Posted
by April Fleming
November 15, 2006 at 12:29 p.m.
Spange Me!
Like most people, I get mixed feelings when asked for money by someone on the street - typically, it's an odd combination of guilt, embarrassment and to be honest, irritation. The guilt comes from 1) a natural response to being a "have" in the company of a "have not" and 2) from being raised by Irish Catholics. The embarrassment is a result of my never knowing how to react to it it's a bit awkward when you tell someone you haven't got any cash on you and moments later, they witness you cruising back by with a pizza box or shopping bag. Irritation, unfortunately, stems from this being a frequent and uncomfortable experience. 
This isn't about the homeless population in Lawrence, which in my experience, are usually pretty respectful. I don't believe in the Giuliani-style "throw 'em in Jersey!" philosophy to dealing with the problem either I don't think it's a bad thing to be reminded, after making a frivolous purchase, that your money could be going to someone who probably needs it more than you do those wicked new shoes. However, there is another side of panhandling that has been thriving in Lawrence for years. These are the "spangers", known also as the dirty white kids with dreads and their requisite mangy-looking dog that ask for your money outside of the bar. I really don't want to give the impression that I hate everyone who hops trains, wears dirty black clothes with patches and/or listens to metal I don't. I do care about a lot of locals and travelers who embrace hardcore music and a general (if not sometimes vague) anti-establishment attitude - I even live with one such fellow, who is one of the best roommates I've ever had. But as we see, there are two sides to this social group those that work to improve their scene through music and (cough: show me the money!) political action, and what my roommate calls "Oogles." To provide an example of Oogle behavior, I was once at a friend's house enjoying an afternoon beer when some Oogles from Tennessee came over with a box of wine from Ma and Pa's Liquor Store. One of them, a girl, asked my friend if he had a turkey baster. He directed her to the kitchen and when curiosity got the better of him he inquired "What for?" She looked at us without smiling, and asked, "Do you guys want a wine enema?" When we politely declined, she looked at us as if we had just maimed and eaten baby seals alive at a PETA rally. One more do you remember the dude who let his foot rot off last year? Yeah. The LJ World didn't really elaborate ([check it out][1]) on why it happened, but the for real story is that the guy stepped on a nail and let the thing get so infected it led to gangrene and eventually he had to have his foot amputated. Really. Major. Oogle. Inching towards the point, Oogles are typically (but not always) the ones sitting outside of the Replay asking for money. While I don't or can't always give money to the homeless, I unequivocally refuse to give money to Oogles. Not just because they 8 out of 10 times will just walk straight behind you into the bar, but also because many of these kids act entitled to the money _I_ spent 40 hours this week watching the clock for. Another example: one evening, I watched my friend Eric walk by a group of three young Oogles outside of the Red Lyon and as he passed by, they asked him for a few bucks. Without missing a step, he shot them a "Nope, sorry." The group instantly started berating him for being a selfish yuppie a bit odd, seeing how he's not particularly young, urban or professional. As I mentioned, it's the attitude of privilege that makes my brain feel like it's being sucked into a black hole. When a person willingly imagines himself to be on the level of someone who really is down with very few options, or even someone whose mental disability wholly prevents them from being able to improve their lives, all he truly is entitled to is a kick in the head. [1]: http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2005/jul...
and 12 others
Comments
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cvillehawk (anonymous) says…
Gosh, if those kids don't think it's cool to care about or have money, why do they spend so much time asking for it?
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says…
WINE enema.
Wine ENema.
Wine eNEMa.
Wine eneMA.
Hmm.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
dolores2175 (April Fleming) says…
The enema thing happened almost two years ago, but every time it comes up I have to ask myself, wait, sucker... seriously, did that actually happen?
She asked us more than once. Goo. Can you imagine asking strangers to do anything butt-related in their own house?
theemotleycrude (anonymous) says…
Amen, April!
chrisgladfelter (anonymous) says…
My friends call these kids "gutter punks."
I'll usually drop a dollar or two into the hat/can/guitar case if the person is playing an instrument. I rather enjoy the street musicians. However, this doesn't include the girl who sits on the sidewalk and monotonously shakes the maracas like some death-watch beetle. Hell, I can do that.
scary_manilow (anonymous) says…
Is this really the first time any of you have heard of wine enemas? Really? Wow... I'm more worldly than I thought.
Having once been one of these kids myself, I can state with some authority that many of them come from well-balanced, upper middle class backgrounds (unlike myself, trailer park raised and damn proud of it)... Problem is, you can only go about shocking your parents for so long before The Lifestyle gets on top of you, and what happens then? You're just another statistic, kid... Scabby and lousy and All Fucked Up.
And that kid with one foot? He just got banned from the bar where I work, and I couldn't be happier. That guy is a waste of sperm and egg if there ever was one. Good riddance.
altheasus (Althea Schnacke) says…
Next thing you know, they'll be wanting to borrow tampons to soak in vodka. Really, the only difference between these kids and the patchoulli soaked hippies of yesteryear is the smell.
This reminds me of a stupid lightbulb joke:
"How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Anarchists can't change anything"
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says…
When I get pan-handled by someone who actually looks like they've missed a few meals, if I have the cash on me and some to spare, I find it's best to take said person and said cash to the nearest McDonalds (or whatever other food selling place is nearby) and give the money to the store to feed said person till said money runs out. That way I know it's not spent pickling livers and I don't have to live with the Irish Catholic guilt as much. It usually only takes 10 minutes of my time, or less, and I can be on my way without too much worry over "did I do the right thing?" If the pan-handler turns down my offer, then they really aren't that hungry, now are they? Same with the "I need XYZ (place to stay, job, etc.). I tend to offer resources to get those things directly, rather then just throwing money at the problem to ease my conscience and make a get away. And while charity should probably not have to be doled out based upon worthiness (don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing), it sure feels more "right" not to be feeding an unhealthy addiction or self-destructive behavior!
TheEleventhStephanie (anonymous) says…
God, the smell. It's like they purposely cultivate it. Eek.
TheEleventhStephanie (anonymous) says…
Terry! You let strangers get in your car on a regular basis?! You're more brave than I am.
edie_ (anonymous) says…
Honesty is my policy and wouldn't you just know it? The darnest thing...often these folks happen to catch me on my way to the bar. I tell them that I can't spare any cash because I'm about to spend it generously tipping the bartender who is about to serve me drinks.
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says…
give the guttersnipes a sound thrashing with a cudgel....it makes you feel better and they get a real limp to help them add authenticity to their beggar routine.
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says…
Ugh. Not only do I get hit up for money, but I often get hit *on*, as well, especially by that particularly ballsy pair that hangs on the corner outside Teller's. Real boost to a gal's ego, that--you go all week without one appreciative glance from the opposite sex, but boy howdy do those guys with lice think you're hot.
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says…
Right on. Honesty is the best policy. Which made the few years I spent as a young man exploring the breadth of my relationship with the "homeless" especially interesting and often downright adventuresome. Discerning the distinction between amateur and professional misery (oh yea, and downright crazy) is an acquired skill.
The occasional sleepless night in sheer terror that you are one mortgage payment away from not being able to feed your children is a good tool for tempering compassion for stinking street urchins sitting around waiting for shit to fall from heaven.
Anyway, I thank you for the opportunity to use street urchin in a sentence, although RNB's guttersnipe, thrashing, and cudgel will ring in my ears for days. We all do all we can.
Wine enema.
Now, to say that I'm getting old is just too cliche for this particular gap in worldliness. I mean, every Irish Catholic brings to the table some embodiment of that experience that may focus on one or the other aspect of aforesaid. For some its the guilt, for others it's the sex, and for others still it's the skill at sneaking around the fringes and telling bullshit stories that is necessary for survival if a Catholic kid wants to have any fun and not get caught. There are others, and mine happens to be a heightened sensitivity to crimes against alcohol. Now, I am pragmatic and can visualize a scenario...
"Hey, thanks for coming to the party."
"I brought you some wine"
"Gee, thanks. Just put it over... What? You brought box wine? Hey, how about shoving that up your ass"
A little over the top, but you have to allow for crimes of passion.
Somethings I will never get.
But thats just me.
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says…
Some things
lawrencekid (anonymous) says…
I can't resist giving money to the maracca lady. That she really has the audacity to put a tip jar out for her impecable rythem is something I can't help but admire. That and she never looks up. Never.
TheEleventhStephanie (anonymous) says…
http://www.asstr.org/~velocity/storie...
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says…
Holy in the outway, I'll never be able to keep a straight face when somebody uses the phrase "wine and cheese" again.
Goes to show that all of the stupid shit will eventually get done.
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
misty - you know it makes you all warm and fuzzy when the lice infested men hit on you.
i've heard of coffee enemas...this wine phenomenon is new to me.
feeble (anonymous) says…
Last person who got some cash outta me was
this guy in Chi-town who had no thumbs.
Now, in my mind, that warrants a spare bill or two.
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says…
Coffee enema.
I give up. I'm going home. I need a go crawl back off up under a rock enema.
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says…
I believe the purpose of a wine enema is to get fucked up as fast as possible as cheaply as possible, since the colon absorbs a lot of chemicals much faster than the stomach or small intestine. Does it make me a goddamned drunk if I've heard of them before?
TheEleventhStephanie (anonymous) says…
Tomdotdot..A coffee enema is used to sober up after wine enema. A weed enema helps with hangovers if the coffee enema didn't sober you up enough.
TheEleventhStephanie (anonymous) says…
Misty--Go shove it up your ass.
Anything. Up. Your. Ass.
Dazie (Aileen Dingus) says…
wine (or any booze really) enemas- good way to get fucked up (I do NOT know this from personal experience btw) and a good way to get dead.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/0...
agrabass (anonymous) says…
...ok so what ever happened to the turkey baster (sp?) I live randomly close to Ghetto Dillons, & I think that is why the numerous T.B.'s I have purchased,and my kids have taken to the sand box have randomly disappeared. Wow, do i need to have the "turkey baster" talk with my 14 year old...it's always something!!!!!
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says…
Holy shit weed.
dolores2175 (April Fleming) says…
I think even hearing the girl allude to putting the baster up her ass made him never want to see it again. He said, "It's yours. You can't give it back."
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says…
Dude, next time I go to Walgreen's, I want to see the Fleet Cannabis Enema Kit.
rednekbuddha (Kelly Powell) says…
here is a recipe
"pina colonic"
3 oz. pineapple juice
1/4 bottle country quencher boones farm wine
3 percocets
2 oz. robutussin
1 flintstone vitamin
shake well, let sit to room temp ....shove up ones ass.
cvillehawk (anonymous) says…
You people are all kinds of wrong.
thetomdotdot (anonymous) says…
"Bad sneakers and a pina colonic my friend/ walkin' down the avenue by Radio City with a/ transistor and a large sum of money to spend..."
Now I get it. This is why Katy lied.