Disclaimer: The following nonsense was written by an complete idiot, namely, me. If you're offended by the saltiest of language, empty threats, ironic xenophobia, third-grade innuendo, brilliant prose or hilarious poop jokes, this blog isn't the place for you. To check out older posts about the World Cup, visit the original version of my blog here.
The World Cup is a great excuse to get Dr. Unk. Drinking and soccer go together like, well, drinking and anything. It's a phenomenon Stuff White People Like lampoons pretty effectively, but frankly, just because something is a bit of a stereotype doesn't mean you should shy away from it. To wit, I would never expect an African American to not eat fried chicken--that shit is DELICIOUS.
In my opinion, beer should be the drink of choice when watching soccer. You may opt for liquor or wine (which pretty much makes you a communist), but that's your four weddings and a funeral.
My mother is not the biggest fan of alcohol, so it is in her honor that I remind everyone to be responsible, be of age and have a safe driver if you're going to get schwasted. With that advice firmly in mind, I present to you the funnest, most educationalest way to enjoy soccer:
WORLD CRUNK 2010
2) Drink once for every bald player on the pitch during the national anthems.
3) Drink twice for each overweight referee.
4) Chug your whole drink if you've been to either of the countries playing.
First Half Action:
2) Drink four times for every goal.
3) Drink once for fancy dribbling.
4) Drink once for ridiculous hair.
5) Drink twice for a yellow card.
6) Chug half your drink for a red card.
7) Drink once for every offsides call.
8) Drink once for every dive.
9) Drink once every time an announcer uses the word "brilliant."
10) Drink once for every substitution.
Second Half Action:
1) Drink twice per kick-off taken.
2) Chug half your drink for every goal.
3) Drink once for every foul.
4) Drink two times for every camera shot of a hot girl in the stands.
5) Drink three times for a yellow card.
6) Chug your whole drink for a red card.
7) Drink twice for every offsides call.
8) Drink twice for every dive.
9) Drink three times when an announcer uses the word "crucial."
10) Drink twice for every substitution.
1) Drink once for a tie, twice for a win.
2) Drink once for every on-screen shirt exchange shown.
3) Drink once if you're happy with the result, twice if you're not.
4) Take as many drinks as the final scores for each team, added together.