March 3, 2005
Last week I was chatting with my former employer about a new job opening. This was to be a lesson in humility: I secretly expected his reaction to be, "You want to come back? Wait right here while I roll out the red carpet!" We did, after all, work tremendously well together, and he generously gushes recommendations on my behalf.Instead of the kissy fest I prepped for, however, I was met with a reserved, "Leslie, did you ever get your Master's?" No, I haven't. Yet. Been meaning to, but, well. A brief and awkward silence followed, one that implied that I've wasted my talent. I've become lazy.I wanted to defend, to throw the nutshell at him: I've been birthing children, diapering them, organizing healthy meals, grappling with principles regarding daycare and Disney and McDonald's, wrestling with the existence of God, worrying about asthma rates and my family history of diabetes, reading and writing and painting and going to the park and studying Suzuki piano techniques. Maintaining a publishing career, courting clients, learning style sheets and coding systems, balancing meetings and telephone calls and taxes and deadlines. Losing baby weight, walking the dog, trying to drink more water, keeping up with friends, maintaining a sense of self. Noticing my husband, the love of my life, and occasionally waving to him over the river of obligation that rushes and swirls between us. Sleeping an average 5-6 hours per night for the last 5 years.I didn't say any of this, though. Instead: "Oh, you know. Been busy." I hung up the phone feeling very tiny and stupid. A complete and total loser. I knew I was in trouble before this, however. Last summer I bought a postcard of a perfect 1950s-era woman standing in her kitchen with a hand towel. The text reads, "a career...a family to care for...gee! I've got it all!" I laughed really, really hard at this. It's me she's picking on.I found myself wishing my little family unit did indeed live in the 1950s; June Cleaver may have craved liberation from her boned girdles, but she had the whole damn day to keep her house tidy. No one expected her to write a thesis or restructure the tax code. Her life, in my distorted and burned-out view, had been easy.Like thousands of other go-getters, I approached motherhood with the I-can-do-it-all concept minus the sarcasm. I wanted to stay home, but I also wanted to maintain my viability in my career field. I tried to do both. As I was learning the parenting ropes, I was also hustling for clients and contacts and networking. I wasn't setting boundaries, and I was sacrificing the basics: sleep, proper meals, and lazy afternoons with my family. I never said no to a client because I wanted to matter; I wanted a rock-solid reputation that wasn't marred by the negative SAHM stereotypes.The result is that I do have it all. I have everything I wanted in life, give or take a few inconsequential details. This is nothing to spit at. I am, however, beat to hell. I've come to realize that when you have it all, you also need time and space available to appreciate it all, and to be grateful for it. I don't know what the answers are. I swing back and forth with questions instead: What happened to the feminist fight for the regular jane? Why is the economic climate such that most mothers need to work? Why is it that women, rather than both women and men, are crippled with guilt when the kids-and-career subject arises?Like I said, I don't have the answers. In the meantime, I'm trying to develop the fine art of saying no. Maybe sometime soon this will free up an afternoon so I can engage in one of life's true pleasures: opening a beer and watching the grass grow.
Comments
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ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Kudos. No woman with a career and kid(s) has gone un-touched by this type of quandry. Who ever started the rumor that we can do (have) it all needs to be hunted down and given a good talking to! If you give up having kids until your career is going full steam ahead, you risk complications at birth, will most likely have fewer off spring, and will still have to slow down the upward rise to the top of the corporate food chain. If you have the kids first, then go back to school/career paths, the kids have to be put in day care, and you have to deal with split goals and too little personal time. There is always a price that must be paid (usually mostly by the woman) for having kids and a family. The issue becomes what do you most value in this life, and is it worth the price you are paying to acheive it? Sounds to me like you have chosen a "normal life" (what ever THAT means). So again, kudos. For what it is worth, there are still those of us who value a good mother far more than a good employee or a rich and/or sucessful career woman!
March 3, 2005 at 2:04 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
sallyride (anonymous) says...
Great topic, Leslie. I know employers who discourage mothers from going part time, because it will 'hurt their careers'. I also know mothers who work full time, and feel guilty for the time away from their kids. You never get that time back. Your kids will remember it years from now and they'll appreciate the love. My mother stayed home with us while my dad work, and we lived on very little. I have great memories of growing up. When we were in school, she went back to work and she has a very successful career. Keep up the good work!
March 3, 2005 at 3:04 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
Since we're sharing choices made, and not regretted, I had my child (only one) and waited till he was in school, then resumed studies (advanced) and have enjoyed my career (and being a mother) very much. My mother stayed home with all 5 of us kids, while dad did the bread winner gig. I have a close co-worker who came back to work 6 weeks after giving birth to each of her 2 children, and was happy to do so (she would have gone stir crazy at home, she says). I don't think one way fits all situations or people. Women do what they think best, or the best that they can do under the circumstances. It's a topic that has received a lot of attention, and been discussed ad naseum, but no one seems to have come up with good answers. SO, in the end, it will come down to personal options and values. I am glad I got that advanced degree (I later needed it to support myself!). And I probably could have made more $$ and gone further in my career had I started on that path earlier in life. But I do not regret for one moment the years I spent tending for my child. I like to think it helped make him the wonderful man that he is today! But even if that weren't true, I enjoyed those days of mothering my baby like nothing I have since done or accomplished.
March 3, 2005 at 4:08 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Todd (anonymous) says...
Why can't the wife/husband take career rotations? Ever see that show Growing Pains? (I know, I know, the dude worked from home with some of the least scary crazy people ever.) Seriously though, I wouldn't mind taking 10 years away from my career to raise my children. Keep in mind I'm not really talking about having it all at one time here. Kinda like, having it all in shifts.
March 3, 2005 at 4:28 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
liz (Liz Weslander) says...
*sigh* Where do I start? I may have to comment a few different times to get it all in. I had a similar experience last spring when a single, successful, male friend of mine from college and I were catching up over coffee. As I was telling him about my life, he asked pointedly "so what about your career?" I, too, said something lame and let myself be overcome with insecurity. Funny, it never occurred to me to ask him some sort of pointed question about his inabilty to hold down a stable relationship or to ask if he felt good about the prospect of growing old successful, but alone.
I think it's misguided that most of us think of career as a major factor in deciding how successful someone is, and it's a shame that we let it determine so much of our self worth.
On the whole shift thing - I think it's a great idea. It's one that we've talked about in my house. In fact, I wrote up my resume (holes and all) yesterday, which makes this subject very timely for me. However, the idea assumes that most families can live on one income or that they are willing to lower their standard of living when the lower wage earner goes to work.
March 3, 2005 at 6:04 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
liz (Liz Weslander) says...
On the Master's thing. I have two responses. The first, (speaking as someone who does not have her Master's because she has not, and never will, finish her thesis) is fuck your old boss and his/her Master's bullshit. Grad school ain't nothin' but mental masterbation and a bunch of people throwing around words like hegemony and paradigm.
The other response is that if you are looking to slow things down, go for your master's! Get yourself a chushy GTA position, take out a loan, send Bea to Hilltop, grab your coffee and start pontificating. If you don't mind being poor, grad school and motherhood are a perfect match. Hell, you could sell the house and move into Stauffer Place.
March 3, 2005 at 7:37 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ladylaw (Terry Bush) says...
First off Liz, prepare that speech for the next time someone pompous looks down their snout and sneers. ANYONE who thinks raising children is NOT a career, either hasn't tried it or was raised by wolves (or the functional equivalent). Rearing decent well balanced human beings is one of THE most important careers any person (of either gender) could attempt. It's only the materialistic and/or insecure who think what car you drive or how many square feet you own is the mark of true success.
Secondly, if you are finding that jobs aren't just dropping in your lap/life, even with a B.A. or a B.S. and you think doing the thesis is beyond stupid (or achievment), there is another potential avenue. It still involves obtaining a "stupid piece of paper" to impress the gullible, and comes with a price tag (of money and time), but it doesn't involve a thesis. Get a J.D. (law degree). It doesn't mean you have BE a lawyer, or practice law. But take it from me, you'll be shocked and amazed at how much smarter you suddenly are (to others) with that 21/2 3 years behind you. I went back when my babe was 6 years old, and have never regretted it. That one degree will open up a myriad of minds (and job doors) as to your intelligence and potential as an employee!
Thirdly, I think any man willing to be house husband is either a completely darling, or he thinks it's a pud job! Either way, I love the taking turns idea (but it's a man without the normal need to achieve who can do it). 2 of my law school class mates reveresed roles (after they married). She went onto work for corporate America, and rise to a very high level and salary, while he (Still) has a private practice out of their home, here in Lawerence, while raising 3 darling and delightful daughters. I think they are TERRIFIC people, and wish more people were like them! But alas, I think they are still the exception to the rule.
There is a saying, that may be true: Men judge their self worth by how much money they have and/or their titles. Women judge themselves by how many people love them, and how well the people they love do. I know there are exceptions to that rule (just like most rules). But until the stereo types change, to the point that no one notices or cares which gender parent takes most of the parenting duties, there is a reason that women (more then men) have to struggle with these issues.
March 3, 2005 at 8:55 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Todd (anonymous) says...
Whatever happened to CHOOSING what you do with your life? Expectations and stereotypes don't run your life, you do.
I think men define their success based on the amount they change the world. Every man makes that call for himself. Personally I think it's lame to base your worth on cash or titles since that just promotes criminal and outragous behavior. (ie fastest ways to get right are illegal , then the next are gambling, and so on)
Women... jeez, women think emotions are fact. After you realize that there's really no point in trying to figure 'em out :0
March 4, 2005 at 9:20 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
toreador (Michael Austin) says...
It is funny, but I had been in a relationship for 9 years, so I haven't dealt with this much. But I measure my self worth in my happiness. I like my job, I tend to like what I have and where I go. But, now, having to date again, I find that is not what the women I have been on dates care about. They look down at me because I am satisfied where I am. "What? You don't want to be better? To earn more? You need to climb the ladder!!" There isn't much of a ladder here. I make good money, I like the company. Why would I want to really change that?
But after being looked down upon by numerous women because of this, I suddenly find that somehow to satisfy these women I need to have the trendy car, to work for a higher position, to earn more money. I am suppose to have that corporate climber attitude. To think, before all this I was satisfied....but now I have goals that are being imposed on me. Will this make me or them any happier?
March 4, 2005 at 9:47 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) says...
there's nothing wrong with getting a master's degree or a doctorate. the problem is that employers have actually begun to value the damn things. in previous generations, all you had to do to attain gainful employment was finish high school. that was enough to secure your future, right up to the point where you'd gather your pension and retire. then it became necessary to get an undergraduate degree to really get ahead. but now that higher education has become undermined by tuition grovelling and gutted standards, it's all of a sudden necessary to have a master's degree to make more than $8 an hour, at least in lawrence. i've been working at least one full time job since i was 18, and i honestly resent being told that a piece of paper that proves you've been avoiding work makes you a better employee. yes, i have a fulfilling life with all the important things, but it would be nice to not have to wait til payday to get a fucking $12 haircut. maybe i should start my beautiful son or daughter on the road to a cosmetology license. . . at least that's a skill. and they'll probably be happy until they get fired to make room for some jackass with an advanced degree in ruining the fucking economy who is finally ready for his first job.
i should at least get to stop paying my student loans until my BFA (remember bachelor's degrees?) actually starts paying off. or i could go back and get my master's in graphic design. . . then i could finally contribute to society.
March 4, 2005 at 10:51 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
lori (anonymous) says...
I want to reassure all of you who are struggling right now, balancing the family, job, bills, and walking the dog. IT GETS BETTER! Today, I cleaned and vacuumed my car, took the dog for a long walk, checked my email, and cleaned my kitchen. I bought groceries and didn't worry about the check clearing. After struggling for 6 years with juggling child care exchanges with friends, classes, work, housework, buying groceries with the credit card cause we didn't have any money, and trying to make sure my kids were happy and healthy, it is sooooo nice to be in this position.
There is a payoff up ahead soon. It's when the kids are in school all day, and when they come home, they are happy, healthy, interesting and fun. In the meantime, you've been home getting your crap together, or at work, bringing home the bacon; your afternoons, evenings, and weekends you get to spend with the family unit. And those are some great times, because you aren't so worried about getting the housework done, or dinner made, or scrubbing the tub. You're kids are old enough that they sleep through the night, clean up their own messes, and even wipe themselves without help from you. You stop looking for the bigger house and nicer car, because you value the time you have so much; there's no way you want to work more, to earn more, to buy the bigger house and the nicer car. Life is good. I think I enjoy it so much right now because I struggled so much earlier. I think you all will also get to this space, where the physical demands of the kids and the house aren't so, well, demanding, and you have more time and energy to return to yourself. You'll get to this space, don't fret.
And I must say, I can't wait until you do. How cool is it going to be, when you all come over for an afternoon beer or two, before we go pick up the kids from school? Right now it's just me, nursing the red sripe, talking to the dog.
March 4, 2005 at 1:29 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
edie_ (anonymous) says...
I don't have the excuse of bearing children to fall back on so everytime someone implies that I should have done more with school I just stare at them as though there is something horribly horribly wrong with their left ear until they distintegrate into a state of ill ease and change the subject. Maybe the next time someone throws you some whim wham about all that you should ask them why they haven't gotten up off their lazy asses and started an online book club or written hilarious blogs about Zelda Fitzgerald's style of mothering or strange art galleries across the nation.
March 5, 2005 at 9:14 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
edie_ (anonymous) says...
And yeah...what the heck is up with employers demanding you have a masters these days? If you ask me they've ruined the whole notion of higher education. Now it seems the more employers demand you have a million letters behind your name, the more the quality of college education sinks into the kind of robotic blither that should only be tolerated in trade school for middle managers.
March 5, 2005 at 10:14 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) says...
toreador---run fast and far away from these women. Women who require that you spend large amounts of money to be with them are PROSTITUTES, whether they're standing on a corner or in line at the club. Be happy who and where and what you are, and the only woman you'll be really happy with will be happy with those things, as well. In the meantime, if you must spend money on whores, spend it on the honest ones.
March 5, 2005 at 3:04 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
thetom (anonymous) says...
Leslie:
Who's not crippled with guilt?
March 5, 2005 at 9:42 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
toreador (Michael Austin) says...
Lol. Thanks Misty, I pretty much had figured that out. I really come to find I dislike the whole "dating game". Everyone trying to sell themselves. Guess I just have to convince myself that who I am is fine, and live with it ;)
Oh, and I don't even have a BA, just some college :(
March 7, 2005 at 10:08 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Todd (anonymous) says...
http://biz.yahoo.com/brn/050307/15226...
These are just a few of the reasons I suggest "swapping" career and family time between spouses. Simply put you don't do as well as you could doing both. (career and family) Degrees out the wazzoo just don't offset market forces.
Another idea is to have multifamily households. That is, live with your parents or siblings in adulthood. Then you can have more $$$ per household while minimizing the sacrifice your kids make. Also, you'll be closer to your extended (non-nuclear) family in the process.
March 7, 2005 at 11:05 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says...
So many approaches to this...
Todd: I, too, like the trading roles idea, and my husband and I did it once for about a year. We then learned that men meet a lot more disdain in interviews when there are gaps in the resume. Whereas a woman taking time off isn't enough of a feminist, a man is (often) perceived as a lazy bum. One problem within the whole ball of wax is that persons in the position of employment power have never been the caregiver of children, and often have absolutely no idea what that involves. Yes, we should all chart our own course, and I'm in the process of learning that now, but I'm a social animal, and imperfect. For myself (and I'm going to blog more on this), it's a matter of defining oneself, and contemporary mothers are realizing that the You Go Girl approach to life is killing them. It takes a lot of time to reverse long-held beliefs re: motherhood and feminism, and it's very difficult to find one's beliefs in this workaholic culture we (as Americans) pride ourselves in.
Liz: I hear you, sister. I wanted to ask how taking 2 years to write 60+ pages on sharks or marshmallows in contemporary art would help me develop and implement anything in real life, but, you know, I was feeling tiny. (This is not to denigrate scholars who plan to remain in academia; there this sort of microstudy is completely appropriate). Funny, too: my former boss hasn't had a real relationship in the 13 years I've known him, either. Maybe we should set him up with your friend?
thetom: My minor point was that I have never known a man to leave for work in the morning feeling guilty and worrying that working full time made him a selfish and poor parent. However, most working mothers I know, even when there is no other way to make it economically, are consumed by guilt for leaving the little ones at a sitter. I don't know if it's cultural or biological or both, but I think (in general) that mothers sweat the SAHM vs. career debate more than men. This is not to imply that fathers do not have other cultural demons to wrestle with.
Lori & ladylaw: Three more years--can I see the light???
edie_: Aw, you're too good to me. [blush]
March 7, 2005 at 2:10 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says...
oh, and sallyride: Yes, point taken--and thanks. My mother also stayed home, which is why it was so important to me. My mistake, I think, is/was in trying to straddle both worlds. My mother always looked at work as a job, just money to pay the bills, which is a approach I'm really beginning to envy.
March 7, 2005 at 2:57 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
liz (Liz Weslander) says...
I do think that once you start looking at your job as just a money source that it is much easier to take your ego out of it and not get all bent out of shape when things aren't going swimmingly at the office. I know people who have made "downwardly mobile" career moves just to simplify their lives in this way. That said, call me an idealist, but I really want to love my job and get meaning out of it.
March 7, 2005 at 6:32 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
DJ_Trainwreck (anonymous) says...
I find myself trying over and over to love my work and derive meaning from it and I end up becoming too emotionally involved.
Maybe it's me not wanting to freely offer up 40+ hours a week to The Man and instead find beauty or something of lasting effect.
Maybe it's another symptom of capitalism.
At times I suspect it has been the lack of a life outside of work.
Either way the emotional investment has lead me to be burned every damn time and it hurts something awful.
DJTW
March 7, 2005 at 11:48 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
ukulelelady (anonymous) says...
In response to Liz's comment earlier: I *like* the word hegemony.
Also, to you parents, as the child of a working mother, I can attest: you should not feel guilty for leaving kids without you for a few hours every day. It was our most important time for getting into trouble and developing self-identity outside of the family unit. Today's parents who hover over the scheduled play-date are crampin' the kids' style!
March 10, 2005 at 10:40 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
liz (Liz Weslander) says...
Hegemony is an important concept, and I didn't mind the word until I had somebody in my graduate program who used the word during EVERY comment in EVERY class I had for an entire year. e.g. "So why do you think the sky is blue?" "Well, you see there's this thing called the hegemonic structure..."
March 10, 2005 at 11:40 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
leslie (Leslie vonHolten) says...
I feel the same about "the rhetoric of modernity." My final year at KU, it was starting to make me cry.
March 10, 2005 at 12:42 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )