Career Opportunities

Been trying for more than a month to outpace this dreadful nose-throat-head-brain infection that's been making the rounds... And by "trying to outpace," of course, I mean, "Drinking and smoking dope and staying out too late for several nights on end." Predictably, I've suddenly found myself very ill. Raw throat, pink snot, cruddy eyes, the works. I can't believe I didn't see this coming.It doesn't help that I've four-walled myself into a tireless work schedule--late nights at the bar, early mornings at the print shop, with just a couple of hours' worth of nap time between shifts. Given a free moment and the proper amount of energy, I could probably conquer this bug via a one-two punch of gym time and marathon sex... But alas, I still have a full 24 hours to go before my holiday weekend officially starts. Someone play me a violin solo, will ya?I did manage to pick up the new Thomas Pynchon novel today, which warms my black little heart... Ten pages in, and I'm already convinced he's locked for the Nobel. Not that he probably cares one way or another.In other news...I finally, FINALLY got the chance to see the much-hyped TCM UNDERGROUND this weekend... While I was astounded that Turner had the stones to screen FREAKS during the holiday season, I have to admit that Rob Zombie kind of put a damper on things by scowling at the camera and speaking in a tired monotone whenever he appeared on screen. Which is why, in the interest of BETTER ENTERTAINMENT, I have prepared the following telegram to my dear friends Millie and Eric, the original brains behind this show:Dear TCM Underground,_Dump the ZERO. Get with the HERO. Or HEROES, in this case. I understand Rob Zombie is a difficult man to work with, and although I get a nervous pants-smile whenever HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES comes on TV, he strikes me as a typically unpleasant human being with a crippling lack of personal charisma. Don't believe me? Check out this picture from his high school yearbook, senior year:[Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting][1]_Just look at that face, at those eyes. Is this the kind of person you want representing your channel to countless members of the viewing public? This pasty faced, pit-scarred misanthrope?_If you'll notice, his last name isn't even "Zombie," it's "Cummings," which is ironic because his presence makes me want to do anything BUT.Your show is great, one of the best film shows on cable. But it needs a little something EXTRA, something to keep your fledgling audience coming back week after week. Call it what you what: panache, zip, raw animal magnetism, whatever... The sheer amount of STAR QUALITY you need is far to great to cram into a single human body, so I'm offering you TWO hosts for the price of ONE:[Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting][1]_It goes without saying that these two would-be celebs have the necessary sex appeal to fill this position, er, I mean slot, I mean... Whatever. Admit it, your underthings are already damp just thinking about it. But your (hopeful) new hosts bring more to the table than just pretty a pretty face and a hardwired libido. They've got charm, they've got taste, and most important of all, they've got an unparalleled knowledge of useless cinematic trivia at their disposal. Their vast understanding of cult cinema is like an unlocked treasure vault, just waiting to be passed on to your viewers. Who are you to deprive the world of this learning experience? _Think about it. Isn't it obvious that the world needs less of THIS:

[Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting][1]_And more of THIS:
[Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting][1]_???????????????????????????????????? _The fate of our country hinges on your response. Don't fuck this up, TCM.Sincerely,A huge fan.And finally...My "Christmas Needs" list, for those who are keeping track:A JUGHEAD HAT:[Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting][1]A BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN TATTOO:[Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting][1]And pretty much ANYTHING on my Amazon Wish List:[MY XMAS NEEDS][2]What are you guys waiting for? GET TO IT! [1]: http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank [2]: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html/104-3111433-8047965?ie=UTF8&type=wishlist&id=3U0A2XWYX46W1

Comments

Aufbrezeln Eschaton 15 years, 7 months ago

If I remember my Archie comics correctly, Jughead's hat/crown was made of newspapers. I suggest you have the lovely and talented Curvacia whip one up for you and cover it in packing tape, and then reward her with a few hours of oral pleasure.

lori 15 years, 7 months ago

When you are listing the qualities you and Curvacia bring to the table, your single red eye should be one of them. That's a great pic, holding the skull, fixing your laser eye on the camera.

cvillehawk 15 years, 7 months ago

It's probably like The Terminator, where he sees the possible comebacks listed in order of preference on his screen.

alm77 15 years, 7 months ago

Rob, so many times when I read your blogs I can't help but think you must have been one of those kids who constantly got lectured about your "potential".

I totally think you should submit you letter to TMC. You definately have potential... ;)

Rob Gillaspie 15 years, 7 months ago

Hey, Editer-- Can we get this spam removed form the talkback? When did that shit start happening around here, anyway?

cfdxprt 15 years, 7 months ago

I suggested removal...I'm sure it'll be tomorrow before anything happens.

For those of us who are just dumb, can you explain what TCM is? I think I might like watching it - send your letter, what's there to lose?

edie_ 15 years, 7 months ago

TCM is Turner Classic Movies. TCM Underground is their fabulous cult movie show on Friday nights, the brainchild of our pals Millie and Eric who work there. You should tune in. Millie and Eric do the programming for it and the line-up of movies is always spot on. If we had cable we'd always be watching it, but it's pretty fortunate that we don't otherwise I'd never get anything done.

Mitzibel, what an EXCELLENT idea you have there!

Aufbrezeln Eschaton 15 years, 7 months ago

Cool, so do I get in on the coat-stravaganza? You only found your gorgeous dress again because I have spiffy Friends, after all. I would offer to trade you this lovely Hepburn-esque green tweed with mink collar and matching mink hat, but if I remember right, your politics are totally anti-fur, right? Ah, well, someday I'll find someone who will love it as much as I. . .

edie_ 15 years, 7 months ago

Yay! You want to come to the coat trade-off? That would be splendid!

Aufbrezeln Eschaton 15 years, 7 months ago

You know, Steph and I were plotting how much alcohol it would take to make you pass out so we could steal those boots.

edie_ 15 years, 7 months ago

Good LUCK! You'd have to figure out how to reverse the psychic uber-gravity force that now exists between my feet and the boots. Ever since the day these silver pointy boots whispered to me from the shelves of Opportunity Village Thrift Store in Vegas I've been so enamored with them that I practically wear them to bed. ( Mr. Manilow doesn't seem to mind. :^) Hey, we should plan more coatstravaganzas. That was a complete blast seeing you guys and now I'm making a pilgrimage to see the head outline on the Iowa Street bridge. Cheers.

alm77 15 years, 7 months ago

Rob, today's headlines: "Second candidate announces for city commission" I got all excited, but alas, it is but a different Rob....

Come on man, your ideas are just as good as theirs.

spinsparx 15 years, 7 months ago

everybody knows rob zombie is one of the nicest celebrities out there.

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