Lawrence.com

Been trying for more than a month to outpace this dreadful nose-throat-head-brain infection that's been making the rounds... And by "trying to outpace," of course, I mean, "Drinking and smoking dope and staying out too late for several nights on end." Predictably, I've suddenly found myself very ill. Raw throat, pink snot, cruddy eyes, the works. I can't believe I didn't see this coming.It doesn't help that I've four-walled myself into a tireless work schedule--late nights at the bar, early mornings at the print shop, with just a couple of hours' worth of nap time between shifts. Given a free moment and the proper amount of energy, I could probably conquer this bug via a one-two punch of gym time and marathon sex... But alas, I still have a full 24 hours to go before my holiday weekend officially starts. Someone play me a violin solo, will ya?I did manage to pick up the new Thomas Pynchon novel today, which warms my black little heart... Ten pages in, and I'm already convinced he's locked for the Nobel. Not that he probably cares one way or another.In other news...I finally, FINALLY got the chance to see the much-hyped TCM UNDERGROUND this weekend... While I was astounded that Turner had the stones to screen FREAKS during the holiday season, I have to admit that Rob Zombie kind of put a damper on things by scowling at the camera and speaking in a tired monotone whenever he appeared on screen. Which is why, in the interest of BETTER ENTERTAINMENT, I have prepared the following telegram to my dear friends Millie and Eric, the original brains behind this show:Dear TCM Underground,_Dump the ZERO. Get with the HERO. Or HEROES, in this case. I understand Rob Zombie is a difficult man to work with, and although I get a nervous pants-smile whenever HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES comes on TV, he strikes me as a typically unpleasant human being with a crippling lack of personal charisma. Don't believe me? Check out this picture from his high school yearbook, senior year:[][1]_Just look at that face, at those eyes. Is this the kind of person you want representing your channel to countless members of the viewing public? This pasty faced, pit-scarred misanthrope?_If you'll notice, his last name isn't even "Zombie," it's "Cummings," which is ironic because his presence makes me want to do anything BUT.Your show is great, one of the best film shows on cable. But it needs a little something EXTRA, something to keep your fledgling audience coming back week after week. Call it what you what: panache, zip, raw animal magnetism, whatever... The sheer amount of STAR QUALITY you need is far to great to cram into a single human body, so I'm offering you TWO hosts for the price of ONE:[][1]_It goes without saying that these two would-be celebs have the necessary sex appeal to fill this position, er, I mean slot, I mean... Whatever. Admit it, your underthings are already damp just thinking about it. But your (hopeful) new hosts bring more to the table than just pretty a pretty face and a hardwired libido. They've got charm, they've got taste, and most important of all, they've got an unparalleled knowledge of useless cinematic trivia at their disposal. Their vast understanding of cult cinema is like an unlocked treasure vault, just waiting to be passed on to your viewers. Who are you to deprive the world of this learning experience? _Think about it. Isn't it obvious that the world needs less of THIS:

[][1]_And more of THIS:[][1]_???????????????????????????????????? _The fate of our country hinges on your response. Don't fuck this up, TCM.Sincerely,A huge fan.And finally...My "Christmas Needs" list, for those who are keeping track:A JUGHEAD HAT:[][1]A BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN TATTOO:[][1]And pretty much ANYTHING on my Amazon Wish List:[MY XMAS NEEDS][2]What are you guys waiting for? GET TO IT! [1]: http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank [2]: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html/104-3111433-8047965?ie=UTF8&type=wishlist&id=3U0A2XWYX46W1