crank and wind them up every five minutes or the whole system collapses), I was informed that the images I wanted to post were "hateful," which I think really misses the point. Mean-spirited? Sure. Tasteless? Absolutely. But hateful? Back up, cowboy. "Hateful" is killing your child's pet and bragging about it online. "Hateful" is suggesting that welfare moms should be gassed to death so they'll stop having babies. I'm simply having a good time with bad words... So what if I tear a little moral fiber while I'm at it? Those sensibilites deserve to be offended every now and then. Gives them a reason to feel... PERSECUTED, for lack of a better word.There I go again, acting superior. A week-long jaunt at the medical research facility sometimes does that to me. Laying there in bed, alone with my thoughts... My brain has too much time to wander. It's a symptom of my condition, I guess. I'm a first-rate assholist, and I don't think I'll ever be cured.Flash back to my first day on the study: Two nurse were talking over my bed as they drained fifty gallons of blood from my arm."Antoine just called... They sent me a copy of my mamma's death certificate. And a note.""What did it say?""Said I never bought my mamma nothing that was of no value, and since I was never around 'cept to cause trouble, they don't see why I should get any of the stuff that she had at her house. I'm SO mad, let me tell you...""You gonna talk to a lawyer?""A lawyer? Bitch, it's on. I'm CRAZY mad. Soon as I get off work, I'm going right over there and starting shit. I"m taking my pony tail down and stepping up.""You could always just get a cop to go over there with you...""No way. FUCK THAT! I'm CRAZY mad. I'm gonna smash up some windows and chairs and shit. You'll like it if I'm not in jail tonight."Sadly, that was the most exciting thing that happened during my seven-day stay. I didn't make any new friends or enemies, I didn't even make connections on a superficial level. There were no whore-mongering ex-crack dealers, no one-fingered white power skinheads, no international black marketeers. The guys on this study were totally BORING. And irritating, too. For example: one night they all got into a heated discussion about Creationism versus Evolution... Only, nobody was arguing FOR evolution, you see. They were trying to determine who was the most hard-core creationist. Superstitious fucks. Do these people still throw stones at the sky every time it thunders? Drill holes in their scalps to release the invisible headache demons?Naturally, I didn't get involved, because I didn't want to get burned at the stake as a witch... God forbid any of them should have discovered that I'm secretly left handed. We were all playing "Scattergories" on night in the rec room. The letter was "Q." The category was "Things That Frighten You." Trying to be witty, I wrote down QUICK (STRAWBERRY). Everybody else in my group wrote down QUEERS. I don't know what sort of MASS TRAGEDY befell these guys at the hands of the gay community, but they all seemed to agree that QUEERS are something we should all be frightened of. And all of them seemed to like Strawberry Quick, too. Is there something I'm missing here? Sheesh. _ It should be noted that Phil was still going to post the blog. His concern lay in the fact that I used a bunch of pirated images I found on Google image search, coupled them with inflammatory rhetoric, and decided to post them online. Entirely understandable. As a compromise, he suggested that I black out their eyes, so there you go._ [1]: http://www.livejournal.com/users/scary_manilow/836.html
and 1 others
Comments
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rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says…
So , did you grow hamster ears yet?( I allready know you have a tail and webbed feet, you sexy bitch)See you tomorrow morning fucker.
quinn (Patrick Quinn) says…
"I'm taking my pony tail down and stepping up."
Priceless. Can't be made up.
"Do these people still throw stones at the sky every time it thunders? " Yes.
The livejournal is vy interesting.
scary_manilow (anonymous) says…
Another good quote, which I overheard from a conversation in the rec room: "Really, I don't want to stick to any one genre of music when I play... I want to invent a NEW genre of music. Kinda like Dave Matthews did."
chrysanthalbee (chrys anthalbee) says…
"pleasing taste, some monsterism"
scary_manilow (anonymous) says…
Monsterism, yes. Pleasing taste? NO.
El_Borak (Bill Hoyt) says…
"I'm a first-rate assholist, and I don't think I'll ever be cured."
Dude, you're totally not. When you got to the Pig tonight, you held the door for a lady who was leaving: goth chick, knee-high boots, black, ankle-length dress with chains running up the side. Remember that? Probably not, because you did it without thinking.
In other words, these words aside, you're a gentleman.
I know, I'm surprised, too.
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says…
Yeah, Rawb, you're really a nice guy, in person. And -Edie-? A fucking gem. The only person besides myself whom I've heard admit to being a drag queen trapped in a woman's body.
I liked you both a lot.
El_Borak (Bill Hoyt) says…
"you're really a nice guy, in person"
I'm reminded of Marshall Samuel Gerard in "The Fugitive," played to hardassed excellence by Tommy Lee Jones. All through the film he's heartless and cold, until the end, when he removes the cuffs from Dr. Kimball and puts ice on his hands. Kimball looks at him, confused, and says, "I thought you didn't care."
"I don't," he says, smiling. "Don't tell anyone, OK?"
So we'd better shush, or we'll ruin Rob's reputation.